Not Letting Go of the Past is Ruining my Future

So sometimes people just have a bad life, and then what happens is they get labeled with this like particular psychiatric thing. And then, like, no one ever removes a diagnosis from your chart. They just get added on and added on and added on.

Hey, how's it going? Good, buddy. How are you doing? Well, nice to meet you, my friend. Nice to meet you as well. What do you go by? Uh, Dom, or Dominic, whatever is easier for you. Okay, Dom, it is. Perfect. And then, just as an FYI, I, in preparation for this call, I kind of wrote a lot of notes and bullet points. I was trying to hit to stay mostly on topic. Also, just feel free to cut me off whenever, if you want to. Sure. So let's just start with, who do you want to be, and what's holding you back? And you can read your bullet points if you want to. Dom. Sure. Uh, do you care if I start with a little background context? Not at all. Perfect.

All right, so I come from a very small family. It was just myself, sister, my mom, and dad. Um, never met anyone on my mom's side of the family. She moved out when she was 16, and they never breached back out to contact her. So we don't know anyone from her side. Okay. And then on my dad's side, smaller family as well. Um, thinking back to just like childhood, around kindergarten is when, like, I knew that there were issues between, like, my mom and my dad. It was majority on my dad's side. Um, since then, I guess now he's been clinically diagnosed with eight different mental illnesses. A lot of those were, yeah, were pretty, uh, intense back then. Just a quick rundown of them, it was bipolar, depression, IED, schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder, hypomania, and hypermania. So there was a lot of, a lot of things to unpack growing up. And obviously, not knowing too much about it with, like, mental health stigma. So, um, all of those issues that were coming from, like, my dad's side resulted in my mom not feeling safe for either her or myself, my sister, to be living it wherever my dad was. Uh, he would go missing. There was just a lot of issues. So we moved around a ton, which resulted in my dad's side of the family, we would stay with them until, like, a week or two of being there, they're like, "All right, you know what? You got to figure this out. We've never seen the side of him like, I think you're overreacting." And there's just a lot of, "Go figure it out on your own." So then we would have to continually move and find new places, or some nights, just out of a car. And then eventually, one bedroom apartment between three of us, which is perfectly fine, but there's just a lot of us on top of each other, not really any space or separation. And financial struggles were huge with my family. So at one point too, my mom was working three jobs at one point, seven days a week. So it was basically just my sister and I became independent around, like, for me, at, I guess, around like seven or eight years old. And that's right. Yeah. So we're basically living on our own. Sister, she's two years older, she did very well and helped out. She kind of took on, like, "Here, we'll do the cooking. Like, you do." It was just, we kind of ran the house while my mom did everything she could to provide.

So we're gonna skip ahead a little bit. But, um, senior year of college for me, I was clinically diagnosed with ADHD. So there was a lot of questions that came about that because I always did okay in school, but would struggle with, you know, sitting down, studying, completing homework, um, actually learning the information during the class, rather than the night before a test, which that, you know, I got into some trouble, or "Hey, you didn't do well on this test," or, you know, just different academic struggles. But for bringing that back home, and my mom's doing everything she can, it was like, "How am I going to bring more stress?" When that's like the only focus.

I'm sorry, I, I didn't, I didn't follow you there. So, uh, let's go, you just, you said something about, "How am I going to bring more stress?" What is the stress that you're bringing, and where are you bringing it to? Right. So struggling financially, it was, "If I want to go to college, I have to get a full-ride scholarship." Got it. That is the main goal. If you don't get that, then you're not going to college. Good luck. So anytime that I would struggle academically, it would be bringing the point of, like, "Oh, hey Mom, I know you just got back and you're doing everything you can, things aren't good, you're very stressed, you're trying to make everything great. I'm not doing well in school." Which then is, "Well, you need to, otherwise you're not going to college."

That is how your mom would respond? That is correct. Yes. Okay. It was just obviously she had a lot going on. And dealing with, I should just be able to do what I need to because I'm smart. Um, so that was a big struggle throughout high school. And then college, it became a bigger issue with ADHD, just like, you know, I can't brute force my way through and get away with it, basically. But anyway, it, sorry, we go through my points. Um, so throughout high school, it was just a lot of tension between family. Never wanted to, or at home, it was always negative. So anytime I was not at home, it was never talk about family, never any of that situation. And always just sacrificed my own well-being to make sure whoever I'm with is happy because I want to be surrounded by happy people. So it was never, I never really, I guess, developed my own personality. It was just adapt to whoever I'm with to make sure that they're happy because if they're happy, I feel happy because it's not negative. Um, I don't know if that made sense.

