Transcription
There's one thing about life on planet Earth, and that is that nobody gets in for free. Everybody's got a price to pay. Doesn't matter whether you're Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk or Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey or Brad Pitt, or you're just some guy going to work every day trying to pay his bills. Everybody's got problems; everybody's got to deal with it. It's not what you have to deal with; it's how you deal with it that matters.
I told you before, I think in one of my videos, about a client that I have who was a Vietnam War vet. He's 90. He was a, uh, a Green Beret. He went in with the first batch of advisers into Vietnam, and he spent two tours there. During those two tours, he was barely scratched. He did—he was awarded, I should say, um, two Silver Stars and two Bronze Stars for Valor. So this guy is a—he's a war hero; he's a combat veteran; he's seen some serious stuff. A lot of guys came back from Vietnam, and they were really screwed up in the head; they struggled with it, but they couldn't process what they saw. Some guys, like my friend, went on to live very successful, normal lives—very happy, very easygoing people. So what's the difference? It's not what happens; it's how you deal with what happens.
Well, marriage is a bit like that, or divorce is a bit like that. Marriage and divorce together, definitely a bit like that. Not that it's like going to war; it's not like being in combat, but it's definitely high stakes, and it's definitely very emotional. And it's not what happens to you; it's how you deal with it. So let's talk about it because I think it makes a big difference, not only in how you recover from your divorce, but just how you deal with anything in life. Because, like I said, doesn't matter who you are, doesn't matter how good-looking or successful you are, if you're here, you got a price to pay, so you better be able to pay it, and the easier that price to pay, the better.
I was kind of fortunate in a way, and that the failure of my marriage came relatively early. Now, we didn't get divorced early, but I knew that the marriage had failed at a relatively early stage, and it forced me to come to terms with what was I going to do. My wife was overwhelmed with being a mother, and it was way more than anything that she expected, and so she was sleep-deprived, she was stressed out, she was miserable—she was truly miserable; she was filled with anger and resentment, and, um, you know, she blamed me for—I don't know—getting married. I don't know, but, uh, you know, we had a really good life. I mean, she didn't have to work; we had people come and clean our house; we even had people bringing us food from time to time. Hell, I mean, we had a really nice life; lots of family and friends around; lots of people to provide support. But, um, she could find no, um, no blessing in this experience; she was only focused on the inconvenience and the difficulties that she personally faced. And that made it very clear to me that I had married the wrong person. She had zero resilience; she was filled with resentment and anger.
And I remember for probably a good week or two, as that—that—that idea, that thought, that I was now married to a woman—I had a son before I married her, so I now an 11-year-old son—guess almost 11, 10-year-old son and a newborn baby—that, um, were all dependent on me. And of course, my past—my parents had gotten divorced when I was a teenager—and I had kind of made a vow to myself that I would never do that to my family; I would never go through a divorce; I would marry the right girl; I would not suffer that kind—kind of, uh, pain; I would not put my family through that kind of, um, you know, trauma. And so, on the one hand, I've got this woman who's clearly out of her depth, clearly, um, has made a significant change. She's gone from being this lovely, pleasant, well-balanced, easygoing, beautiful person to this person that I barely recognized. She was angry, filled with resentment, overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, and pissed off about it, and she blamed everyone around her, and then she—and with every new event, she just became more and more angry with other people and even angry with herself, and just depressed and anxious all the time. Nothing I could do could change her behavior, and I tried everything—I tried everything that I could to make her happy, but there was no—no accomplishing that.
So I was faced with the realization that the only person that I could impact here was me. I am the only person who can change me. And since I am in this relationship, I made a decision for myself at that point that I needed to be better; I needed to be the best possible person that I could be. And that decision gave me a sense of—I don't want to say hope, really wasn't as strong as that—but at least a light at the end of the tunnel, like, okay, I am going to use this experience as a way to become better—better—and I did. And I started reading books; I started, you know, going to, you know, therapy with her; I mean, you know, doing anything that we could for me to get a better understanding of the situation and how I played a role in it and what she was doing and how I could behave to impact her behavior. And at the end of the day, I was really most interested about the kids and making sure that their lives were stable and constant and that our life was better. And I think in the back of my mind I was thinking, if I became like the best possible man that I could be, that maybe I could pull her along; maybe she would re-engage; maybe she would, um, you know, uh, find a way out of her personal hell.
