Transcription
Okay, Phil, you and Lars have a wonderful trip, and don't worry about Bess. I'll look after her. Okay, bye-bye.
Phyllis and Laura's taking a trip? Yeah, for a whole month. Oh, where are they going?
Well, she just said that they were going to search for America in the wake of Watergate. Gee, I hope they find it. [Music]
Newsroom?
Yes, just a minute, please. Mr. Graham, it's for you. Your roof repairman.
You stink! You hear that, Carl? Oh, oh, uh, uh, uh, I'm sorry. I didn't know he had a secretary. Yeah, yeah, I'll hold. Hello, Carl? I just left a message with your secretary. Huh? Why weren't you out there yesterday? Well, be sure you get out there today. You can't miss the house. It's the one with the rainbow in the living room.
Can you believe that? Somebody just told me I lost my cue card boy!
Boy, I'm gonna let Lou have it! Yeah, he's in a terrible mood. Oh, wait, he feels a little better. Then I'll let him have it then. How could he let him promote my cue card boy? He's the best cue card boy I ever had!
But, Ted, it's not that hard to hold the cards. You'll find somebody good. I mean, anybody can do it.
Mary, if anybody could do it, I wouldn't have fired the last seven guys at this station alone! I was wondering... one guy moved his finger too fast. This is Ted, back to the news. One guy moved it too slow. This is Ted, back to the news. One guy was a nervous guy. But Harvey, Harvey had the perfect finger.
I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! Yeah, I said I'll get it! Shout out Charlie, the DJ who pays answers column in it all. Isn't this the ready station that gives away all the money? Oh, well, who is it? Oh, all right, I'll tell them. Oh, no, hold on, here he is now. Lou, it's your plumber.
Hello? I'd like to talk to you as soon as you're feeling terrific. Hello? Yeah, when can you come? What am I supposed to do to land? Thanks a lot. You feeling better now? Now I need a plumber for my house. What's wrong?
Ah, my grandson made a wonderful discovery over the weekend. You cannot flush a banana! [Applause]
Mary, try to find me a plumber.
Lou, you want my cue card boy to fix your toilet? What if we can keep him? I can get him to do it.
Boy, you're really having your troubles with that place, huh? Yeah, you know, I really ought to get rid of that house once and for all.
You know, that's a great idea, Mr. Graham. Why don't you just sell it and get an apartment?
Okay, okay, well, you said sell it, I'll sell it. Yeah, but I didn't mean... I mean, you know, I figured you'd sort of think about it, you know, kind of ruminate, and then sort of in the spring, maybe.
What's bothering you?
Well, I don't want to be responsible for changing your life.
Well, then don't go around telling people to sell their houses.
Lou, do you feel any better? Knowledge to everybody, your house.
What do you want, Ted? It's about my cue card boy.
Lou? Oh, yeah, that's right. Mary, hire somebody to do idiot cards for Ted.
Don't call them idiot cards! I resent that! They're called cue cards.
Uh, I'm, I'm sorry, Ted. Mary, hire somebody to do cue cards for the idiot. [Music]
Why would you want purple lips?
Well, to match these, see? Aunt Mary, how would you feel about giving me some slack on my curfew?
Oh, sorry, Bess. Your mother said 10:30 and not a minute later.
But I'm 16 years old!
But, Bess, that has nothing to do with it. Yeah, you're right. Lars is 52 and Phyllis won't let him stay out past 10:30.
I got some lamb chops. I hope you're hungry.
You cooked last night. Why don't you let me handle dinner tonight? Why should you do all the work?
Yeah, right. Okay, you want to handle dinner? Go. Terrific. Good. Thanks, Aunt Mary.
Like plain pizza or pepperoni?
Um, hi, this is Bess Lindstrom. We'd like a plain medium to go. I'm one flight up from my place. Right. Thanks a lot. It's the worst pizza ever, but they get it here in a flash. That's what I call a flash, Mr. Grant.
All right, Mary. All right. Hi, Bess. Hi, Mr. Graham. Come on in. Kids, kids never change. Look at that face, Mary. I bet you were just eating a popsicle, weren't you? Would you like a drink?