Yeah, I think it makes a lot of sense. Okay, cool. Um, sorry, plus my point of my bullet points, I had a full, full circle thing. Um, going through.

Dom, is it, is it, let's pause for a second. Let me ask you something. How would you feel if you weren't able to make it full circle for me? Oh, I feel like I had a prime opportunity and I kind of wasted it. So who are we making it full circle for? Myself, really. Yes. Okay. All right. There's a, there's a whole tunnel. Okay. Anyway, my main point to the topic is just, I want to be able to separate my past from what is current, like the present. I want, I want to take where I am and have future goals. I want to make progress towards that. But it's insanely tough when everything from the past and always feeling like I'm just dealing with an ultimatum of, "You have to get this or you're screwed." They're very relevant. So how can I separate the two, the past and the present, to then look to the future? Is my main point.

Okay. And then it's just a common theme of everything always feeling like an ultimatum that I don't have a choice. I was going to ask you a question about that. Give me just one second. I'm having a slight problem with my headphones. Definitely. Okay. So, uh, can you tell me, can you say something? Hello. Say something again. It's me. One more time. Hello. Nope. Okay. Give me a second. I gotta fix my headphones. This is, no worries. Okay. Oh, there we go. Keep talking. Count to ten for me. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Perfect. Nine. All right. So can you give me an example of an ultimatum now, Dom? Right now, it's, it feels like survivability. It's struggling with bills, going basically paycheck to paycheck. And if I decide to try to change, or, you know, the possibility of, let's branch out and change some things, maybe it'd be better. If it goes wrong, then I am screwed financially with no support system or backup plan or help from, like, family. So it's, it's me and only me. And if I do anything wrong, then I don't know.

So what I'm kind of hearing is that you've got no room to experiment, like you can't afford to take a chance, and it's like survival every day. Correct. Can I think for a second? Definitely. Because that's a lot, man. Yeah, there's a lot of living and stress, fear, and anxiety, just all around. And what I'm hearing is that you really want to escape the legacy of your past. Yes. It's very hard for me. Setting goals never made sense to me because it was always, "Here's the one outcome," which I guess is technically a goal, but it's either this or it's like, "Good luck, basically." Like, what else would I do? I don't want to get stuck part-time job. I don't, you know, obviously I want to go to college. I, I had aspirations for those. And they just, to clarify, did you, and I thought you said you got diagnosed with ADHD? It was that as a senior in college? Correct. So did you complete college? I did. And are you, it sounds like you're not in a good financial situation right now. That is correct. And did you get a degree that you can utilize in a, in a way to help you with financial security or, or what's going on there? Yes and no. The major that I wanted to go into did not go well with classes. So basically failed those. But again, I'm on a four-year full tuition scholarship. So I can't mess that up because I can't do the extra semester, extra year, because financially, it, yep, would not be, um, good. Uh, so I ended up having to switch majors twice. This is something else that was kind of, you know, "What? I can finish this in the four years and just get done with it." So it's not where I want to be. It's not as lucrative of a degree, I suppose. But I do have plans, I guess, kind of set up in my current job and with my manager to hopefully move to more what I want. Okay. At the moment, yes, struggling. Here's, here's the question. Is your, do you have a degree that allows you, in the relative short term, to no longer live paycheck to paycheck? Maybe in the near future, a couple of years, hopefully? Okay. To just pick up and move to a different one? No, but for like longevity or staying in a company for growth, yes. Do, do you, do you mind if I ask you details about that? Sure. So can you tell me, like, what your degree is, what your current job is, and what the job that you, you're positioned to become financially independent with is? So I graduated with Human Computer Interaction, which at the time was very new. Um, so there wasn't really any jobs, at least when I was looking, that were looking for that. Granted, now there are, and it's mostly around UX and UI research. Why do people interact or do things that they do on either their phone or on computers? So that's what I'm trying to go to now. What I started with, that I've been at the same company, was tech support. And then that has, I've then moved, got promoted to become a content writer on the product team. So it's just more documentation. Okay. So my end goal is UX research. Okay. And what's your path to get there? Currently, in the talk with my manager, is we need a UX researcher for our company. I have the major for it. I just don't have any of the experience, tools, or anything. So it's a company putting all their chips in on me, or just hiring someone else and then I might learn from them. Why are you thinking about only this company? Because I feel that my skills aren't enough to warrant going to get hired somewhere else. So if I can stay in the same company and get any kind of experience, it makes me look that much more valuable to then branch elsewhere. I would feel more comfortable in my chances. And so, let me just think about how to ask this. Can I think for another second? Definitely. How good of an assessor are you at how good of a fit you are for the job that you want? Probably not great. I might be a little biased against myself. Yeah, that that's fair. So I'll share something. How do you feel like when I ask you that question and you shared that answer? Like, do you have an emotional reaction that comes with it? No, it's just always, I don't know if it's an emotion, granted, like it always feels the same, but it's always an immediate thought of just self-worth. Probably not good enough. Yeah.

