Transcription
Foreign. Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they are for sure not living the dream. Really struggling with motherhood. I love my kids with everything. For the rest of the show, you don't even have to repeat that because I know that.
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Yo, yo, yo! This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast ever, ever, that's ever existed. So grateful you've joined us. If you want to be on the show, we're going to talk about what's going on in your life, what's going on in the life of your spouse, what's going on with your person you're dating, and your kids. Whatever is going on, this is a show for you, by you, and about you. It's real people with real challenges, and I'm gonna pull up a pull up a chair, and we're gonna figure out what to do now and moving forward. So if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. 1-844-693-3291. You're gonna leave a message, and you can make it as long as you want or as short as you want, but let us know what's going on, and uh, then we will call you back. Or if you want to write via email, go to John Deloney dot com, ask, A-S-K. And don't forget our gift to you. We've partnered up with Thorn, which I think are some of the best supplements on the market, on the planet. T-H-O-R-N-E. Go to Thorn dot com, you, the letter Deloney, for 25% off everything in their, or great supplements, world-class supplements are expensive, and 25% off makes a big, big difference.
All right, let's go out to Charleston, South Carolina, and talk to Isaac. Yo, yo, what's up, Isaac? Hey man, I'm as excited as opening day of deer season. I get to talk to the doctor, John Deloney. I, uh, the opening day of deer season, I don't talk to anybody, just the woods. Hey man, I'm doing good. I appreciate you taking, taking the time to talk with me and everything that y'all do up here at Ramsey Solutions. Uh, y'all, y'all really do help people with hope and change lives. So I'm really grateful. I'm a big fan. Thank you, my brother. Thank you. Thank you. What's up?
Well, uh, my question was about resentment. Um, you know, you know, once, once you're there, uh, can you come back? Um, and if so, how? Um, I know the, "Should I come back?" is up to me, but, you know, coming back from it and maybe how shows so I can certainly provide a little more context. Yeah. I, I think coming out of the gate, knowing I'm always gonna answer that question, yes. And it's hard, right? If you are in disgust and contempt and resentment, I mean, you're talking a control, alt, delete on just about everything. Um, to come back together, is it possible? 100%. Absolutely. So tell me what happened. How do we get here?
All right. Well, um, been married to my wife, but this is going on seven years. Um, we've been separated since March, early March. Um, but, uh, you know, circling back to that, we got, we got three kids under five. Um, so, you know, we've, our marriage has been raising kids for the most part. Um, short timeline, we had a big job change and a move back in July. Um, come August, took a trip home and had a little, uh, there's a falling out with my parents, and I didn't quite stand up for her, maybe as best as I could have. But, um, you know, things started kind of getting a little stressful from there. Um, and then come October, she came to me saying she wanted, uh, basically to start separation process. And things came, came clean about some infidelity from years back, um, that I didn't know about. Um, including with one of my really close friends and groomsmen. Um, so that was, that was a big shock. And, um, I was willing, you know, I wanted to work with, with her from there, forgiveness, all that, you know, I was good there and wanted to do everything I could to keep what we had together. Um, and then, you know, it was kind of going through that back and forth process, feeling like I was trying everything I could. Then come January, I, uh, found out she was actually currently, uh, being unfaithful with one of my very close friends and co-workers. Um, so, yeah, that was just another, another dagger in the back that, um, you know, got twisted, basically. But so from that point, you know, felt like I, felt like I had a direction I was going. Um, you know, like I said, parted ways in March. She's living elsewhere, you know, a few miles down the road. You know, we still have close relationship obviously with our three kids and everything. Um, but, uh, just a few weeks ago, she comes back and, uh, it's ready to, uh, realize she did wrong and wants to fix things. And, um, honestly, this is, this is only one of the few times in my life where I, uh, I really just don't know what to do. Um, really just at a loss. Um, as far as how I feel and what to feel.
