Transcription
Today's topic is difficult. We often talk about women in the dating world, women that you're married to or were married to. We talk about that stuff. And yeah, it's a problem right now. It's a nightmare that some of you are living. Most of you are living. But it didn't start there. It started actually when you were a boy with the first woman you were ever close to and that's your mom. And that's why today's going to be a little rough, but I'm going to help you understand how these eight things that your moms did set you up for the mess that you're facing right now. So stay tuned. Watch this because I think it's going to help you put the pieces together and understand how you got here and that's the best way to survive it, kind of get out of it. So, welcome back to Far from Eden.
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This lady's name is Katie Morton. I just recently found her. Honestly, I clicked on her video for myself and then I was watching it and I immediately thought of you guys and I could see how the things she was saying completely corresponded to the types of things you face and why so many of you, especially the older ones, were caught completely off guard, didn't realize what the women were capable of or attributed good things to them when you probably shouldn't have trusted them, pleased them.
So, she doesn't obviously take it from that point of view that it's just men because I believe she's a layperson, as am I. By the way, here's my disclosure. I am shockingly not a doctor. Psychologists and people who are taught about psychology do not learn the specifics of how men are affected this way, how women are affected this way because we're just taught, hey, this is how people are. But as you know, or if you're new here, you might not know yet, we're very different. Extremely different. I think actually Jordan Peterson, you know, back when a lot of us respected him, he was making the case that, you know, women are more agreeable, men are, you know, they take risks more, etc. He was pointing out the differences. He still said that we have more in common than we don't. And I at the time thought, okay, yeah, that makes sense. The longer, the more I learn, the longer I do this, the more I'm like, I'm not sure that's true. I think we're almost different species. So that's why it's important to look at these things from the male point of view because nobody does that. Not just for the reason I just said, but also because nobody cares. So, let's get going. I cut out just a little bit of introduction because you guys know what we're going to cover. So, she's going to get right into the eight things, the eight signs that your mom was a narcissist, which is why today I want to talk about the eight signs your mom is a narcissist because knowing can help us better navigate this complicated relationship.
If you're new here, hi, my name is Katie Morton and I'm a licensed therapist. Oh, so she's a licensed therapist. Trust me. Props to her. She sounds like she knows what she's talking about in a lot of ways, but it's been my experience that just because you're a licensed therapist, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. My goal is to help you deal with the ways that your past experiences have impacted your current relationships and life. I want to help you better understand your mental health and guide and support you in that process. If you find these videos helpful, make sure to like and subscribe. It really does help us creators.
Okay, let's get into those eight signs. And I will link this video in the description so that you know, give her full credit and encourage you guys if you're interested in this, think she does a good job, by all means go over there, subscribe to her channel, like her original video. I never want to just like take from creators. I always want to, if I'm going to cover it, I want it to be that there is something else that I can add, not just to rip off somebody's content. I would do that. So, go over and see what Katie has to say. She has tons of other videos.
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And sign number one is that your mother sees you as an extension of her. Meaning, you don't get to do the things that you want. It's more about her having you do the things that she wants or what she maybe wanted to do as a child. Okay? Right away, especially for you young guys, I know that in the last probably 10, 20 years, there's been much more of the moms taking their boys shopping, having their boys, their sons go with them on their female things. I know one who used to take her son on vacations with her because the dad was, they were married, but he was, he didn't want to go. So, it sort of turns the little boy, the son, into like a stand-in. And that's probably not what he wants to do. It doesn't encourage his masculinity. It rewards him for anytime he's feminine. And I'm sure you guys have other examples of ways in which she wanted you to be an extension of her. Now, I, as a woman, of course I do because her activities she wanted to do. Guess what? I did those. That's weird. So I'm so curious to find out from you guys on this number one sign, where you were the extension of her or even a replacement for your dad. There's a whole toxic boy mom thing going around and it reminds me of that. I recently read this book called, I think it's I'm Glad My Mom Died, and in it this woman, she's an actress. She was on iCarly for many years, but she talks about the fact that even being an actress wasn't something that she wanted for herself. It was actually something that her mom had wanted and didn't get to do as a child. Therefore, she tried to live vicariously through her child by forcing her to be a child star and a child actor and making her do all these certain things so that she would be more appealing and would get roles. And that's kind of what this sign is. It's like a parent trying to make their child play a certain sport, do a certain thing, act in a certain way because that's what they want, not what the child wants. A narcissistic parent is never going to ask their child, "Hey, do you like this? Do you feel good when you do it? Do you want to keep doing it?" They're just going to decide for you.