So here's, so what do you think about yourself, Dom? That's a lot. With the ADHD, I guess, like from getting clinically diagnosed and starting prescriptions and talking, it was like, "Wow, things could have been so much easier. I probably could have been so much more successful. College would have been probably a lot better. Definitely would have been starting in the major that I wanted. Would have been a lot less stress." So a lot of it is not regret, just disappointment, I guess, for myself. How could I have gotten a full-ride scholarship and this is where I am? How could I have dealt with everything growing up, like, you know, childhood? But I can't figure things out now. It's just a lot of it feels like a wasted time. Very far back. But now starting to realize it. You angry? No, just, I guess more helpless. Just like stuck in an abyss, I guess. Help me understand what you're helpless about. Just knowing, not knowing how to, I guess, just better myself. Okay. Just in general. I used to be on top of a lot of things, like working out. Used to feel smarter. Now it's just clouded mess of stress. I don't eat. I, there's just a lot of. Whose fault is that? Uh, do you ever think about that? It's never whose fault. It's always just, "I wish I knew." It wasn't that. Okay. I'm going to need to think for another second. I really appreciate all your bullet points and the thoroughness of your story. Thank you. Hopefully, I'm not doing too much. How did you feel when I made that comment? So thank you. Um, I appreciate it. And what did you say in response? Um, I don't remember. There's no way. Okay. Okay, Dom. So here's, I don't know exactly where this is going to go or what we're gonna do, but I'm hopeful for you, and we're gonna try to understand things a little bit. Okay. Sure. So the first is, when I was working in the emergency room, sometimes we would have patients come in that had multiple diagnoses. Like they would have like six, seven diagnoses on their chart. There's a really awesome a nurse practitioner who I was working with, and I would ask her, you know, "What is this? You know, what's the diagnosis?" And she would say, "[ __ ] life syndrome." So sometimes people just have a bad life. And then what happens is they get labeled with this like particular psychiatric thing. And then, like, no one ever removes a diagnosis from your chart. They just get added on and added on and added on. And what I'm hearing, Dom, is that you have had an exceedingly difficult life. Like, when we're talking about, "What's the worst hand that you can get dealt?" Like, "It's Dom's hand." Like, "Well, if we look up in the textbook, what does the worst hand look like?" We're going to see a picture of your face. And, and here's what I, hopefully that's not, I don't mean to be judgmental. It's just when I'm thinking about, like, advantages and disadvantages when we spawn in the world, you've got a history of severe and what sounds like under-treated mental illness in your direct family, social isolation, stress, financial instability. You also were not allowed to be a child, right? So like, this is where there's there's all kinds of stuff that I was thinking early on in your story, which I don't think we're gonna get to. So for example, like, how do we learn what we want? We learn who we are and what we want through creative play, basically, right? We have to explore and like see, like, "Oh, I like this thing. I'm a dog person. I'm not a cat person." You can never know that about yourself unless you are exposed to dogs and cats. What I'm hearing is that from this age of seven or eight that you and your sister were essentially independent, that you had, like, you weren't given a childhood, you weren't given an opportunity to play or explore. Whatever that, in and of itself, is devastating enough. Um, followed by then you've got this other angle of untreated ADHD, which, um, you should absolutely check out our guide. I don't know if you get access to that by by being a guest on stream or whatever. But if you can't afford it or something, just let us know and we'll figure that out. Pre-ordered. Okay. Well, looking forward to it. Okay. So, um, it, so there's just a lot of stuff about untreated ADHD, which I'll sort of summarize for you there briefly, but there's a lot of detail. But essentially, what happens is, like, so if you're a kid who's, and I think you're smart, so you managed to compensate. But the thing is, a kid with ADHD who's smart, it's almost more devastating because, like, you're eight years old and you're looking around at the other kids and you're noticing that you're just as smart as them, but it's easy for them and it's hard for you. And it shouldn't be hard for you. You know that you're just as smart as them. And like, they can sit down for an hour and learn something, but it takes you four hours to learn something. And so what happens in ADHD that's untreated is that you think that there's like a problem with you, there's something busted. And as that persists, a seven-year-old, eight-year-old, nine-year-old, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, then you get a diagnosis. And then there's a whole other thing that happens, which is now you begin to grieve the life that you could have had. Which you have every right to do. If you had a dad who took care of himself from a mental illness standpoint, if you had more supportive family, if you had more financial security, if you had a rich grandpa, like there are all kinds of things about your