So if you and I were sitting out, um, on opening day in the woods, and they were sitting in a two-person tree stand, which means we are about two inches from each other, and it was quiet, and I looked over at you and said, "What are you gonna do?" without trying to filter it, without trying to think through, yeah, but what would you say? Um, you know, what would you say? Go with your gut. Just say it. Like, I want to. Um, you know, I, uh, we, uh, I want to. Um, that's, you know, that's what I want to work towards, but I just, I just don't know how. Um, I'm gonna try something on, and you, and you, you rejected wholeheartedly. If I'm wrong, okay, I think you are done. And I think you want to want to because you think that's the right thing, and you have a picture in your head about people who quote unquote quit. And when she circled back for a third time after destroying your life, destroying the life of her kids, and destroying, um, your friendships, that little voice that said, "Well, now that she wants to be back in, if you walk away, you're the quitter." And I think something in your spirit says, "I'm done." And you don't know what to do next because this is a scary, terrifying proposition because this is somebody you built a life with, you created a family with, and you don't have a plan B. And yet here we are. Tell me if I'm wrong.
Uh, I mean, I wouldn't say, I wouldn't say completely wrong. Um, it's, yeah, like I don't want to be done, but it, it just, it just seems impossible to not be done, almost.
Have you listened to this show before? Yeah. Yes, I have. So you know I'm always telling people to to find a path back together. And this one, just for whatever reason, man, maybe it's because I normally shoot shows in the morning and this afternoon, but there is something in my spirit that just is, is grossed out by this whole thing. All right. Um, I usually, um, I, I usually believe there are two sides to every one of these stories. Am I wrong here? This one feels very, very one-sided. Um, as far as the actions that were done, it was pretty one-sided. I mean, you know, obviously nobody's a perfect husband and things like that.
I disagree. I'm incredible. I'm just kidding. Of course, of course. No one's perfect. But, but I mean, but let's be honest, in your whole life, you've never been married and a parent of a kid. You were. I've never been married and the parent of two kids. Never been married in a parent of three kids. So y'all are constantly having to rebuild and rebuild and rebuild. And so nobody does that right. Of course, you make design decisions that are goofy, and you put the, you know, you put a foundation footer in the wrong place. That's just part of being married and figuring things out together. That's not a reason to go hook up with somebody's best friend and then lie about it and make you feel crazy. That's not, it's not liberty to do it again. And it's funny when you were telling me that, my first thought was, "Oh, she's practicing on him. She's practicing telling an old story to see if it's okay to tell what's really going on right now, right?" And lo and behold. So here's, I'm gonna tell you, if you want to stay married to her, you can stay married to her. This isn't resentment. I don't think. I don't think you're there yet. This is active pain. Resentment is when the smoke has cleared, and you realize, "Oh, we're not even in the same house anymore psychologically, emotionally, spiritually. We have two different, we have two different lives." You're not there yet, man. You're still bleeding. Right? She destroyed your family. And I'm sorry. Appreciate you. Appreciate you saying that. And, you know, yeah, I mean, it's tough. Um, it really is. And, um, what do you do for a living? Um, I'm a wildlife biologist. Okay. All right. Very cool. Um, yeah, I'll say this as delicately as I can. You can't fix this, right? This is, and I can't, I just can't fix her. And I know that. Like that. But your marriage can't be quote unquote fixed. It will have to be rebuilt from the floor up. Yeah. And you, for the first time, and you haven't done this in 10 years, you're gonna have to be very clear about what I need. And she's gonna have to be very empathetic towards those needs and be so focused with like a laser beam on empathy with you. I don't think she's got to enter unless she has just seen the light. Right? And rightly or wrongly, I, I, you know, I might be out to lunch with this, but for whatever reason, I grade these kind of things on a on a scale. And what I mean by that is, somebody sits down and says, "Hey, dude, I was on a business trip. We were all at a dinner, and there were a couple of salesmen, a couple, I don't know what happened, but I hooked up with somebody." That's stupid. And that's painful. It's hurtful. That's not hooking up with my husband's best friend. No. And this was once, once found out, it was continued on and found out, and then, and then, and then again. That's almost pathological. It's disgusting. And so when I'm thinking through, like, man, you bring forgiveness back, I don't know what happened. I screwed up. I got, I, there was a