Sign number two is that she can dish out tons of criticism but can't take any of it herself. How many times did your moms criticize you when you were being masculine when you were growing up and say you were rough and tumble, right? You're wanting to be more physical, not wanting to talk as much, you know, share your feelings. Boys don't always want to do that. Of course, you have feelings and you share them your own way, your own time, etc. But how often did your mom criticize you because you probably didn't do things the way a little girl would? That's what came to my mind. But I am sure there are tons of other critiques she gave you and very little that she would take. Now, how would this apply later? I know that some of you got married and never ever felt like you could say a bad word or negative word to your wives about your wives. Meanwhile, it's not the same the other way around. But the reason why you sort of hesitate and you kind of maybe paint it as just it's just my respect for women and I'm a gentleman, blah, blah, blah. I don't think so. I think this is where it comes from. And I think it muzzles you. I think it makes it so you're not allowed to complain. You're not allowed to have any kind of criticism. You're not allowed. It doesn't matter. All that matters is what you do bad and it's okay. She's going to point that out to you and that's fine. But it's not fine. But if you grew up like this, you're going to grow up thinking it's fine, thinking it's normal, thinking that if you have an opinion, if you have a critique, well, you're just you're the narcissist, right? It's you. You're the problem. You're the ungrateful one. You're mean. Oh, she's going to get into it more. Believe me, these signs as they go, I was more and more just like, she is speaking the truth. And it's eerie. And I think that more of us have this than not. And it doesn't matter if it's technically what a narcissist is. It doesn't matter. What matters is none of this is okay. And way too many of us had it. I think particularly the men. I just think particularly the men, but I think it was cloaked in the "I love you." I think that this is at the heart of the toxic mom. And I think the way to kind of understand this is to understand narcissistic personality disorder or NPD. Now, someone with NPD puts on this like fake facade. I like to think of it like a Faberge egg. They're very pretty. They're very decorated. People like them. They can be very charismatic. They put up a good front. However, for those of us on the inside that they're children, we see them fall apart. We see them lash out because once that facade is down or once that facade is in danger, meaning someone kind of points out like, "Hey, maybe you could have done it this way." That facade falls and they like it's like rage. Okay. How many of you had wives like that, too? That when you're out with anyone, out and there's other people around, she's one person. Behind the scenes, she can scream at you. She can be nasty. She doesn't smile. It's a whole different person that nobody else knows. So, God forbid you would say anything to somebody outside of your marriage and they'd be like, "What are you talking about? She's lovely." You can't because then you'd be speaking bad about this angel. And yeah, it's I think a lot of you guys probably have that story, that experience. And it's really because, not that I'm not condoning their behavior at all, but the reason this happens is because that facade helps someone with MPD feel okay and not so under threat all the time because it's usually not 100%, but usually it's born out of trauma. So, they can be very critical of others, but if you at all try to scratch that surface, they can't handle it.