life that could have been easier for you. And that sucks. So there's like all that alternate universe stuff that you have to grieve. And then even if they just diagnose you with ADHD at the age of 12, if they just fixed one thing, forget about all the other stuff. You're not asking for a whole lot. If they just fixed one damn thing, your whole life could have been different. You could have majored in the major you wanted. You could have, you gotta, because it sounds like you got a full ride to college with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. And so the amount of effort that you had to put in, the amount of unfair obstacles you had to overcome to just get, like, do you see what I'm saying? Like, you have had to invest 10 times as much effort to get like a 1X yield. And when someone does that over and over, when I have to work 10 times as hard as my colleagues, if I'm lucky, I get angry. If I'm unlucky, I think it's me. You blame yourself, or you blame other people. There's a good, a theory from Freud that depression is anger directed against the self. So the lack of self-worth is like all of the rage. So I asked you, "Are you angry?" And you're like, "Not really." And it's like, "[ __ ] it's, it's, yeah, now it's just more acceptance that it sucked and not knowing what to do." Yeah. Yeah. So, so I, I hear that. And I think there's some amount of healthy acceptance there. But this is the kind of thing where I've worked with people like you in a more psychotherapy relationship over time, which is definitely something I would recommend for you, by the way. And one of the steps that we try to take is like, you need to start getting angry at other people. Because as you become angry, as you assign responsibility for your negative situation to others, you may say, "What's the point in that?" The point in that is that honestly, it's not your fault. And the truth of the matter is that your parents probably, in a sense, I'm sure you'll say this kind of thing, they did the best that they could. Did they do a good job, Dom? No. No, right? And how do you feel about that? Uh, I look at the goods of it, right? So there's like, there's no anger. And there needs to be because that [ __ ] is going somewhere. And what, what tends to happen is it gets directed towards the self. And then we have self-worth issues. Now, we get to your question, which is, "How do I let the legacy of the past stop determining my present and my future?" And the first thing is that you understand that it is going to, for some amount of time. But you see how the past is manifesting in the present. Because what the past is doing is it's manifesting in the present, and then it's directing your future. In the simplest way, is that you're not applying for a [ __ ] job as a UX researcher anywhere outside of your country or your company. And I don't mean that enough. Do you feel blamed when I say that? No, just just fear, right? So like, that's the fear. What are you afraid of? It doesn't work, or my current job, I don't know. And I guess they're not gonna fire me for looking for a new job. They don't need to know. First of all, right? It's just, what if it goes wrong? And then there's no backup plan. It's just, I guess the biggest thing is finally the most comfort I've had is knowing I'll at least get a paycheck every two weeks to cover myself, rather than having to do extra side jobs to make things work. Such as comfort, finally, for the first time. Okay. So that's good. But so, but let me ask you, like, would that fear that you feel, um, that's the legacy of the past. Do you see that? So if you no longer want it to shape your future, you can't listen to it. So this is where, like, like, so it's kind of interesting because when I, uh, the end of what you shared with me really felt more like a, like I'm putting on my career coaching hat for a second, which is that, and this is the thing about career coaching, is that it's not just about what to do. It's recognizing that we have past experiences which become a part of us, and then will inform our thoughts and our decisions. And telling you to just apply for as a UX researcher is not going to work. We have to appreciate the emotional challenges that that's going to take. So this is where, like, if you've been comfortable, if this is the first time you've been comfortable for a while, I'd say be comfortable for a little while. Don't add some amount of stress. But my guess is that even being comfortable, you're going to be paranoid. Mm-hmm. At one point, I was feeling financially stable until my car broke down. I had to find no one. But when talking with my actual therapist, oh God, you're in therapist. I almost, yeah, I almost had more anxiety and worry that I didn't have anxiety or worry. Yeah. So there's just all kinds of crap that you've unfortunately like adapted to. And so your journey, Dom, is going to be long. But what I am hopeful for is that each step you take will be brighter. So even though you've got a long way to go, like, you're in the pit and the air is foul down here, and there's no sunlight, and it's damp. But every step you take, the air is going to get fresher. There's going to be sun on your face. There's going to be wind. You're going to start to dry off. You'll start to feel better. There's going to be fruit bushes and streams and rain, like, you know, like every step you take is going to be better than the last. That I'm, I'm hopeful for you that that's the case. And, and what I see, like, I know that