She didn't. Seven or eight years later, she started talking to me about divorce. So I think we were like 10 years into our marriage when that came up, and, um, and again I was faced with that same problem, like, what do I do now? You know, now I've got two little girls—I got a 10-year-old girl and a six-year-old girl, as well as my son, who I think was—oh, he was still living with me, but he was in college—what do I do at that point, you know? And so again, I redoubled my efforts. I like, okay, obviously I need to push myself a little bit further because I can get angry, and I can lash out, or I can find a way to make the best of this situation, and so I did. I did. I pushed through it. Fast forward another 10 years, and she—she's ready to do it; she's ready to—to go—to leave, and, um, and she did. You know, she had the—all we had a divorce mediator, so it wasn't financially debilitating. Fortunately, I had been unemployed for about a year, so there was not a lot of income to get from me, and the, uh, my pension money, my 401K money had been spent on supporting us for a while, so yeah, I was not in a good position financially; I was probably at the—the lowest of all—all lows. So she picked the perfect time to leave, 'cause there was nothing to take, and in fact, she even left me with the girls, which I—I appreciate because, um, they were, uh, you know, they were better off with me. I'm glad we didn't have to go through a fight over that; that would have been terrible.
So now here it is, almost six years after she left—I guess it's five and a half, almost six years after she left—and my life has taken off; my life has gone in great directions. I am happier, more fulfilled, more financially stable, um, better relationships, uh, just better in every possible way than I was when I was with her. So on a very deep level, I am very grateful, not only that she left, but that I had to become a better man—all the time thinking I was going to be better for her so that she could re-engage in our relationship and be a better wife and a better mother. But what it ended up doing was making me into a better man, and so that when she did leave and I was relieved of all of the tension and the anxiety that goes with having this crazy person in your life all the time, I, uh, all I had to do is focus on myself, get my life together, get my income together, get my job together, get my business together, grow, um, you know, my life, and of course, you know, help my daughter deal with this whole crazy situation.
In contrast, her life went in a completely different direction. So over these last five and a half, six years, she, um, you know, I guess the first couple years didn't seem to go too badly for her because she had, uh, reconnected with an old boyfriend, and you know, she left him because he was a drug addict, and my daughter called it—I guess she met him at some point, my daughter did—and she came home; she said, "Dad, he's a crackhead." And I said, "Why? No, he's a drug addict. I could tell from a mile away; he's definitely a drug addict." And, uh, "So did you tell your mother?" "Yes, I told her; she doesn't believe me." Well, about a year later, I get a call from my daughter, and she says, "Well, I was right; he's a crackhead." Like, what do you mean? Well, he had to go to the hospital; he had a heart attack; the doctors did some blood chemistry; found out that he's just like, you know, a pharmacy in his body. So whatever he was taking gave him the heart attack, and, um, indeed he was a drug addict. And when I guess my wife—my ex-wife—confronted him with that, he came clean, and she vowed never to see him again. So that was, I guess, two and a half, three years after our relationship ended. She then moved down to Florida and, um, moved in with a friend because her mother had died and her sisters had died, and so she was going through some very tough times emotionally and psychologically, and, um, and her life just collapsed at that point; she just never really pulled it together. She did get a job down there, but she was always missing being up here, and, uh, she, um, thought she had to be near my daughter. She wanted to be—she would say, "I need to be near my girls." I'm thinking, "Man, they stopped being your girls a long time ago; these are young women now; these are independent young women, and they have their own lives, and the last thing they need is some whiny mother hanging around telling them all of her bad stories." But she moved back here and indeed hasn't changed anything; she's still suffering in, you know, emotional, psychological, and it's now manifested into physical elements that are mystery elements—you know, the doctors don't know what's causing it, but she has some definite problems, but they're like—they have no idea what's causing it, and I know exactly what's causing it: it's her state of mind. She's—she's put herself into such a state that her body is literally backfiring on her; she's developing all these autoimmune diseases, and she's just constantly stressed out all the time; she's just completely miserable. I mean, she's even asked me if I would take her back, and of course, there's no way on Earth I would do that. She calls me in her times of crisis, when she's literally at the edge of her sanity, to see if I can help her come back from the—from the edge, and I've done that a few times, but I've told her that I won't do it anymore. I've told her that I'm not—not here for that purpose; I'm her ex-husband; it's not my job to, uh, support her emotionally, financially, or intellectually, or anything else, you know. If she wants to stop by for birthdays and holidays, that's fine, but if she, uh, needs me to be her therapist, I'm just not—it's not cut out for that; that's not my job; it's not—I don't want to be in that position anyway.