Moving on to sign number three. Or girls you've dated, any girls you've dated that you're like, "Oh, at first she seemed this certain way." And I was like, "Oh, wow. I think I found a good one." And then maybe something didn't go her way. She's in a bad mood. She's had a bad day. Suddenly a whole different personality. And it sounds more like this is that she shares private information about you with others without your permission, especially when doing so would give her something exciting or intriguing to talk about, like makes her look good. Trust me, she is telling her friends private information without your permission. For all the reasons Katie is about to say, and I've heard from a ton of you and also even in that book that I read, I've heard people talk about how their mothers will share like when they started their period, their first boyfriend or girlfriend, or something embarrassing that they caught you doing that is perfectly normal and natural when it comes to development. But when we're going through it, we don't want other people knowing. It'd be like akin to, I don't know, having a wet dream as a young boy or getting your first bra or your period as a girl and you go, you get home and your mom is sitting around with a bunch of her friends and she's telling them about that. Mortifying and also without your permission and a complete overstep of boundaries. There's no care or concern for you or what that could mean to you. None of that. It gives them something to talk about or it could even be to show how good of a parent they are, right? Oh, they took you and they did this thing. It's all to boost them up to make them look good. And that is a big reason why so many of them have these disorders and learning disabilities and all the things. Sure, some of them do actually have those things, but it's a lot of munchausen situations because then the mother's like, "Oh, my child is this, that." And it's also a reason to have a rainbow child because then look what an advocate I am. Look how progressive I am. Look how intelligent. That's what they think it makes them. And so I think it's even more obvious and less covert for the Gen Z guys, the guys in their 20s, basically late teens, 20s. I think it's way more obvious for you guys because you've had all these, "Oh, he's, you know, gluten intolerant and he's got this and." And so they'll share it as a way of like, yeah, but I talked to them and I handled it and went to the store. And it's about them and so they're sharing your personal information as a way to make themselves look good and it can feel really bad.
Sign number four is that she holds basic parental duties over your head. Saying things like, "Do you know how much I gave up for you?" or to think of all the dirty diapers I changed when you were a baby. And this list can go on and on and on. For the boys, the thing I thought about with this is what she's saying, but also you better unload that dishwasher. I know you don't think your wife is going to do that for you. I'm not going to raise any boy to think that a woman is supposed to do all this for him. Did you have a mom like that? And they use things that they did that again, basic parental duties. They're the one that decided to have the child. Children when they're really little need a lot of things, right? They call it like the fourth trimester, that first period when you're first born because you can't fend for yourself at all. It's actually a lot longer before you can fend for yourself. But a narcissistic mother will hold this over your head as if them doing those things means that you are forever indebted. That you have to do everything that they say because they did these basic things. I think that young boys are made to feel like they are forever indebted much more than girls are. What do you guys think? And I'm here to tell you that that's not healthy. Healthy relationships are not built on guilt or feeling like you owe someone. They're built out of joy and love and respect. And when you feel like you owe someone, when you feel like you owe your mother, then you're more likely to excuse female behavior as an adult. I have seen it. I've seen it with men who have had single mothers and the single mother has always made a big deal about her struggle and this and that and the other. And so he feels like he has to, you know, be her defender and not in a healthy way. And so he goes around and he is justifying things, making excuses for things, all in defense of women. But it's not in defense of women. It's in defense of bad behavior and sometimes bad character. And if you want to do something kind for them, you do it because you want to, not because you feel like you owe them forever because they changed your dirty diapers. Because I'm sorry to say that's what deciding to be a parent looks like and it's not the child's fault that you decided to bring them into this world. Don't let that get under your skin. That's just not true. We don't owe someone for doing essentially like the bare minimum. No.
Sign number five. She doesn't respect boundaries. Now, this could be your limits with how long you're going to talk to them or see them. This could even be, again, going back to them sharing information without your permission. That's definitely a boundary crossing. But it could also be what abusive language you won't tolerate. Like let's say you told them, you know, if you say this to me, I'm not going to talk to you. They'll continue to do that. And can you guys laughing right now? Like, oh yeah, I'm going to set these boundaries with any woman. I mean, can you see that? Like, you can't set boundaries like this. If you talk to me that way, I'm going to. You're like, no, no way. She'll bring, she'll rain down H double hawk sticks on me with the full power of the state in whatever way, you know, applies. Or you'll never get a date if you're, you know, out there crazy enough to think that's a good idea. Go ahead. Go ahead and try to set a boundary with a woman and see how well that's going to go. Do you get to set boundaries? No. Does she? Yeah. Yeah, she does. Continue to try to talk to you that way. And so any limits that you put on the relationship, they're not going to approve of them. They're not going to abide by them. They're not going to respect them. And when you pull back as a result to hold that boundary, they will again try to push past it. Or they'll lash out or they'll shame you for respecting yourself. "How dare you do this to your mother? I can't believe that you would say that. You're so disrespectful. You have no idea all the things I've done for you." Right? They'll just and they'll pull out that laundry list and read off all the things that they think you've done that were not okay. Does it remind you of an adult relationship you've had with a woman? And let me know in the comments because I learn the most from you guys. If you were in a relationship and you were unaware because you were just, this is just how you learned things were supposed to be in a relationship with a woman because your first relationship with a woman is with your mom. So how long were you in that relationship with a woman as an adult where you realized, hey, this is a huge double standard? Did you realize it right away and then you were like, "Oh, this is just how it is and so let's go?" Or did you go along in the relationship and then go, "Huh, seems like there's a double standard because it just seems to me that this is the norm and that it is trained in boys as a child?"