month when I was just head over heels with somebody at work. And what those things happen, that's life. This is, this is something different. And so I want you to hear me say, you aren't crazy, and you're not over feeling this thing, and you're not a bad guy for thinking for starting to make plans of what comes next in the world that you are now cast into by yourself. You're not crazy. You're not a bad guy. Okay? Right. You're a guy that was legitimately done wrong. And I think the question is, what does co-parenting look like? What does friends look like? Um, can I ask you a real sensitive question? Absolutely. When's the last time y'all were together intimately? When's the last time you slept together? Uh, probably either back September, um, except, yeah, before I knew about the first stuff. So because we were, you know, kind of separate rooms, type stuff, like I said, from kind of September into August. The, uh, you know, had like a hookup one night or a, "Hey, I miss you" kind of thing dropping the kids off or something? No. Okay. Yeah, man, I'm sorry. When you, if you decide, "I'm out, I'm done." My kids deserve better. I deserve better. She's got a lot of healing to do, and I'm not the person. I can't, I can't drag her through it. It's gonna hit you like a tsunami, the pain, the reality of all of this, and I don't want you to run from that. Okay? All right. You're gonna have to get a couple of guys in your life. You're not gonna have to head into the storm. You can't run from this one, man. This just sucks. Yeah. I am, I am blessed in my life. You know, I've got, I mean, that's considering everything that's happened. Of, I feel like I'm in a good place. I've got good people around me. Um, you know, being in the new place, still working on working on new people around here, but I've, I've got good people in my life, and that's good. Um, they haven't stuck the dagger in my back yet. Hey, the first one, the first one, you told him, I said, "Hey, man, you know, pressure's on you now." You know, he said, "Man, I ain't gonna, I don't even know if I can call you on the phone no more." Hey, that's, that's actually, I can't imagine how awkward you could make a, like hanging out with a couple of new guys and y'all get to be good friends and be like, "All right, listen, if any one of you guys sleeps with my wife, I'm gonna kill you." Right? I can imagine dinner getting kind of strange. Um, here, here's, here's the deal. I want you to hang on the line. I'm gonna send you a copy of "Own Your Past, Change Your Future." Uh, just something for you to read through, and it's, it's just the path out, man, of sitting in this grief and what do I do and where do I head. Um, where do I go now? I'm not gonna hate you. I'm not gonna roll my eyes at you. I'm gonna hug you if you say, "Nope, we talked. We had an honest come to Isaac conversation. We're going to stay together." Great. And if you want to do that, both of you call me back. I'll walk you through the path back that y'all can start. Um, if you decide, "Man, this thing's been done since September. Um, it's been on life support, but it's been gone since September. I'm done. Spark is gone. This guy's just gone. Fire's out." And, um, if you want to do that, call me back, man, and we can figure out where to go from there. I want you to never feel like you don't have anybody to call or a place to go, or a place to turn. I'm just heartbroken for you, man. Sorry that your wife did this to you and she blew everything up. Take care of, take care of Isaac, take care of those little ones. We'll be right back.
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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Folks, take a minute to think about how much time you spend on yourself. It's easy to get caught up in what people need from you and want from you and never think about what you need. And then you end up too stretched out, burned out. All of the madness of our current world resting on your shoulders. Look, sometimes I put my head down to work and then realize I haven't had a meaningful conversation with my wife and kids all day. I get focused on what I'm doing and I'm running and running and running, and I don't know how to come back. And therapy is a great way to learn new skills that make you the best version of yourself, to help you set boundaries, and still have energy left to help others without leaving yourself behind. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's totally online to fit into your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So find more balance, find wellness with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/Deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.
All right, let's go out to Knoxville and talk to Shea. What's up, Shea? Hey, how are you doing? We are partying. What are you up to? That's not true. I'm not. I'm not. I'm just at work. What are you doing? Oh, just living a dream. Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they are for sure not living the dream. What's going on? I, I've had a dream. Not the dream. Excellent. Good word right there. All right, so what's up?
