Transcription
For the next few minutes, don't multitask. So, if you got tabs open, close them. If you're half listening, come all the way in. You don't need notes yet. I just want you to be present. So, the goal here is practical clarity. And I mean the clarity that shows up or holds up when decisions and outcomes are high stakes, when everything matters and there's not a whole lot of room for confusion.
If you look at all the high stakes environments around the world, especially the ones I've been in myself, things don't fall apart with a big fight. It's not Jerry Springer. And what actually happens is a whole lot quieter. And at some point the space tightens up and people get super careful with language and you can kind of watch the shift. And when they get careful with language options that were totally on the table without anyone saying it completely stop getting entertained completely. And nobody announces the shift like that. It just, it just happens. But once that happens, the conversation doesn't need what we think it needs, which is more energy. I need to put more time, more effort, more energy into the conversation. And that's the default solution for most people. What it needs is more accuracy.
Let me just show you what I mean. If I say, "We need to talk about this." This space stays open. If I say you and I need to deal with this issue, it narrows down. Options get narrowed down. If I say we need to address a safety concern, then everything changes, same topic, way different behavior on the other end of that. So what shifted is that certain responses to what I just said just instantly stopped making sense into your mind. This is not persuasion. What we're learning here is how to structure reality. How to structure not your language per se, but something else. So either way, from here on out, we're going to be working at that level where situations organize behavior before anybody starts debating any kind of content.
Here's the first thing that you need, and you need it as early as possible as I can get it into what we're talking about tonight. Whoever decides what kind of thing this is controls everything downstream. It's not because the person is right or they were proven right or they're smarter or anything like that. It's just because our behavior organizes itself around that first decision. And before you call it a frame in your mind just to get feel like you have got something figured out, it's not a frame. We're going to get into that. Just delete that from your mind just for a minute. So that decision usually happens very fast in a room and it happens early on in a conversation. But once that decision lands, if you're sitting there arguing details, it's already ridiculous because all of your argument is showing up after the party's over. But I want you to notice how each one of these quietly decides what's going to be allowed next.
So if I'm in a work or leadership context, I might say, "Let's treat this as a coordination issue." Or I might say, "It's obvious this is a coordination issue. Everything after that moves toward alignment instead of blame because I'm treating everything like coordinating. What I did was make speed look suspicious instead of impressive because some people feel that speed is impressive and nothing of what I said argues anything. They just decide the room, the energy, the field, whatever you want to call it. And once it's decided, people do the rest themselves. But in every example that I just gave you, the words didn't persuade or influence. It was not the words doing the job. This is not about linguistics at all. This is about categories. So what your words really did is not influence anybody. They sorted out the situation. They helped decide which box the situation is going to go into. And once it was sorted, the behavior lines up automatically. Nobody has to ask it to do anything.
And I want to talk about how to collapse a frame. A frame decides context before content. That's what a frame does. A frame sets tempo, emotional range, what sounds appropriate, what makes somebody sound reckless, and what behaviors feel allowed in the situation. So once a frame lands, behavior organizes itself around the frame. If you said the frame, persuasion is not your job anymore. But let's talk about how to install a frame first. So the method essentially here is the first name wins. So whoever names the situation first usually controls it. And this is because the nervous system, it's universal, prefers early structure. So if you want to install a frame, you just follow these four steps. Number one is name it very early. Name it calmly. Name it without justification. and name it like it was obvious all along. The more boring it sounds, the stronger the frame is. Always remember, if I'm calling attention with flowery langu language to the frame, it's automatically I'm putting it up on a platter to see if somebody can reject it. So, you might start a conversation with, let's treat this as a coordination issue, or this is a safety conversation. This is a learning moment. This is about stability. All those things that we just talked about. This is about alignment. You're not arguing. you're deciding what room you're in.
But after you install a frame, let me just walk through what is going to change. Once a frame lands, first thing that happens is objections reclassify themselves. So any any objection to what's going on or what you're saying is going to reclassify itself in the moment instantly of like what's allowed, what's not. The second thing that happens is the tone adjusts the tone, the behavior in the room without anybody saying anything. So, we're setting operating conditions. There's no secret phrases that you need to know. There's no linguistics. We're just defining the situation as early as possible.