When I had Paul Elum on the show, I asked him point blank because this was my hypothesis just from listening to you guys and using my eyeballs basically. I asked him, "Is that the case? Are boys set up for these detrimental relationships because of their relationships with their mothers?" And before I could get those words out of my mouth, Mr. Elum said, "Yes, absolutely." Is what he said. He's right. But I don't think that most men know this. I absolutely don't think they know it. And here's another thing, and I know that this is going to come up as we go through this two-part series. I don't know. We might have to extend the whole mother's thing. But it's difficult, I think, for a lot of you to think of your mothers and be this critical. And I don't mean like negative towards her, but just critically thinking, just evaluating it. You might feel guilty because it's not just that you've been trained to please her, please her, please her, but also I believe it's inherently in you to not be critical of others first. What I have seen is men be overly accountable and try to find the fault in themselves first. And I don't know if that's because that would be easier to fix, right? Because that's yourself. But either way, it's a difficult thing to do to look closely at your relationship with your mom and allow yourself to see these things. It's okay. It doesn't mean you don't love her. It doesn't. You're allowed to look back and analyze this and see how it applies to your life today and see the ways in which it maybe set you up to put yourself on the wrong path. It's more than okay to do that. One of the things that helped me to do that is to realize that.
Oh, I'm sorry for the bad freeze frame, Katie. To realize that it wasn't her fault. I mean, it was, but the thing is is that she had her problems growing up, too. She can make a case about her parents and what they did and the experiences she had. So for me personally, it has helped to go, you know, I think she did the best with what she had. It's difficult to walk that line of not excusing the behavior because I am not excusing the behavior. I am not at all saying it's okay, but it helps. It actually opens the door for you to be able to even look more critically at the situation because you don't, you've taken away the idea that you're doing this to be cruel, to be purposely negative at somebody, to hurt somebody. That's not what you're doing. That's not what you're doing. But you have the right to look at how you were raised and look at your parents and go, you know what? That was not ideal. It wasn't ideal. That was not fair. That was not selfish of her. That so many adjectives, right? You're allowed to think that. And it's possible to still love a person, but also to say, none of that was okay. And what can I learn from that about myself and about my relationships today and about where I'm going from here on out? So, please allow yourself to think about this stuff and know that it doesn't mean that you hate your mother or you don't appreciate the things she did do because it's not like they're all bad. Nobody is saying that. There are certain things my mother did, absolutely hit a home run. I'm like, goodness gracious, thank God for that lesson. There are other things where it's like, good lord. You know, I mean, all eight of these signs, but there are certain things that I'm so grateful that you did. So, you're not throwing it all out. I think that's really important to remember as you do this. And also taking it the other way and just getting really angry and hating her isn't going to help. It's not going to help. That's not why we're doing this. We're doing this for you. And hating her, even resenting her isn't good. That is not a good place for your energy. Just some advice because I want the best for you and that's why I'm going into these types of things because I am a big believer that you get to the root of it and just talking about the symptoms is not going to cure whatever is going on. And they believe we're disrespectful or hurtful to them. And so just know that anybody in our life, not just a narcissistic mother, but anybody in our life that can't respect a boundary. So when we act, remember boundaries are not about the request we put in. We can say, "Hey, I don't like it when you talk to me that way." But the boundaries actually when you do that, if or if you keep talking to me that way, I'm going to have to leave or I'm not going to be able to talk to you as often or I'm not going to see you anymore. And doing that thing, not talking to them, not seeing them anymore, that's the boundary. And if anybody in your life, when you let them know, hey, if you do that, I'm going to do this. And then you do that thing and they get mad or they continue to push past the boundary over and over again. That's not a healthy relationship. It's built on guilt and manipulation and it's incredibly toxic.