you have issues with self-worth, let's just sum it up that way. But what I see is someone who's incredibly resilient, incredibly strong, incredibly brave, incredibly has a ton of endurance. And what I also see, what I feel when I see you, is actually sadness because I think it's really unfair that you had to be all of those things. I, I don't think you're frivolous, and that makes me sad. Frivolous is the one thing that you are not. And like, that's terrible that you've never had the opportunity to be wasteful. Right? But I think like going forward, what this kind of means is that, like, so recognize that your self-worth is going to be built up, or lack of self-worth, or negative self-attitude is going to be built up from all these experiences. And I think growing up without a with ADHD, there's going to be attachment related crap going on too. So all that kind of stuff, you know, you may have difficulty forming relationships and things like that because you, no one ever showed you what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. So you may not know how to behave in one. There's all kinds of stuff. But I would say, if your goal is like, "Present, how do you shape your present and future?" I would start with something really, really concrete, which is, don't put all of your eggs in one basket at your current job. And recognize that, like, and this is where, like, I don't know how to say this, but, you know, when I talk to people like you, there's an assumption that like, "Oh, like, we have to heal all of the psychological hurt on the inside and go to therapy until you are like cured." But I don't want to say this just as as a therapist. Financial security is so much of mental health. And you can therapize people who are broke for a decade. I don't know that you're ever gonna get them to feel like the stress response, like the cortisol flowing through your body, the way your neurons are wiring, the physiology of your stressful situation that comes from financial insecurity cannot be therapized away. Or maybe it can. Maybe I'm just not good enough. This is where, like, I'm kind of like a simple dude. So I think like, so there's, there's evidence for example. So there's a program in New York called Housing First. Where they were, what they used to do is they take people who were had addiction problems. And what they would do is, like, if you want to get housing, you need to be clean for a certain amount of time. And what they found is that you could give those people all the therapy or clinical treatment in the world to try to get them sober, to get them into housing. But if you flip it around, the outcomes are way better. You just give them a place to live. Then getting sober becomes easier. So there's like decent evidence. And I'm, I'm kind of of this mind that, like, you have to get some amount of financial security and a roof over your head in order to get mentally well. And this is where, like, when we say mental health is more than mental illness, this is exactly what I'm talking about. So in your case, I would really start by tunneling down. If you, there's one thing that you need to change, it's to improve your financial security, which I think you understand and you've worked really hard towards. And that's like, if UX research is what you do, don't negotiate your against yourself and like reject yourself before someone else gives you a chance. And that's where it's going to be hard. But I would apply for five jobs, 10 jobs, 15 jobs while you're doing this stuff at your job. Then there's also all kinds of other things which you, like, you may not have never been taught, which is that if you have an offer in hand, does it improve your chances of, or make it, does it better or worsen your chances at your current employer to get the job that you want? It would better. No, that that alone, I think, is huge. I, that was one of the biggest, choosing to stay current job to hopefully get to that position, that just seemed like the safe route where I can then look at other things. Rather than job. But to hear that, and obviously with financials, huge, honestly, just huge relief hearing that that should be a possibility. Let's actually look into. Absolutely. And here's the thing, staying at your current job is actually not the safe route. So like, this is the other thing. It's a bit judgmental, it's a bit assumptive, but you're so paranoid about taking a chance that you play it safe. And in playing it safe, all you're left with is one lifeline. Yeah, you see that? So this is what we tend to see for people who are struggling in careers. Is there's a psychological aspect which they lean into, which they learned for a damn good reason. And like, like, I'm not blaming you for believing that because I think you, you're a smart guy, you believe that because, like, you know, like, what, like, I mean, in the household you grow up, Dom, once you grab a lifeline, what do you never do under any circumstances? Once you've got a lifeline, gamble it. Absolutely. You hold on to it. And even if the boat is going towards the edge of a waterfall and it's gonna pull you right over and rocks, you do not let go under any circumstances. You don't let go of the lifeline to climb on shore. Right? And so like, these are, if you want to let go of the past, like you've got to see all of this stuff and how it informs your current decision making. I'm not blaming you for any of these thoughts. I don't think you're weak if you need some amount of comfort. If you're