There's a second weapon that I want to give you, and this is how to defang a frame. And I say fang as like Dracula vampire fangs. And this would be meta exposure. If someone else installs a hostile frame, you do not argue inside of it. Never ever argue inside of someone else's frame. That is hard rule that should never be violated especially by an author. You surface their frame instead of arguing inside of it. So the moment that that person's frame becomes visible, it loses automation. So the only rule here, there's the the biggest rule of and you just burn this into your mind. Never attack content. You always attack context. So just kind of burn this into your mind. If you're arguing content, you're validating the frame.
So, here's the way to defang a frame, and it's four steps. First is distance the frame from the person. You don't say, "Oh, I see how you're doing this thing, and it's really shitty that you're doing that." So, we're pulling it away from the person. We make it a common pattern. It's not their thing. It's just a common thing that happens. Not a common thing that people do while we're pointing at them. It's a common thing that happens. It's away from them. Next is naming the structure. We name the structure. So we distance it from the person, then we name the structure. So it's frame, behavior, outcome. Next, we're going to externalize the consequences. And we're going to let the patterns do all the arguing, all the patterns. And finally, and this is the biggest part, is offer an exit. We offer an exit without replacing the frame yet. So, we're letting them get onto the the exit ramp before we give them a new on-ramp to come onto. Then that's the exit there.
So, if it's a conflict scenario, I'm going to go through those same four steps. I might say something like, I think we're sliding into a win-lose posture here. So, remember, step one is distance from that human. You might say, you know, there's a really common pattern that shows up in conversations like this. Step two, name the structure. They just start to organize themselves like a power struggle. Step three, externalize the consequences. And I mean, you see it everywhere. Once that happens, everything escalates and nobody actually feels heard or feels better. Then we offer the exit. I just want us to step out of that pattern for a second. We're changing the altitude of what's going on. We're we're pulling up and showing them a higher altitude. And this is defanging.
So frames are automatic. So this person is not doing this consciously. They're not consciously doing all this stuff. We're calling the unconscious into conscious awareness. So frames are automatic until they are observed. Once observed, they require attention and maintenance and consideration, which they never required if they're in the unconscious. So what happens? It's going to collapse. When you use this method, it's going to collapse because that person doesn't know how to consciously control it. So relief shows up first and then thinking comes back.
So the next weapon is frame replacement. By the way, none of this is in this book. None. But it all is if you take 10 years and dissect it. So now we have frame replacement. And this is kind of just a soft substitution. So we're not really replacing a frame immediately. We're letting the old one kind of die off. And then we're offering a quieter, a little safer alternative. So what if we took a war discussion and turned it into coordination? It's a small move and it's kind of soft. What if we took something that somebody thought was a threat and we changed it to risk. Or if we took conflict and turned it into misunderstanding. Or if you take an emergency, what are you allowed to do in an emergency? Anything you want, right? Anything goes. I've got to kill this guy. I've got to win the case. I've got to do whatever. Take an emergency and turn it into a process.
So, here's the biggest mistake that you will probably make, even though I'm going to tell you not to do it. You are probably going to sell the new frame. You're going to try to sell it. You're going to try to convince somebody to adopt the idea. But what you should be doing is you let it feel like the only reasonable option. So what I want you to watch out for is overexplaining, sounding clever, maybe moralizing this thing, or rushing the exit, like pushing them harder toward the exit. And then biggest of all, which would be number five, is needing to win. But I want you to notice across every example, no arguments were won or lost. Not one fact, not one fact was added by me and zero authority was asserted. None. No authority. So the room changed first and everything else followed after that.
So frames control tempo and behavior. Categories control permission and meaning. So, let me reword that. Frames decide how we move. Categories decide what is allowed.
Next, we're going to stop the structures from getting too loose. Let's start locking things down. That's where outcomes stop being negotiable. I know this probably in what you plan to watch right this second, but if you give me a minute, this might be one of the most useful things that you will ever hear. Most people in your life that you know are listening to just words, but behavior doesn't come from words. It comes from what's underneath all of those words.
At NCI level 2, you're going to start seeing that layer. All of the motives, the incentives, the drivers, pressure, all the stress and deception. You don't just hear what somebody says. You understand why they're saying it. And you can predict behavior before it happens. you can spot what's real and what isn't and that changes every interaction you have. I have seen this change thousands of lives and I feel compelled to tell you about it. I at least want you to check it out. So once you see this level of reality, you're not going to go back. This is NCI level two. The link is right down there in the description. Let's get back to the video.