Moving on to sign number six. They will constantly tell you that you are remembering things wrong, otherwise known as gaslighting. There's not much for me to say on this one. If you notice I'm quiet, it's because it speaks for itself. You guys had this. Now, this usually pertains to our memory of ways that they upset us or hurt us or things they did that weren't acceptable. Let's say they overstepped a boundary and we bring it up. "Hey, Mom. The reason I'm not talking to you is because you called me an again and I told you if you were going to cuss at me and talk shittily to me, I wasn't going to be able to talk to you anymore. That's why." And they'll say something like, "No, no, no, no, no. You're remembering. That's not what happened. You yelled at me first. You called me names. I was only defending myself, right?" So, they'll flip the script. They'll try to make it seem like they were the ones that were being wounded. They're always, they're very, very comfortable being the martyr or the one that's in pain. "Oh, woe is me." They're not ever comfortable apologizing, accepting responsibility, and allowing us to express what happened. And if we grew up in a situation like this, if our mom was like this, it's most common that we'll find ourselves in other relationships with these same types of patterns. This could lead to us being a people pleaser, right? Apologizing all the time for things that we have no like we didn't have any role in. We're going to say sorry because that's how we were raised. We always just say sorry. It doesn't really matter. Just apologize just to make it stop, right? And so just know that that's not how relationships have to go. That's very unhealthy and a sign that our mom is a narcissist.
Sign number seven is that she's always competing with you. Now, this is probably more true with women in the literal sense, but there are ways this does apply to you guys, and I'll explain as we go. Now, this could mean that she tries to look younger or better than you. She might even flirt with your girlfriends or boyfriends or try to befriend your friends and then talk you to them. Or flirt with your friends and hate your girlfriends. I know. Or she may even want to ensure that she has a better education, job, or just makes more money than you. She will always want to be higher or feel better than you. And if she doesn't, then she'll try to take you down a notch. They can do a lot of this manipulation in order to always feel like they're on top and you're just down below because that's where they're the most comfortable.
And sign number eight, she is always the victim. It doesn't matter what happened or what she did to cause an upset. It will never be her fault. See what I mean? I was like, it doesn't have to necessarily be the narcissist, but these are characteristics that are common amongst us. As your mother, as your girlfriend, as your wife, just goes mother, girlfriend, wife, just it it follows you. So, in a sense, you can see how there are a lot of men who have never had a relationship with a woman that didn't look like this. And when you're taught this as a little boy, your brain is wired like this to think this is how the world works. This is how you have so many men in especially Protestant churches that just bow down to the women. The women are right all the time. They're basically, you know, running the church. The church is, you know, the way women want it to be. Why? Well, we have to make them happy. Happy wife, happy life. That's not your responsibility. It's not. Why would you think it is? This is why. Because in order for her to not be the victim, you have to not be like the perpetrator or what have you. So, if she's like, "Oh, oh my God." Then, "Oh my God, what did I do? Oh, let me be frantic and fix it and apologize." No, you didn't do it. Let her cry. Let her have a tantrum. But men since I would say the middle of the 20th century, according to what I've studied so far, just started to do this. Imagine. Imagine the men coming home, the ones who were lucky enough to do so from World War I in the early 20th century and then World War II in the middle of the 20th century. They're coming home and they feel like they owe the women something. And at some point in that time, they started to think that the happiness of the woman was their responsibility. You know that hasn't always been the case, right? That is not always been the case. That is a new thing and it's sort of the chicken and the egg. Who started it? The mothers or the wives? It's a good question. I'm sure we will get to the answer as this channel continues because I'm learning. I'm learning from you guys. You guys are learning. It's a, it's a, we're all learning together, studying this. You sure can't really learn it from, you know, a college course. No, because they don't, they don't want the truth out there. They don't even want you to know that men are men and women are women. Unless you want to say that all men are bad, then we're different. But otherwise, no. Oh God, it will never be her fault. I love that. Probably have to put that on the thumbnail. And she will always blame everyone else. And this kind of goes hand in hand with the inability to apologize for anything that she's done. She always thinks that she's the one that was hurt and will flip things around. Hence, like gaslighting. You can see how all these signs kind