Transcription
Narcissistic abuse is often framed as something only women experience at the hands of narcissistic men, but that is far from the reality of the situation. I'm Lise Leblanc, therapist, author, and life coach. And if you've ever found yourself trapped in a narcissistic relationship where you felt stuck or unable to get over someone who is manipulating and abusing you, then this video is for you.
[Music]
If you've ever asked yourself, "Why can't I just leave? Why do I keep going back?" you need to know that you're not stupid, weak, or lacking courage. You're trauma-bonded, and a female covert narcissist uses several manipulation tactics to keep you hooked and psychologically dependent on her approval and validation.
Number one is she has hijacked your reward system. So, in the beginning of the relationship, she love and sex bombs you, giving you intense affection, compliments, lots of sex, and promises of a perfect future together. This creates a rush of dopamine, making you feel excited, alive, and on top of the world. And this makes you feel incredibly special, loved, and appreciated, and gets you addicted to the high that you feel when you're around her.
Then, once you are emotionally hooked, she pulls back, withdraws all that attention, compliments, the sex, causing your dopamine levels to crash. And this leaves you feeling anxious, confused, and desperate to get those rewards and positive feelings back. So maybe you chase after her, try to fix whatever problems she's fabricating, and then she goes back to being sweet and loving, which gives you a great sense of relief. It's almost like you're sick without food, water, or medication, and she's the only one who can heal you. And then she rips it all away again. And this push-pull dynamic keeps you in a state of emotional turmoil, constantly craving the next hit of affection and approval. And as the relationship goes on, the highs become fewer and farther between, and the lows intensify. And this makes you more weak and vulnerable. Your brain becomes conditioned to crave her attention and validation, just like an addiction, even though that's what's actually making you sick.
Number two is making you the hero of her story. Female covert narcissists often manufacture a dramatic crisis early in the relationship to heighten your stress hormones, that adrenaline, triggering a fast but false bond. So the crisis is designed to make you take on the protector role, to be her hero, to create a "we against them" feeling. And this intense emotional experience forges a false sense of intimacy and trust, making you think that you share something uniquely special that no one else can understand. This illusion of exclusivity and deep connection not only gives you a rewarding sense of purpose as you take on this incredible task and role in her life based on this crisis that you're sharing in and saving her from, so this increases your attachment to her, which makes you more willing to overlook her manipulative behavior, even when things get outrageously abusive.
Number three is isolating you from your support system. A female covert narcissist is notorious for isolating you from your friends and family. She will create division, conflict, and mistrust by subtly planting seeds of doubt in your mind about your loved ones, trying to convince you that they don't care about you, they're trying to control you, you can't trust them, or often by, uh, saying that they've done something hurtful to her, and now you have to protect her against them, essentially painting them the villains. Over time, she cuts you off from your family and friends by pitting you against them or vice versa. Sometimes, when a narcissist can't turn you against your loved ones, she will adopt an overly friendly and charming persona, using manipulation tactics to plant seeds of doubt in their minds, trying to turn them against you and get them on her side. She may also bring in other people into the dynamic to stir up conflict, insecurity, and competition, all of this to isolate you so you become more and more dependent on her approval and validation.
Number four is fear and intimidation. A female covert narcissist will quickly figure out what you fear most and then use this to manipulate you, always reminding you what you're going to lose and how your worst fears are going to come true if you don't comply and submit and give her what she wants when she wants it. Maybe you fear abandonment, rejection, financial loss, damage to your reputation, losing your kids, or something else. But once they figure out what you are most afraid of, they will amplify this fear and exploit you to no end, using your fears as leverage to keep you working hard to meet her demands. She wants you suppressing your needs, constantly seeking her approval, and the more you give, the more it reinforces your fears, making you believe that the only way to avoid disaster is to remain compliant, even if it means sacrificing your own well-being.
Number five is breaking down your sense of self. When you're constantly being criticized and invalidated and devalued, you start to lose sight of your own needs, values, and boundaries. Your sense of self gets blurry as you begin to see the world through her distorted lens. Over time, the narcissist's words and behaviors chip away at your sense of self-worth and your sense of self. Every insult, every dismissal of your thoughts, feelings, needs, breaks you down, uh, systematically, and you start questioning your own worth until one day you're not sure where you end and where the narcissist begins.