I am really struggling with motherhood and specifically getting overstimulated and overwhelmed with my kids and all the responsibilities that come with it. And I'm just looking for any help, any way that I can work through that. I love my kids, of course, with everything. For the rest of the show, you don't even have to repeat that because I know that. I know you love them. Okay. Um, overstimulation with moms is kind of a hot topic right now. Tell me, tell me what that means to you. Do you have kids? I do. Right? You know, I'm sure anyone who's seen a small child in a busy area, you get overwhelmed by the sights and the sounds and the noises, and they get cranky and they start fussing and having issues. I feel like that as an adult. I have a hard time with the noises. One of my kids constantly moves, never stops running, never stops climbing, fidgeting. The other one cannot stop talking. He talks a mile a minute. He is probably a hundred thousand words a day, constantly. And so between the sounds and the movement, and then do you walk through, can you walk through your kitchen and you feel little things under your feet? So constantly, and then you step on your truck or a Lego, and there's a crumb, than a thing, and it's all, it's like sensory overload. It is all the time. And I don't want to be overloaded with my kids and with motherhood. Of course, I, I get, I either get to the point where I'm so hyper-focused on everything that's going on, or I completely shut down. Yeah. And my kids deserve better than that. I wouldn't say better, they deserve different. Okay? Is that cool? Yeah. Okay. Um, so what's the, what's the core message that you feel in your chest, like a ticker tape at the bottom of like a Fox News or CNN or something like that? What is the core message of a mom with two wily little kids, when you have a kid that won't stop talking, you have a kid that's just kind of running around everywhere and tripping and falling, and there's crumbs and there's wrappers and there's, what is that core message in your chest? What are you, what are you telling yourself? I'm guessing I'm failing. There it is. And what's beneath "I'm failing"? What's the message beneath that one? It's probably the one you've been sitting on since you were a little bitty girl. It's "not good enough." Yeah. "Worthless." "I'm freaking worthless." And here's guest exhibit number 144. "Can't even keep my kids," fill in the blank. And then that's followed by, "What kind of mom doesn't even like her own kids?" Fair. Yeah. And then your sweet body spins up, trying to take care of you, and it runs as fast as it can until it collapses. Then it spins back up and runs as fast as it can until it collapses. Are you married? I am. Then knucklehead comes home and starts pawing at you, and you're like, "God, if you touch me, I'm gonna kill you." And you kind of like, some conversation, but you kind of like sleeping with them. And then you think, "What kind of mom, wife am I that won't even sleep with this great?" What's the Met? Right? Absolutely. Touched out is the word we use in my household. Yep. What's the word? Touched out. So instead of that touch being a safe place, like a, like a place that you can't wait to get to, it's a place that makes you feel like you're electrified. Mm-hmm. So I want you to think of your body as doing its best job to protect you, and it's been protecting you from this core message that you're, you're not worth much or anything for a long, long time. I talk to people all over the country that get that mess, got that message from their church growing up, that you were such a worthless, disgusting creature that God had to murder his kid so that your disgustingness could, right? That was part of the narrative. Or it could have been from Dad. Could have been from Mom. "Are you seriously going to wear that? It would have killed you to get one more a really?" Oh my gosh, gross. Eat that. He never stopped. And this core message is, "You're not good enough. You're not good enough. You're not good enough." And then, and then marriage is going to rescue us, right? We're gonna find that guy who loves us. Do you feel safe with him? So I'm gonna ask you something weird. A common thread, and it's not always so, tell me I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but a common response to the message of "I'm worthless" when you find somebody that you feel safe with, your body actually kind of slows down a little bit. With you, overdo it with them to the point that they're like, "God, you're a lot." And they say it in their nice, kind way because that's usually those kind of people. And you feel it when they go, "Ah." And then they try to re-jump the bridge through sex. Am I onto something? I think so. I think that sounds real familiar, actually. Your husband called me and like filled me in on everything. And you're, I'm just kidding. Not even a little bit. No, that wouldn't surprise me. It's okay. So here's, here's the goal here. The goal is not to be less overstimulated. And I know that sounds bananas. Overstimulation is your body trying to get your attention. Okay? We don't protect our houses from burning down by taking all the smoke detectors out. What we want to do is address that core message that yet again, you're not worth anything. And it's not true. That's the, that's the, that's the problem with it. It's not true. It's a lie. It's false. And so we are going to begin a practice where