But I want you to know what a category really is. Up until right now, we've been loosening stuff up. kind of loosening what's going on or redefining something, slowing the room down, collapsing some hostile frame, restoring options to people. That's defense. So, I want to switch direction here. And there's a point where you you don't want openness. You want closure. So, a category, what this whole book is about categories, is not a label. A category is a permission package for a human brain. The moment that a category lands, some behaviors feel justified. Some objections sound immoral and make you feel like a bad person. Some questions feel inappropriate. Some people all of a sudden because they're new categories, they sound reckless. So categories decide.
So the big rule that matters here when we're talking about these categories and c and putting people into categories and situations into categories 100% of arguments happen inside of categories. There is no exception to this. So if I decide what kind of thing this is, your opinions are just little decorations. It doesn't matter anymore. So you can argue forever and still lose because the decision already happened upstream of your argument. That's what I mean by this. This exact process right here is how I win. I have like a 100% win rate in trial consulting.
So the the first weapon I want to give you when it comes to categories is how to lock down a category. And we're basically engineering someone's permission here. So, our goal is it to convince anybody of anything. Hopefully, you know better by now. We're not convincing. The goal is to authorize behavior so it enforces itself. This starts with understanding and compartmentalizing in your brain. Like this is the one thing I'll tell you. You've got to memorize this this idea this concept of these highlevel categories and you got to use these pretty carefully. So each of these little categories comes with builtin permissions. If I trigger safety, obedience feels ethical, delay feels dangerous, and dissent or disagreement is reckless. It's automated. I'm automating human behavior. They just justify instantaneously. So that's just understanding that that general.
So how do we install a category? So category lockdown works when it is four things. early, calm, boring, and uncontested. Just those four things. So, you're not announcing it. You're just placing it like you're setting something on a table. It's boring. It's uncontested. It's just right there. And some example statements that you might use here is this is obviously a safety issue or this is 100% about professional standards or this conversation is all about prevention or risk management is our number one goal here and I think you would agree that nothing's more important than that.
If we get a category kind of put into the conversation we want to shield it. We want to do category shielding. This is the next weapon here and it I think it's a pretty logical next step. So this is kind of moral immunity through category. So once something lives inside the right category, criticism sounds utterly and absolutely insane. And just think about this. I want you to think about this. I want you to think about this shift that can happen. If we're inside of safety, criticism equals recklessness. If we're inside care, criticism is cruelty. If we're inside of talking about expert guidance or receiving expert guidance from somebody, now your criticism is just ignorance. If what we're doing is inside of a conversation that I've categorized as professionalism, criticism is just immaturity. The category defends itself. You don't have to defend it.
There's one dark part of this that I wasn't going to go into, but I'm going to I'm just going to do it. But let me I got to set your brain up for this if you give me a minute to do that. The human system hates ambiguity. Our brains are nauseated and allergic to ambiguity, especially when we need answers. Ambiguity costs mental energy. Our brain's job is to preserve it, right? What saves energy the fastest in the brain? When the brain knows what category it can operate in, it doesn't have to think anymore. So when a category lands, the system rewards itself with relief. Relief feels like truth. This is why people defend categories even when evidence contradicts them. Like the cult that says the UFO is going to come pick us all up on December 9th, 2023, and it never shows up.
So I want you to know category control. It fails the moment that you're moralizing, you're rushing, you're trying to sound clever, you corner someone's identity like an idiot. And then what does that automatically do is the next thing is blocking all the exits so they can't get out of their thing without saving face. When people feel trapped, they do not comply. What do you have when people feel trapped? It's revolt. It's the same with a a freaking hamster in a hamster cage or a cat. They revolt. If you're doing clean work in categories, you're preserving dignity. You're allowing exits. And it should feel obvious instead of forced to the other person.
So, you do not win arguments or debates or discussions or negotiations by having better facts. And every attorney in the world will tell you that I'm an idiot for saying that. So would you rather win an argument or win an outcome? We want to win outcomes. Attorneys want to win arguments. That's the difference. And you win the outcome by deciding what kind of reality people are standing in. So once the category hardens, once it become turns into wood, the debate is over already.