Number six is gaslighting, which is the twisting of your reality. It's a series of subtle tactics that make you question your own perceptions, feelings, memories, judgments, and even your sanity. A narcissist twists facts, denies events, rewrites history, and leaves you in a state of confusion. Over time, you start wondering if you're imagining things, overreacting, or if your memory is faulty, or your brain just isn't working right. Gaslighting creates a vicious cycle of confusion where you gradually lose touch with your own instincts, your own logic, your emotions, making you more and more reliant on your abuser to interpret reality for you.
Number seven is cognitive dissonance. And this happens when you are holding two conflicting beliefs at the same time, and it causes intense mental discomfort. In a narcissistic relationship, you will experience a huge conflict between the version of them that you met when you are falling in love and the actual person in front of you who is critical and cruel. There may be many discrepancies like this that your brain just can't reconcile, and she will capitalize on your confusion by manipulating you into believing that if you just try harder, behave better, or make more sacrifices, you could win back the loving version of her that you once knew. And this keeps you trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and denial. Your brain tries to make sense of all the inconsistencies, but there is no logical solution. The explanation is narcissism, but it's like your brain won't accept the truth because this conclusion is just too painful. So you keep trying to solve a puzzle where the pieces don't fit together, and you try to force them into place, thinking that the picture will eventually make sense. This mental discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance is exhausting because, again, you're stuck in a loop trying to figure them out and make sense of their behavior using your own logic.
Number eight is the hope for change. Unfortunately, hope can keep you stuck, wasting years of your life, uh, praying that the narcissist will change, that they'll go back to being the person you fell in love with, that things will be different this time, that if you work a little harder, everything can go back to the way it used to be, or you can achieve that ideal fantasy future that you've talked about. But in reality, a narcissist has a very predictable pattern, and although they show moments of kindness or affection, these are not signs of real or long-lasting change. They're part of the cycle of abuse, and it gives you false hope, keeps you invested in a relationship that is emotionally and psychologically damaging.
Number nine is identifying with the abuser. Guilt is a powerful emotion in abusive relationships, and you might feel like you owe it to your narcissistic partner to stay and endure her abuse, thinking that you're the only one who can help her. But the truth is, you're not helping. Narcissists thrive on your sense of obligation, guilt, responsibility, and your loyalty to them. The guilt you feel is often a product of their projections, blame-shifting, and gaslighting. They got you to take on the role of being their hero, and they made you believe that you'd be an ultimate failure if you abandon them. They will try to hold you to your promises, regardless of how many broken promises they've made to you. They still will expect you to stand by them and prove your loyalty by sacrificing yourself for them while they continue to manipulate, abuse, and betray you. You might rationalize or minimize the abuse you're experiencing, blaming it on their childhood trauma or mental health struggles, and you might start believing that they're not responsible or they can't help themselves. It's just so sad. Or maybe you start believing that you actually are to blame, that you said or did things to deserve this type of abuse, that it is your fault. And this creates a dangerous dynamic where you have more empathy for them than you have for yourself, causing you to tolerate far more abuse than you ever should or would under normal circumstances. And now, I am not saying that people don't deserve empathy and support, but if they're not taking responsibility for their abusive behavior and making heroic efforts to change it, then your empathy is actually enabling them.
Number 10 is your survival instincts. Ironically, your own survival instincts can keep you tethered to a narcissist. When you're in an abusive relationship, you may start to believe that your very survival, physically, emotionally, or financially, depends on your abuser. You start to feel like your safety, security, and even your emotional well-being is tied to their moods, their actions, and their approval. And this creates a kind of emotional hostage situation where you fear that any attempt to assert your independence or push back on the abuse could jeopardize your very survival. You start believing that staying in the relationship, no matter how abusive it gets, is safer than leaving.
If you are in this situation, please consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. You may also want to look into my toxic relationship recovery program that I've linked in the description section of this video. Thanks so much for watching. If you found this content helpful, please take a moment to like, share, and subscribe. And to learn more about how to break a trauma bond, click on the link above.