when our body starts taking off on us, we're gonna catch it. We're gonna have somebody that we trust. That could be your husband. That could be your, a girlfriend of yours. That could be, um, um, your mom, if she's safe. She probably is not, based on your story. Um, it could be a, a counselor. Whatever. But all we're going to do is when we feel our body, when one kid's running around and you say, "Stop running," and they just keep running, and instantly, that's it right there. Your body dumps into, "My own kid won't even listen to me." Yeah. "Wait, a way to be nice mom." And then you yell or snap, and then you're like, "Ah, and I'm a terrible mom too." We're just gonna stop right there, and we're literally gonna put our hand on our chest and we're gonna feel our bodies, and we're gonna exhale really deep and say, "That's not true. I'm not a terrible mom. I'm exhausted." Ta-da. I get to be exhausted. Not terrible. "I am not worthless." And we're going to be really intentional about "I am" statements. "I am a good wife, and I am a great mom, and I am working to practice on some new things that I've never done before in my life." Do you hear how one of these is so much more peaceful than going to war? Absolutely. So here's a couple of weird things I want you to practice. Okay? Okay. And you're not going to find this in traditional parent literature. Um, in there, so they're kind of weird. Number one, I want you to practice not using your kids as a report card. Okay? Here's what that means. Your kid does something ridiculous, like knocks over a plate of chips in a restaurant, or yells real loud. I don't want you to look around and make eye contact with other people. I want you to feel your body kind of getting embarrassed and ashamed and, "Oh my gosh," and then go, "He's two. You know what two-year-olds do? Knock over chip bowls. Next time, I, as the adult, I'm just going to remember to move the chips." Ta-da. No war, no fight, no running, no body starting to try to defend me because there's nothing to defend. I'm just gonna remember to move the chips next time. When somebody says, "Man, this one's got a lot of energy." Let your first impulse, I want you to practice this, be, "Thank God, it's so great. It's a lot, but it's so great." Do you see what I'm saying? We're practicing new ways of doing that. Okay? And you're going to stumble and fall and trip and screw up and be like, "Oh gosh, he's the worst." Then you're gonna catch yourself, be like, "He can be the worst, but man, I'm glad these health and he's running around." And we're just gonna practice that. Okay? Here's the second one. And when I say this, I don't want you just to immediately run into a big ball of burning shame. Okay? That sounds like an old, uh, My Chemical Romance song, but I don't want you to be like, "It's a ball of shame." Okay? Okay. I want you to practice being likable. And here's what I mean by being likable. Not being a doormat. Not having feelings. That's not what I mean. Whenever you find yourself about to tell your kid to stop running around, I want you to ask yourself, "Why? Why am I deciding that this is an important hill?" Is he unsafe? Then, yeah, of course. And instead of yelling, I'm just gonna get up and pick him up. Or I have this picture that a perfect mom has perfect kids, and perfect kids don't move, they don't run around, they don't ask questions, they don't talk too much. And that's not true. Perfect kids are silly and rambunctious and quiet and loud, and some sleep and some aren't very good at sleeping. It's a, it's just a bunch of different pictures. And so when I say practice being likable, practice skipping every other, "Hey, stop. Hey, quick, quick. Hey, quit." Asked, "Can you just put?" Skip every one of those. Or when one of your kids starts talking, I want you, like you can put your hand up and go, or put your hand on them and say, "Hey, Mom needs seven minutes. When this clock says 1:42, I want to hear all about your story, and you're gonna have three minutes. I want you to tell me the whole story." Are you ready? And they'll go, "Yeah." And then you take those seven minutes, and you breathe, and you go, and you go, "Ah." And some of that chatter will have dissipated, and there will be a core story there that you can hold your kids' hands, squat down, and look them in the eye and say, "Tell me all about it." And now your body's not trying to do 48 things at once. It's just lasered in here, and you're gonna find that that kid isn't as knowing as you think it is. Think he or she is. And all we're doing, we're just practicing being likable. And with your husband, there's a way that you can push and push and push until you snap. We're just gonna go way upstream, and you're gonna, he's gonna ask you every morning, "What's the best way I can love you today?" And what you're gonna find in a couple of weeks or a couple of months is, "Man, if you do bedtimes, or help with bedtimes, and if you just see a dish in the sink, I have a strange thing about dishes in the sink," or whatever the thing is for you. Um, you are going to have more peace, and he's gonna have a lot more sex, and you are too, obviously. See what I'm saying? Yes. Okay. So I threw a lot at you. I want to hear back from you. You may have, you may be like, "Dude, John, I've done all of these things." Or this may be totally new. Tell me what you're feeling as I'm talking. My husband and I just recently had that