of lead to this one, which is really the crux of narcissism is that they're always the one that's in pain. They're the victim. We should feel so bad for them. How dare we do X, Y, or Z without taking any recognition, any responsibility for their role in what happened? And growing up in that kind of situation can make us think that we're always the one that's at fault, right? Because that's what we were told. And so, we will always apologize because we are never going to get an apology from them. And I know this sucks to say, but we can't wait for them to apologize in order to move on. Did you hear that, guys? We can't wait for them to apologize in order to move on. They're not going to stop wanting it. Especially stop needing it. It doesn't matter if they're sorry or if they're not sorry. If it's not your fault, it's not your fault. And it's their problem if they can't realize it. Their problem, it's not your problem. I know it hurts. I know how big your hearts are and I know it hurts. But at some point in time, you have to come to the realization that they're not capable. And just because they're not capable means it's okay. It means you dust your feet off and you go, "They're not capable." And in that moment, it's going to create distance between you and the woman, whoever she is. It's going to create distance. That distance is not your responsibility to to build a bridge. You can't. If she's incapable of that for whatever reason, you can't make up for it. And I see so many men, you know, driving themselves insane, trying to make up for what she is unwilling or incapable or whatever to give. And I know a lot of you are like, well, that's just common decency. Yeah, but it doesn't mean she can do it. It doesn't mean it's common. You have to be able to walk away. Now, I'm not saying to leave marriages where there are children. I understand that. But your heart might have to walk away while your feet are still there. That's giving them too much power. We don't have to wait for an apology from someone else in order to move on. And all these signs can cause us to be anxious, a perfectionist, or struggle with all sorts of other mental health issues. And men, what do you guys do about it? You work harder. You try harder. You're driving yourselves insane. You're working yourselves to death to make up for not being good enough. I'm here to say that you are good enough. You are definitely good enough. You're more than good enough. And so these women that behave like this do not define you. And you might think, well, how come it's all of them, so it must be true? No. No. No, it's not. Am I saying you're perfect? No. None of us are perfect. None of us. But these people do not get to decide what your worth, what your value is. They don't get to decide. And if they are like treating you like you're not good enough, doesn't matter. They are not the judge of that. And men have been trained to believe they are because of mothers that act like this. We can even find ourselves dating or having friends that are just like her, which is why it's so incredibly important that we notice these signs and find ways to heal from the damage. So, let's jump into a few ways that we can heal.
Okay, that is what we are going to talk about on part two because when I watched that, I definitely thought, okay, this part, especially the healing part, especially I need to add to even more than I did these eight signs. I need to add to how men can heal because you guys are different. You're definitely different. And there are just things she says that are valid. They're good, but they're very general. And she's a woman, so it's coming from that perspective. And in her defense, most women don't know. They don't know how different men are. They just don't know. We've never been taught. We've always been taught otherwise that you, you don't feel as much about this. She'd probably deny that, but I would venture to guess that she still doesn't know how big your hearts are because this has blown me away. And the more I get to know from you guys and read your emails and your comments, and I've talked to a lot of women. I've heard a lot of women's stories and I don't hate women, obviously. But men have huge hearts and a huge capacity to love and therefore a huge capacity to be hurt. But if they cry, they're weak. Oh, share your feelings and everything, but if you cry, you're weak. You can't win no matter what you do. So nobody really, women especially don't know a man's heart and therefore how can you explain like how to heal and what roadblocks there may be in that healing from the society you're faced with, the particular battles you're faced with, and the particular way you see the world and the way that you were created because you were created in the image of thought. And I think when you're being beaten down all the time, it's hard to remember that. When you're working yourself so hard and there's just battle after battle, it's difficult to remember. So, we're going to talk about the healing part of it next time. That'll be on tomorrow's show. So, in the meantime, I hope that this has helped. Certainly was not trying to make anything worse, traumatize you any further, but I just hope that it helps, and I hope that you protect your peace, feed your souls. I love you guys, and I'll see you on the next one. Bye.
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