not ready to let go of the lifeline yet, even though it's the right move, that's fine too. But what I'm hearing is like someone who has overcome trials, tribulations, someone who will take any opportunity. Like, if they're given a single opportunity that they're not [ __ ] handicapped through the through it all, they're going to excel. And honestly, the same thing. Like, there's a part of, like, I see a part of myself in you, or I'm relating, I guess you could say, because, like, you know, I, I failed a bunch, and then like someone gave me one chance when I entered medical school. And what I told them is like, "If y'all, I've worked my ass off to get to where I am. If you give me a single chance, I will not disappoint you." And my life was very different because I had the opposite of your upbringing in terms of all of the advantages, all the privileges. And I [ __ ] squandered it away, jumped into the pit, and then had to climb out. And what I see is someone who's like hard-working, dedicated, loyal. You haven't talked about that, but I imagine you may be loyal to a fault, you know? And, and so the thing is, like, give people the opportunity to employ you. It's a benefit to them. And you may not feel that worth yet, but like, bro, like, I don't know how to say it, like, just the fact that you're alive today, that you are making it from paycheck to paycheck instead of being saddled with eight diagnoses yourself, homeless, and drugs and all that kind of [ __ ], like, that is an amazing achievement. And I think all you need is like, you just need an even game, and you will blow it out of the water. And the thing is, the court is there, you just have to step onto it. But recognize that as you try to step onto it, you're gonna have to, like, let go of life. Even then, you're not really letting go, right? Even if you have a good relationship with your manager, you can ask them, "Hey, I'm thinking about looking for UX researcher jobs. Do you have a sense of like, what the timeline is here? I really love working here." Right? So like, I don't know if anyone has taught you language. You ever been like taught this stuff? Oh, so, so like, I'll share this with you because I want to try to make it concrete. I'm not 100% sure that this is the right thing to say, but just to give you an example. So you go to your boss and you say, "Hey, I really love working here. I really love the work that I do. I really appreciate that this company needs this role, and I think I'm your guy. And I really appreciate that you're advocating for me. Do you have a sense of like, how likely is this, and what the timeline is? I'm thinking about looking for other UX researcher jobs because that's really what I want to do, you know? If you're telling me that it's going to happen here, then like, I'm just trying to understand like, what's going on. My honestly, my preference would be, I love working here, I want to stay here." And at the same time, what I'm hearing from you is that, like, it may happen, it may not happen. Now, if you have a real [ __ ] of a boss, they may fire you on the spot or something like that. But, like, you know, I think just be honest with people. And, and this is the wild thing that I think, you know, people don't understand. Like, just because you leave a job doesn't mean that you're going to leave on bad terms. Doesn't mean that. I worked with a bunch of people who will leave jobs with bosses on good terms. Boss moves to a different company, says, "Hey, we want to hire you back because I love working with you." And then like opportunities will come. Dom, you just keep doing what you're doing. You've done an amazing job. And like, open yourself up to having the world not [ __ ] you for once. Oh, that's scary. Yeah, no, I, yeah, no, all that all makes sense. I agree. I think it's helpful questions. I don't, I don't think so. Otherwise, we're gonna go on for way longer. I think we're good. We hit the point. Okay. All right. One quick one. So currently dating my girlfriend, almost two years. Things are good. First relationship ever. Things record really well. Great. She comes from like, yours like the opposite side of my upbringing. She knows of like issues in ADHD and just struggling in general. And she's really advocating that I get things fixed. She's very health at nutrition oriented mindset, values a lot of that too. She's like, "You definitely need to start making progress." Nothing in like timeline, nothing. It was all a healthy conversation. Just, "You need that, start making progress on getting better in general." How do I show progress? How do I make sure? Because I'm already over, I overthought it for way too long. But just, is there a way other than just, "I am talking to someone?" I guess that's really, yeah. Okay. I'm so glad you asked because we're gonna try to be a positive part of the world for a second. Okay. So what does she want you to do more precisely? So I don't eat regularly anymore. And that was due to working way too much. Screwed over by eating habits. So that's a struggle. Groceries, hard for me to warrant buying food. What do you mean by that? [ __ ] if I buy groceries, there's a good chance that I'll probably just not eat it. Or the amount of work that has to be put into cooking won't do. Or it might just go bad. And if that's the case, then I just wasted money that could be used elsewhere. So it's hard for me to get myself to buy groceries regularly. So I'd much rather get a cheap meal from fast food once a day if I'm feeling