Yeah, thanks. Hope you don't mind my stopping by. The real estate agent is showing a house again. I don't want to be there.
Why not?
I'm getting a little tired of him pointing to me and saying, "Try to picture the living room without him."
Where are you?
I don't know. I'm looking for an apartment. Something like this would be real nice. I just want one room. I don't want to rattle around in seven rooms. I want cozy.
Hey, Rhoda's place is empty.
Uh, Bess, uh, it isn't cozy.
I could look at it.
Yeah, but it's locked. It's not cozy, and it's locked, and Phyllis has the key, and she's in Las Vegas, and uh, you certainly don't want to fly all the way to Las Vegas to get the key, do you?
But, Aunt Mary, I'll be glad to go downstairs. I'll bet a deer cannot see you in the kitchen for just a minute. There's something I want to show you how to work.
Okay, Mr. Grant, what I was going to say is, I have an extra key downstairs if you want to look at, uh, yes. [Music]
Somebody wants to show me how to work this. Yes, uh, I'm not sure that you're the right person for me to talk to about this, but even though Mr. Grant and I are really good friends, I just don't want him living one flight above me.
I understand.
You do? You don't think it's crummy of me to keep him from an apartment he might like just because I'm concerned about my privacy?
No, I think everything you do is wonderful.
Boy, yes, maybe you are the right person for me to be talking to about this. He says that I want to keep my home, my home, and the office, the office, you know? Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. Yeah, Bess, no doubt about it, you were the right one for me to talk to. I can tell Mr. Grant I can't find the key.
No, no, I don't want you to lie to him.
Well, then why don't you just tell him you don't want him to move in?
Because I find it very difficult to say no to people I'm close to. Him about my 10:30 curfew? Couldn't. No. [Music]
I'll take it!
You can't just take it if you don't know anything about the apartment. You have to look around first.
Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. I'll take it.
Don't you think it's a little small?
Right. I like small. The smaller the place, the smaller the problems.
But you have seven rooms of furniture.
Well, I can get rid of some of it, and the rest of it I can put on rollers. On rollers? Yeah, that way I can bunch up the stuff I'm not using on that side and wheel what I need to this side. Wheel in the dining room, wheel out the living room.
And you can't live like that!
Why not? You have wheels on your bed.
Wheels? Yeah, wheels. You have them on your bed.
I don't need wheels on my bed, Mr. Grant. I never go anywhere in my bed. Nice storage space, nice kitchen. Did you see the closet space? Did you see how small it is? I mean, Rhoda used to say it's so small that the moths had to sleep standing up.
Mary, I told you I like small. This is great. I'm a single guy living alone. I eat out most of the time. I don't see many people. This is perfect for me. Perfect!
Yeah, Mary, it's not only good for you, it's good for me.
How? How is it good for me?
Let's face it, we both live alone, and this way we don't have to worry about getting lonely. Now, if you get lonely, you can just knock on my door and say, "Hey, you feel like a beer?" And if you're lonely, you can always knock on mine.
There's only one thing that bothers me.
No? What?
Uh, you see me all day at the office. Now, if you have to live next to me, you'd get sick of me.
Oh, Mr. Grant, I wouldn't say that.
Being around me 24 hours a day, you'd get sick of me. Come on, Mr. Grant.
Hey, I'm not the easiest guy to get along with. I can be pretty difficult. In fact, I, I can be a real pain in the neck. You'd get sick of me.
Mr. Grant, I would not get sick of you.
Okay, I'll take it. [Applause] [Music]
Come in.
Hey, Mary, can I see if your TV works? I'm having trouble with mine. I don't know if it's the set or the aerial.
Yeah, sure. How's it going up there? Settling in all right?
Yeah, I really like it up there, although I am thinking of scraping the paint off the walls.
Yeah, I didn't think that was your color.
Oh, it's not that. It's just that I think I can use the extra space. [Applause]
Yeah, your picture's fine. Must be my set. I'll go watch a football game at the bar.
Oh, well, listen, Mr. Grant, if you have something to watch, please stay and watch it here. I have a date anyway.
No, no, I don't think that's a good idea, Mary. I think it's important, uh, with you and me living this close, that we respect each other's privacy as much as possible. I don't want to impose on you.