There's a moral to this whole story; let's get to it. I think it's important to remember that we all see the world subjectively; we all see it through the lens of our own experience, our own eyes. There is no objective truth in your life; there is only your perspective—your subjective perspective. And that's really important to understand because, on one hand, it can feel a little insecure; it's like, well, how do I know what's right or wrong then if I'm only seeing the world through my eyes? And that's certainly a good argument, but on the other hand, you can change your experience by changing your thoughts and your feelings about the things that you're—are encountering, about the problems that you face. Like early on, I told you about the guys who go to war, and they come back, and they turn into alcoholics and drug addicts because they don't know how to deal with what's going on in their lives. It's being able to deal with the price that we pay—whatever that price is—whatever obstacle or challenge that we face in our lives; it's learning to deal with that that changes your experience; that's how you go from being, um, down and out to being on top of the world, um, after a major event, after something has happened.
So the subjective nature of life means that at the end of the day, the only person who's responsible for your experience is you—you. And that's hard for some people to accept, and it's a gift to others. Doesn't matter which it is to you; it's the same; you got to deal with it; it's just up to you. So there is no one to blame. So for those of you who have gone through a really rough divorce, and you think your wife did this to you—that she did this to you—you are giving her all the power over your emotional and psychological state, and you have none. So just think about—about that for a minute before you push back and you resent it—you say—you John—before you go down that path, you just take responsibility for where you are and what you're doing and where your life is. No, you're not to blame; you are responsible. It's your job to respond to this situation; your job to turn it around; it's your job to turn it into what you want it to be. You have the power. It's your subjective view of the world and the thoughts that you have that change your experience on a day-to-day basis. And you can be one of those guys that comes back from war and turns into a drug addict or an alcoholic, or you can be the guy that has a great life, like my friend. You know, he went on to be the Deputy Under Secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs; he was a Colonel, you know, um, had seven kids, um, traveled the world; you know, he had a fulfilling life; he, um, you know, he was a very special guy to a lot of people, and, uh, and—and, uh, lived a very fulfilling life.
So the opportunity is there, no matter what. You know, getting two Silver Stars and two Bronze Stars—he explained to me how he won some of these Awards or how he was awarded these—these medals—and some of the stuff was graphic; I mean, like—like nightmare stuff—I mean, hardcore nightmare graphic stuff. It just rolls off of him; it's like, you know, "That's the role I was in at the time; it was my job to do it; it's nothing personal; I just did what I had to do; it was either me or them." So, you know, he rationalized it to the place where what he did—the actions he took under those circumstances—were the only choice that he had; it was either that or die. So he made the choice that he had to make. That's where you are right now; you're at a choice; you have a choice right this minute to take action to benefit yourself, to—to help you survive—not just survive, but to thrive.
So when you are going through a difficult thing—divorce, bankruptcy, business failure, career change—it doesn't matter—in this moment, you have the ability to change your thoughts and emotions to create the outcome that you want by becoming the best version of yourself, by seeing this as an opportunity. You can shape the direction of your life to something that's going to be more to your liking. The obstacles and challenges that we face in life are part of the price we pay—just be in here; we all have a price to pay—and these obstacles and challenges—these are the gift that you have as a part of being physical, being in a—in a human body, to being on the planet Earth here and now. So rather than fear them or avoid them or, um, you know, trying to make them less severe, embrace them; make them the source of your energy, your authority, your righteousness; make them the source of your identity. And when you fail, embrace it fully because you will learn far more from your failures than you will ever learn from your victories. Failures are your best teachers. So if you stumble, you don't quite get there this time, just take stock, look around, figure out what happened, how to change it, how to make it better, and do it again and again and again until you reach your goals, until you achieve the victories that you so desire. That is what you get when you change your view, when you just shift your mind just a tiny bit and you change your perspective and you see these things rather than being obstacles and problems and see them as being opportunities and paths forward to the life that you really, really want.
So rather than being upset about your divorce, rather than crying about the money you lost or the house you didn't have, or even—you know, the toughest stuff to me is in divorce when people lose track of their kids; I mean, that—that just is the worst—but there's a path forward here for you; there is a path forward; there are lessons to be learned; there is a way for you to turn this into something that you can, um, be proud of and happy with and, uh, and you can call your own. Um, it just—just takes shifting your perspective just a little bit. All right, you guys, that's all I got for you today. I hope you've enjoyed the video. If you have, please like and subscribe and share it with anyone you know that might be going through a difficult time that might find this helpful. In the meantime, um, stay healthy, and if you can, stay single.