conversation, actually. Okay. Um, my product of listening to your show all the time. Okay. Tell me how that conversation went. Did not start off as a calm conversation, but we, the more we talked about our individual needs not being met, we figured out that if our needs aren't being met, we don't want to meet the other one's needs. There you go. And so we are both trying to make a more concerted effort and helping the other one get what they want and what they need. That, that is beautiful. Here's my, here's my mechanics question. How did y'all set that up? Did you tell him a list of needs that you have, and he told you a list? Yes. Okay. I want to change that a little bit. Okay. Okay. Needs are very dynamic. What I mean by dynamic is they're different all the time. They're always moving. So I want you to come up with a regular morning practice where you ask each other, "How can I help meet your needs today? How can I love you best today?" Because some days you're gonna be like, "I want to do the dishes and not look at another human or talk," and he may walk in and do all the dishes. He's like, "I'll do all the dishes so you can have more time with the kids." And you're like, "I'm gonna go bury myself in the backyard." Right? So I want this needs conversation to be something y'all do every single day. And what you're going to find is just the intimacy of this conversation is going to be extraordinary. And you're going to find that some days you have this need, some days you have that need, some days he has this need, some days you have that need. You might just have a picture of, "He needs more sex." Okay? So you're just gonna have a picture of sex. A picture of sex. Well, he may want rambunctious, silly, "We just got like, can't wait to get home" sex. And then other days he may want to just sit with you and have old, like connection, boring, married sex. Like what? It's gonna be different every time. And so I want y'all to make this a practice. Is that fair? Yeah. Absolutely. All right. I want you to say out loud, "I'm worthy of being a wife, and I'm worthy of being a mom." I'm worthy of being a wife, and I'm worthy of being a mom. And I want you to say out loud, "I am not worthless." I am not worthless. That story is not true. Say it. Is that hard to say? There it is. Yeah. So when you get up the courage to call a counselor, that's going to be where we start. My core story, my core message that I tell myself on a regular bit, it's encoded into my DNA is that I'm worthless. And I've tried to achieve academically, and I've tried to achieve, I've followed the rules, or I've tried to get people's attention by drinking a lot, or I've tried to marry the perfect guy and had the perfect kids. And the underlying ticker tape story is over and over and over again, "You are worthless. What are you doing here? Just go. Just leave." And that story is a lie.
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It's the roots of that story that we feel.
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We begin to think through new things, then we begin to practice new ways of real life.
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And hey, let's be honest, if you get a house cleaner, tell your husband to vacuum. That may help too. We'll be right back.
All right, let's go out to Wisconsin and talk to Brett. What is up, Brett? Hey, John, how you doing? Oh, good. I thought this was Brett Favre. And so good. I was actually named after him, of course, but never played football. I just assumed 85% of Wisconsin is walking around named Brett at some point, followed by Aaron is the other name. Yeah. Yeah. So what's up, dude?
Um, so I have a question for you. Um, how do I rebuild a solid relationship with my family after losing trust with them in the past? What'd you do?
So, um, last year, uh, right before Christmas, actually, I went through kind of a breakup. You know, it was, um, kind of, kind of somewhat my fault. I was a little bit of like, you know, a closet drinker in a way. Um, and, um, so there was like no trust. So it was kind of like, uh, um, kind of like, "Okay, I understood." But I, I've never really been good with dealing with my emotions, so I just kind of led to drinking a lot. But the big thing that happened was, uh, um, I ended up going on like a week and a half long bender in front of my family, and it just, it totally, I'm ashamed of. And, you know, they tell me they love me and, and everything, but it's just, it's more of like a, my problem that I have a hard time like believing that. And I was kind of wondering, like, should I sit down with them? Should I, um, like, it wasn't like cousins or aunts or uncles, it was like parents and brothers.
Um, what did you, did you do some some things that you regret? Were you on a bender? Um, yeah, I'd say so. Like I was kind of like swearing in front of my parents, which I never do that. Um, and like, just like I stole their car, you know, went to the car with it. Lead with that, dude. I, I got, I had a bender and I stole my parents' car. That's where we, it's like, "Well, I said some bad words, dude." Incredible. Um, yeah, no, I, like honestly, um, it's been a few months, so I laugh about it now. It, I guess my dad didn't see it that way. Yeah. But I just, I wanna be able to like, um, I don't know if I should like sit down and apologize with them individually and, and all that, you know? So I just kind of want to know your thoughts on that.