it, maybe not. So eating has been really bad, which then also has then affected energy. My sleep schedule has just been terrible. So I don't have energy to begin with. Also could be because of the food and also the stress. So there's a lot of other things around it. So it's more so getting myself to a point where I'm eating, I can work out, I have energy, and I'm not. Dom, do y'all talk? My girlfriend? Yeah. Does she unders, do you all talk about what your experiences of living and existing are? Yes. And it started off a lot more of like, you know, the elevator speech of it. And then when this last conversation came up, was when I kind of dove like head first into like, "Here is the situation. Let me try to paint it in a way that makes sense." And she's very understanding. It's nothing, again, none of this conversation with her was bad. It's just I'm obviously going to take it to new extremes. But yeah, she is understanding. She does know and she is learning alongside with me. Okay. Can I think? I'm gonna need to think for longer in a second. Definitely. Because we do have another caller. But I want to try to give you an answer to this because the world has screwed you in enough ways, and we're going to try to give you a little extra time. But that may make you feel guilty. So I don't even want to say, "Just let me think." So here's what I think you should do. Okay. Caveat is, I know very little about the situation. I know very little her about her. I know a little bit more about you. But we're gonna try something anyway. Please be critical of what I'm about to say and be thoughtful about how you apply it. So if you have a partner who wants you to be healthier, how do you approach that? So there are a couple of inherent problems. The first is that the tools that she's working with, like the assumptions that she has, like, "I can buy groceries and I can afford them." There are a lot of like core assumptions that she may have never questioned. So what, when she sees an unhealthy behavior, her diagnosis of that behavior involves all kinds of stuff that may be very different from why you do the behavior. If that gap is not bridged, y'all are in trouble. Okay. So because like, you're just operating from a different set of rules. And like, if she's playing one game and you're playing another game, and you'll end up with different results. It's like, I'm playing a video game on the internet, and every 30 seconds my power is going out, and then I lose the game on the internet. That doesn't mean I'm a bad player. It just means the tools that I have at my disposal are completely different. Okay. So what I would, what I would start with is try to share with her, "This is where I came from. This is where I am. And this is where I want to go." And I would share with her what you shared with me. I would share with her what your struggles have been. I would also share with her what your successes have been, because you've had a lot of them. I don't know, do you realize you've had a lot of them? They don't feel like successes, but yes, I know. So now you need to really be honest with yourself. So let me ask you, if you had a, if if your dad has eight diagnoses, is in and out of places, y'all are basically broke all the time, you had to raise yourself, no one ever taught you how to study, Mom never taught you how to study, never prepared you for your tests, you've got undiagnosed ADHD. How likely is it that you go to college? How likely is it that you get a full ride to college? Even less, slim to none is your answer for the first question. So is that a success? Yes. Does it feel that way? No. That's okay. So when you go through this process, you need to be a little bit critical of how you feel and like what you've actually accomplished, because the truth is, you've come a really long way. Right? And so like, this is where you were, this is where I've come, this is where I want to go. I want to be healthy. I want to build a career. You know, like, these are the things that I want. Because I think it's important, I, I know this is going to sound kind of weird, but like, it's important if you're in a committed relationship to demonstrate effort and progress to your partner. So like, you've made progress, but you've still got a lot of work to do. Now, you don't want to kind of come across as, I don't know how to say this, but like, you don't want to be like a victim necessarily, but you also don't want to minimize the shitty hand you've been dealt. That's like a reality. And you've made progress. You're a [ __ ] hero. And you have a long way to go, and you're going to need some help. But you're planning on doing this. So I think she needs to understand that. So you should share your life story. And then like also, like, really focus on your wins. The fact that no one ever taught you how to succeed at a job, but it sounds like your manager likes you and is advocating for you. You're a hard worker, you, you know, you don't give up, you're tenacious, and all kinds of other stuff. That's number one. So I would specify for her where you want to go, including health and things like that. Then I would say to her, "What makes it hard for you? Here's what I struggle with." And now this is where things become really tricky. I would ask her, I would ask her all kinds of questions. So when you say, "I should eat healthy," "Help me understand what you think keeps me from eating healthy." "When you try to eat healthy, what are the reasons that you're not able to eat healthy?" And