So we talked about frames. Frames decide how we move. Categories decide what's allowed. But what is it that tells us who we can be inside of a reality? So, up to now, we've been working outside of the other person. Frames are dictating the room. Categories are dictating the rules or what's allowed in the situation. That's powerful, but those are temporary. What I just talked about is temporary because the most durable control is not about the conversation or the room. It's it lives in somebody who believes that they're inside of that area. So most people think identity is a set of traits. We've dispelled this probably ad nauseium in grad school. It's not a set of traits. It's a metaphor that turned into a hard object. That's what it is. And once identity hardens, behavior is automatic.
So a metaphor, we've done a bunch of grad school lectures about metaphor. highly encourage you especially with this as priming in your brain for this week. I want you to permanently divorce the idea of metaphor as linguistic tool in your mind permanently. Metaphor is not linguistic. It has nothing to do with language. I want you to get rid of that idea. Metaphors are somatic. It is a somatic tool. I uh don't care about like oh it uses words. I don't give a and you hear these metaphors all the time and your brain didn't fully process that there's a metaphor going on. You hear these people say, "Oh, I'm a fighter. I'm broken. I'm behind. I'm the responsible one. I'm not that kind of person. I have to be in control. I can't let my guard down." You think that's a metaphor? I can't let my guard down. Think about it. What is a guard? What is that phrase coming from? Fighting, right? Our identity is a metaphor. Metaphors are constraints. So each one of these things, if you keep saying that about yourself, you're going to live that life.
So you're not removing a person's identity metaphors. What you want to do is supersede the metaphor. Leave that one in. Make something stronger. So if you negate identity, you trigger defense. I create alter egos literally for a living. So please take my word on this. If you negate identity, you trigger defense. If you attack identity, you're going to get them to entrench themselves, to dig their heels in. If you're a good operator, you're a good author, you will never ever say any words even remotely resembling the following sentence. You're wrong about yourself. You will never say anything like that for the rest of your life. A good operator, good author says, there's maybe a better way to describe what's going on. And I want you to understand the unbelievably huge chasm between those two things.
So here's how to do the metaphor swap. And this is the identity suppression weapon. You keep dignity and you add movement. That's what all we're going to do. So the way to do this cleanly is to preserve the person's status. Are we going to question their intent as if they have bad or good intent? Nope. We want to preserve the intent, but we want to change the metaphor underneath those things. So, never negate an identity. Only offer a more accurate organizing metaphor that makes the old one irrelevant. That was a really run-on sentence, but that's the best I could do.
Here's the rule of thumb, and I want you to fully memorize this. This is very important. If the person, the other person ever, ever, ever, has to internally say, "No, I'm not," you're done and you will not get what you want. So the old examples that you might have heard are you're not angry, you're just protective. What's the first thing I did right there? I negated identity. I negated what someone was identifying with. So what actually happens internally is identity is challenged. There's a micro defense. Then the person that's hearing you evaluates you instead of the metaphor. Now you're the one being evaluated, not the words. So even when the reframe is really badass and really good, the not creates friction.
So if somebody's broken, there's a process, right? How do we want to go from like somebody is broken to saying that they're just overloaded? You might say something like, you know, I think a lot of people would look at this and assume that something's wrong with them, but if you zoom out for just a second, you're carrying way more than anybody would be expected to carry cleanly. This looks like overload, not damage to me. We're naming a function, which is the load. We leave their dignity intact, and there's no negotiation.
Let's say somebody's uh pissed off. They're angry, but we want to reframe that into being protective. Are we going to say, "I don't think you're really angry here." You might say, "You know what I'm seeing here isn't just random emotion. It looks like something you care about feels exposed and your system stepped in to guard it." And that is protection, showing up really quick when it's needed. So, we're moving through that meaning instead of against it. We're framing emotion, what they're doing, as intelligent, and we're preserving their status. It names function, not a trait. I want you to write that one down. What you're naming is a function, not a trait. That's the trick. And that's the trick for all of these. We're naming the function of what's happening instead of traits of what people are doing.
So just as an example of naming function instead of trait, you might say something like, you know, that reaction makes sense as a protected move. No traits. Or you might say, you know, that behavior makes sense with somebody that has a system that's under a whole lot of stress. Or you might say, that's what I think that's what stabilization is supposed to look like under pressure. If you name a function, identity reorganizes on its own.