Um, well, there's a lot here. And I say there's a lot here because you didn't just all of a sudden become a closet drinker and all of a sudden not feel safe talking through how you were feeling about things or being able to express emotions in a healthy way. Yeah. And my guess is that same love, that same like, and well, and also, you didn't just overnight become a guy who lied to somebody that he loved and cared about about his health and his drinking and his inability to be in contact with his emotions or feelings. Like that's a long history worth of life. So my question for you would be, how much of this originates in that same family that saw you come unwound? Um, like, my parents don't drink at all. That doesn't matter at all. In fact, that can, that can sometimes, I don't see it make it worse, but they're, they're going to decompress somehow, and it may have been on you. Okay. See what I'm saying? Do you, uh, could you maybe elaborate on that, like a little bit? Yeah, so let's say your parents didn't drink. Let's say they were super, I'm gonna make something up here, okay? I don't know. Let's say they were super, super strict religious people, and they had a core set of rules. One of which was, "You never drink, and you never swear." And real people of character and morality and whatever faith tradition, fill in your faith tradition of choice here, people who are gonna make it in the end don't do this and this and this and this and this. And then Brett's just a kid, and Brett does a kid thing, and becomes, um, sacrificed on the altar of those seven or eight or ten or forty different things that we don't do. We're not allowed to do. And at some point, the rules become the favorite child. The way we are, the facade that we wear, is more important than making sure Brett knows, "Brother, there is my son. There is, there is nothing you can do that I won't come get you. There is nowhere to go that I won't still love you." That's not the message. The message is, "You do these 42 things right, then we'll allow you to sit here." And, you know, a great proxy for relationship, a great proxy for love, chemically speaking, is alcohol. It is a, a young boy's body screaming for somebody to connect with me because my parents are connecting with their rule set over me. And so alcohol works, man. It works. Oh, yeah. I know. I believe. Yeah. So, and then one day, you can't hold it in anymore, and it, the dam breaks, and the water bursts forth because you finally found somebody to plug into. And she left too. Yeah. No, I just made up a whole scenario. Just made it up. Okay. Any, that ring true, or you can be like, "You're kind of an idiot." No, no, no. Um, I, I think a lot of it, um, started, um, when I was probably 18 and like, kind of getting involved in like construction. No, no, no. What happened before that? You, you played along before that in what way? I didn't really like drink. No, I don't care about alcohol. You're focused on alcohol. I'm not. I'm focusing on ways your body got to the next day. What were your coping strategies before alcohol? Yep. Um, or let me say it like this, straight A's can be a trauma response too. Yeah. Being, I guess, um, go ahead. Maybe like, um, I don't know, like I always, um, I always like to be the best, you know? Um, I guess, and I always sometimes maybe like, I would try to please people. I don't know. Uh, I guess I, I can't, like think of an example of like in my childhood that I felt, um, the need to feel that. Okay. Um, but, um, I mean, like we were, um, I don't know, like things were, um, you know, that's just how I like to be, you know? And yeah, I guess I, I'm not really sure, you know?