how is it that you're able to get healthy? And she's gonna say something like, "Well, I have to be organized. I have to go to the grocery store. You know, if I go to the grocery store on Monday morning, then I'm going to eat healthy. If I don't go to the grocery store, then I won't eat healthy." Then I would ask her, like, "So what are there situations where you go to the grocery store and you throw away groceries?" And then I would ask her, "So like, if you had, let's say, a hundred dollars a week for food, how would that change the way that you eat?" You know? And then I would kind of share with her that my experience is different. The reason I don't go to the grocery store is because if I throw out food, like that's money that I, I don't have money for that. I, I can't, I literally can't afford it. And so I sometimes will eat calorie-dense food once a day because I get 2,000 calories for eight dollars. And I work a lot, and that's how I survive. I'm not saying it's healthy. I'm not saying I want to stay there. It's just how it works in my head. Now, you've got to be there a couple of pitfalls here, okay? So I'm going to give you some tips. Number one, when you talk to her, what is your phys, how do you all talk? Like physically, tell me, draw me a picture. Where is she? Where are you? Where are y'all sitting? Other across from each other? Next to each other? Never sit across from each other when you're having this conversation. Always sit next to each other. Do you all hold hands? Yeah. Okay. So I would also do some kind of mild intimate, I don't mean sexual, physical contact while you're having this conversation. So as she understands how privileged she is and how not privileged you are, she may feel attacked. It's very important that you don't attack her. It's very important that y'all don't compare. So it's not about, "You did this way, this way." The goal in your mind should be, "I care about this person. This person cares about me. I want their help and support. These are goals that I have too, but we're each coming with a different, we're playing the same game, but we've got different hands of cards. She's got a straight flush, I've got a 2-7 off-suit. We, you could both win, but the strategy you use has to be different." So don't compare. Ask a lot of questions to understand her perspective. Hopefully, she will ask you questions as well. You should answer them. Be careful that comparison. Next thing, next pitfall. Be very careful about problem-solving. So as you share certain things, you're, you're grinning. What's that grin? There's just problem-solved, trying to figure everything out. So overthinking. I, I would make it clear to her that sometimes when y'all are talking, the goal is not for her to problem-solve for you. Okay, "Here's how you buy groceries. Let me help you with that." I would actually be a little bit clear with her that like, there's an understanding phase and there's a planning phase. And like, sometimes I'm just sharing for the sake of sharing. We'll figure stuff out. Let's develop a plan later. But right now, I need you to just listen and understand. And my goal is going to be listening and understanding. And then ask for her support. So like, "What, how, like, I may need help with this. Like, how can you help me?" Because they'll be like, "I can give you $100 a week for groceries." Say, like, "Okay, that's fine. That you can do that. What are like, what else can you do?" You may not feel comfortable with that. And you can say like, "I just don't feel like I, I feel that feels emasculating to me. And I want to be able to do a certain amount of this on my own. But can we just talk about it? Can you help me plan? Can you help me do this?" And sometimes it's just going to be about listening. But sometimes, I don't know how to say this, but if she grew up in a household where like people meal plan and do whatever, and y'all didn't, she may actually have information for you that's useful. You just need to be really, really intentional about when y'all are like understanding and exploring, and when y'all are developing plans. How does that sound? Sounds, that sounds good. Okay. Nothing against that. Any questions or concerns? No. Okay. That does help them. It gave me structure. Okay. Good luck to you, Dom. I appreciate it. Again, thank you. Take care, man. You as well. All right. Yeah. So in terms of summary, just real quick, you know, when we say mental health is more than mental illness, that's like, I don't know how to say this, but there's just so much evidence that financial security, just like learning how to negotiate at your job, like all kinds of stuff contributes to our sense of peace, security, lowers our physiology. And it's not all fixed in therapy. Like, that's just not how it is. Like, I, you know, and so it's, it's good, it's great that we're in therapy. It's good, you should absolutely do it. But also recognize that, like, you got to take care of your external material world too. And that as you can afford to buy groceries, and as you can have a savings account with a six, six months of like, emergency savings, that is going to do so much for your stress, your sense of well-being, your confidence in yourself, your ability to try new things, your ability to be motivated. And we sometimes, like, lose sight of that. So, you know, if you're in a, in a hard situation, don't blame everything on psychology or lack of self-worth or things like that. And honestly, acknowledge that sometimes life is hard.