Oh, but Mr. Grant, come on, you're not imposing. You'll be silly. Watch it.
Oh, all right, if you're sure you don't mind.
I'm sure.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, Mr. Grant.
Hiya.
Hi, Bess. You wanna watch a football game with me?
No, thanks. I like real life better. [Music]
To say good night.
Good night.
Does anybody mind if I stay out for 12?
Yes, your mother minds 10:30.
I'll let her have some fun. Let's compromise. That was 11:30.
Thanks, Mr. Grant. You're an angel. [Music]
Oh, David, I had a terrific evening. Thanks.
So did I. Would you like to come in for some coffee?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, Mary, could I ask you a personal question?
Yeah.
Who's that man sleeping on your couch?
Mr. Grant.
Oh, Mr. Grant. Who's Mr. Grant?
My boss.
What kind of work did you say you do? [Music]
Mr. Grant! Mr. Grant! I can't break it. Yeah, let me try. Mr. Grant! Mr. Grant! Mr. Grant! [Music]
Hi, Mary. Have a nice evening.
Hi. I'm Lou Grant. David Boyd.
Hi.
All right, Mr. Grant, you just punched David!
I did? When he woke you up? Oh, I'm sorry. I must have been dreaming about the war. Where, where did I get you? Just south of Anzio.
Hurry, I, I think I better go home. I had a wonderful time. Thanks.
So did I. Great time. Good night.
Good night.
I'm sorry, it was an accident.
I know, I know it was an accident, but you don't just sneak up on a person who's been in a war, a World War. I once got a medal for being awakened by a German.
Well, it has been 30 years, Mr. Grant. I figured you'd been rehabilitated.
Well, all right, you know, just between you and me, that guy can't take it. Your date's got a glass gut.
I don't want to hear that, Mr. Grant. I want to know what you're doing on my couch at one o'clock in the morning.
Well, you know I always fall asleep watching television.
No, I don't know that! How would I know that?
Okay, well, I always fall asleep watching television. But what you don't seem to realize here, Mr. Grant, is that you ruined my evening.
I don't think I did. I might have ruined his evening. I didn't ask to watch television here. You invited me.
I invited you to watch television, not to fall asleep on my couch! But you know I always fall asleep on the couch in front of the television show.
I don't know that, Mr. Grant. We ought to get something straight. All right, at the office, you're my boss, but here at home, you're not. You understand that?
Sure, I understand. I not only understand, I'm going home. Good.
You know what's wrong, Mary? You make what happened here tonight sound all bad.
I beg your pardon?
All right, you may be annoyed, you may be upset, you may be angry, but tell me this: are you lonely?
Lonely? No, I am not lonely.
There you go. And I'm sick and tired, and I'm being appreciated. Harry, what did you do? How could you make a mistake like that? What mistake? The new cue card boy. Didn't you realize she was a girl?
Yes, Ted, I did. She was quite candid about that during the interview.
But anybody knows it's not a girl's job, and that's why they call it a cue card boy. Give me a break! I really, I didn't get much sleep last night. I'm, I'm very upset, and I'm way behind on my work. I just, I can't cope with it right now. Okay? Oh, yeah, well, maybe Lou would want to talk about it. Good, good, I wish you would do that. Ah, come on, Mary, have a heart! I can't work with a girl cue card boy. That's too thin. I like it bold, 'cause I say it bold.
All right, Ted, I'll ask her to print boldly. And there's, uh, there's something else too. I, I, I don't feel right, you know, when I make certain kind of, uh, jokes during the commercial breaks when the girl's around.
Well, Ted, if you don't feel right, then don't make them.
But I have to! They keep the little people relaxed, keep them sort of loose, you know? I need a loose crew, Mary.
Ted, if you don't have a loose screw, nobody does.
Oh, say, Lou, Lou, what is this? What is this above the letter R? A dot or a circle?
A circle.
You see what I mean, Mary? All right, so it's a circle, not a dot. I want dots over my I's, Mary does. And that's why Ted thinks we need a new cue card person. Ted's the one who has to read the cue cards. If he's not satisfied, there should be a change. He's right.
Why are you staring at me like that, Ted?
I'm trying to figure the angles.
What angle?