So let's, let's transition to where we are now. How did you apologize or have you apologized after what happened at Christmas? Uh, we, no. And that's, yes. Then you need, you need to get in a car and go sit with your mom and dad. Okay? And if you have brothers or sisters there, you need to look across the table. But do not go unless two things are true. Number one, you have a plan to stop drinking for good. Okay? And you are able to demonstrate, "Mom and Dad, I don't drink. I've been going to these meetings. I've been seeing this counselor. I got in over my head, and I became somebody I was not. Here are the steps I have taken." And not because you're going to love me more, but I need you all to know that your little boy is going to be okay. That's number one. Number two, don't go apologize until you mean it. And what I mean is, don't go apologize to make yourself feel less guilty because then you're using them to prop you up. Don't do that, okay? Go apologize to them because you hurt them. And yeah, you're gonna feel sad, and you're gonna feel very sorry, and you're gonna feel disconnected, and that's all right. It's good because you are, you messed up. Yeah. Um, yeah, no, I, I appreciate that. So that helps out a lot. The third thing I want you to do here is I don't want you to try to solve it for them. I want you to ask them, "Mom, Dad, brother, sister, I love you. Then I'm open to whatever it takes to make this right." And this is submission. This is you taking a knee. And that's going to be hard for you because you're going to think, "Well, what if they tell me this? Or what if they say I can never..." Yep. It's part of restoring relationships. And if they give you something and they say, "We want you to do this, this, and this," you're like, "Are you doing that? Cool." Then you are choosing to walk away from this relationship. But I don't think that's your heart. I don't think that's where you are. No, no. Definitely not. It was actually like the one, um, kind of, it was kind of like the one thing that like the one way I was that I'd never like wanted my parents to ever see me like, you know, blacked out drunk, you know, and like do things like that. And, you know, like saying things in front of my brother that I really didn't, you know, like, kind of an example, like I was, my brother doesn't really call me a lot. And I was like, in front of them, and he was kind of telling me like, um, you know, "We love you and stuff." And I was like, "Oh, you never call me, you never do any of this." And I, I think he kind of felt bad, but I didn't really wanna, I didn't know if I needed to like tell them that way, you know what I mean? So, um, yeah, I think it's as simple as telling some folks, "I got real, real drunk, and I did some things and said some things that are gonna haunt me for the rest of my life, and I need you to look, you all in the eye and tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt the people that love me the most. Okay? And I had a problem with alcohol. Here's the steps I'm taking. I had a problem with lying and dishonesty. Here's the steps I'm taking. From this point forward, here's who I am going to be. Not here's who I'm not. Here's who I am going to be." And then just know that any one of them could say, "Ask for you." They probably won't. But if you've ever listened to this show, you know I always say, "Every relationship is a risk. Everyone is a risk." So when you go to repair a relationship after you've hurt somebody, they can say, "I don't, I'm, I'm done. You broke the circle. I'm out." And they get to do that. And it's gonna hurt. But at least at the end of it all, you did the right thing. You, you retained dignity and respect, even after doing things that were not dignified and was not honoring of people. You did the next right thing. Then you took a knee and said, "I hope you'll still love me." My guess is they're gonna say, "Thank God, we do. This is part of growing up." And it's the worst part, man. But in person, go make the visit. Don't do this on the phone. Don't do this via text. If you gotta fly, pay for the ticket on your own and go fly. It's time to make this right. It's time to make this right. We'll be right back.
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Hey, Deloney here. One of the things I love about my job is answering the tough questions people have when they call into the show. Your stories are incredible, and each person's situation is unique. And for years, people from all over the world have been asking if I do private counseling or private coaching sessions for them or for their spouse. And as much as I'd love to, I can't realistically do one-on-one coaching sessions with every single person. It's just not possible. But that's exactly why I wrote my new book, "Own Your Past, Change Your Future." Within the pages of this book is exactly what I would say if you and I were sitting down together at a table, looking for the next right move for you to make in your relationships, or to help you live a more whole and peaceful life. As you read through each section of this book, I will show you how to look and own the roads from your past and head to the new roads of a well life moving forward. Go to John Deloney dot com to get your copy today. That's "Own Your Past, Change Your Future" at John Deloney dot com.
All right, we are back. Hey, we're back with some sad news. Just got noticed just a few minutes ago. Tina Turner passed away. The Great and Mighty Tina Turner. So as a shout out to her, um, Kelly does not have a Tina Turner tattoo because she is not cool enough. She actually went to the tattoo parlor to get one, and the tattoo gun would not fire. The tattoo. That is fair, because I think you have to be pretty badass for Tina Turner. Yeah, that's a, that's a level that I aspire to. You'll get there. You're on a middling, uh, health and wellness podcast. Just, just keep on, keep watching. Any day now. Any day. Um, the song is a Tina Turner classic, "What's Love Got to Do with It?" And it goes like this: "You must understand, though the touch of your hand makes my pulse react. That it's only the thrill of boy meeting girl, opposites attract. It's physical only, logical. You must try to ignore that it means more than that. What's love got to do with it? What's love but a second-hand emotion? What's love got to do with it? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? I've been taking on a new direction, but I have to say, I've been thinking about my own protection. It scares me to feel this way."
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Shout out Tina. Pour some out. We'll see you soon.