Well, I figure you're telling me I'm right so that I'll get happy, then you can make a fool of me. That's it, isn't it?
No, that's not it.
You agree with Ted?
Sure, he agrees with you.
Really does? No, if it's a joke, make a fool of me now. It wouldn't be nice to wait. He really later with me. Mary, has the weather bulletin come in? Why, I have a strange feeling that hell just froze over.
Who is it, Mary?
Mary, who?
Mr. Grant, I have to talk to you.
Mary, we're in the office now. You can't just barge in here like some kind of neighbor. You want to say something, but you're having trouble starting, right? Right. Fine. Starting is always the hard part. Now, would it help you if I started with that help?
I don't know. Yes, it probably would make it a little easier.
All right, I'll start. What, Mr. Grant? You don't really agree with Ted. You're just taking his side because you're upset over what happened at home.
Oh, home? Didn't we agree to separate our home relationship from our office relationship? Yes. And where are we now? In the office. In the office, right? And in the office, we take a pretty dim view of our people hanging out until all hours of the night and then breezing into work whenever they feel like.
Mr. Grant, that's not why I was late. I was late because I was upset over what happened last night, and you know I can't sleep when I'm upset.
I don't know that. [Music]
Well, what is it, Ted?
I was just about gonna tell the guys in the crew how you said I was right about the cue card girl, but then I figured that was the joke, that you'd wait until I told the guys and the crew, and then you'd pull the old rug out from under me. That said, well, I just came to tell you that I'm not falling for it.
Ted, if you'd like to know what's happening here, Mr. Grant is taking you aside because he's upset over something that happened at home.
I know. I'm not buying that, because if that's a joke, that would be the perfect thing to say to convince me that it wasn't.
Mr. Grant, I don't think you and I have anything further to say to each other. I mean, I know that I don't.
Oh, yes, you do. Yes, you do. You want to tell me that you want me to move out of Rhoda's apartment.
Oh, yes, Mr. Grant, I guess I do.
She left because she couldn't keep a straight face, right? [Music]
Come here, Ted. Closer. I'm gonna pretend to be asleep.
Well, I guess that's it. You want to sign here? Yeah, thanks. Thank you. I wish everyone had sense enough to put everything on rollers.
Hi. All set to go?
Mm-hmm.
Well, looks like they got just about everything moved out.
Uh-huh.
The new place all ready to move into?
Uh-huh.
Mr. Grant, couldn't we talk about this?
Uh-uh.
Mr. Grant, I've been trying to talk to you for the last week. You keep mumbling by saying, "No comment," like I was from The Washington Post or something.
There's nothing to talk about. We tried, and it didn't work out. I'm sorry.
There's nothing to be sorry about. Nobody's to blame. That's the way things happen. And you're not angry with me anymore?
Um... [Music]
It was just one of those things, you know? It's hard to leave this place. I'm used to it here.
We were only here for two weeks.
I know, but it seems like three or four. [Music]
Well, we had some good times there, didn't we, Mary?
We sure did. Great times.
Where'd we go wrong, Mary?
Well, I don't know, Mr. Grant. I guess, uh, just wasn't meant to be.
Well, one thing you have to admit about us living next to each other like this: it sure wasn't lonely.
It sure wasn't. You know, Mary, loneliness is vastly underrated.
Goodbye, Mary.
Goodbye, Mr. Grant. [Music]
I'm gonna miss you, Mary.
I'm gonna miss you too. See you in the office tomorrow, right? [Music]
You know, Mary, I was thinking about that business with the cue card girl. You do whatever you want. Never mind about Ted. Thanks, Mr. Grant. I know she's gonna work out just fine. Hey, how's the new apartment?
Oh, terrific! Sure beats living in a house. Yesterday, my grandson came to visit me again. Yeah, tried to flush another banana, and all I had to do was phone for the janitor. Within five minutes, he came upstairs and he brought me a brand-new banana. [Music]
Hi, Lou.
Hi, Mary.
Hi. What are we so happy about, Ted?
Well, I was just telling all the guys in the studio how you took my side over Mary's.
Oh, yeah, Ted, about that...
I knew it! Oh, no, it's just that I knew it, and you're sick! [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]