So, here's a simple check that you can run live in real time. This is exactly what I teach these like crazy attorneys to do and most of my income comes from trial consulting. So, before you reframe anything, ask yourself, does this sentence require the person to abandon something or does it give them a better place to stand? So, anything that requires abandonment has to have a rewrite. Anytime we're changing identity or container, we're changing what action means. That's all we're doing.
There's one more weapon here that called a metaphor trap. If they defend who they are, then you have caused yourself to lose all leverage. So, it should feel if you're doing this metaphor stuff cleanly, it should feel optional, respectful, and accurate. If it feels optional, it sticks.
So, frames decide the room, categories decide what's allowed, metaphors decide who you can be. Then now we kind of collapse all this because none of this matters unless you can run it in sequence under pressure without thinking. So we've pulled apart three things so far. We've pulled apart frames, how situations get momentum. We pulled apart categories. This is how permission gets frozen in place. And then we pulled out these metaphors and this is how identity gets organized. So none of these live on their own. They run in sequence. It's this sequence what we talk about tonight. They're in that order every time. So this is the loop in my estimation. This is the way that reality gets decided before anybody thinks that they're deciding in anything at all.
So step one is set the altitude. Every interaction that you're going to have starts at some kind of height. Some conversations start low as hell. They're emotional, urgent, reactive, personal, maybe nasty, contested. But other conversations are going to start way too high. Maybe they're too calm, abstract, procedural, clinical, sterile, slow, oatmeal, boring as whatever you want to call it. So, whoever controls altitude controls tempo. That's why the first move you will make is never ever ever ever about content. This is where conversation is happening from. So, if somebody's hot, you're not diving in. You're rising up. You're slowing the pace down. You're widening the view. You name the structure instead of responding to the pressure. There's they're giving you pressure. And that doesn't matter.
So step two is just to name the frame. So once altitude stable, the next move is just context frame. You decide what kind of situation it is. And you do it casually. You do it early and like it was obvious all along. like this is clearly a coordination issue or this is obviously we want to have this conversation because we're talking about stability and this is all about stability or this is a learning moment. Once the frame lands behavior is going to reorganize.
So step three lock the category down when needed when you need to uh which you'll probably be doing a lot more of this a lot a lot of this lockdown. So you need to know that frames loosen things categories freeze them and when you need movement you do defang. When you need alignment, you lock. So that should hopefully make sense. If that wasn't too weird sounding. If you want somebody to move, you're defanging. So you're kind of change shifting their behavior. If you need alignment with you, you lock in a frame. So once a category hardens, objections reclassify themsel. Hesitation's immoral, resistance is reckless, you don't force anything.
So then we move to step four. And step four is shape identity through metaphor. And this is where you kind of bring in the final ending here. You're pointing to function instead of character. Function, not character. Describing the pattern under the behavior until the old label they were using doesn't make sense anymore.
Step five, shut up. This is the part that most people ruin because you're not comfortable with silence yet. So, you just stop talking. Silence lets the person's brain finish the job.
So, here's the part I didn't tell you. The sequence that I just described, I've been running it on you since the beginning of this. If you think back to the beginning of the lecture tonight, I didn't argue. I slowed the entire room down. I set the tone. I framed what kind of space this is and what tonight was going to be. I constrained what counted as reasonable. And I offered identities that you could inhabit without friction. That was the sequence. If influence is really clean, it will never ever feel like force. And someone could videotape you and not be able to see what's going on. That's the truth.
And this loop is running everywhere. No matter what, meetings, relationships, culture, crisis, whatever, most people don't see it. So what do most people do? They argue conclusions while somebody else decides the context. They debate facts while somebody else controls permission. They fight outcomes while somebody else is shaping identity. So once you can see this, you don't get to pretend it's not happening anymore. You're responsible for how you use it. Of course, you could stabilize or escalate. You could destabilize somebody. You could run somebody into the ground, which I hope you never do. But to create alignment or enforce compliance is how I hope you start using this this week.
So the final big tattoo I want to put on your conscious mind is never argue inside a reality that you did not choose. So if something feels heated, check the altitude. If something feels really frozen, check the category. If something feels super stuck, listen for the metaphor, the identity. And if you ever feel completely certain, that's the moment to ask, "What structure am I standing in right now?" The moment you feel certain, that's when you should be asking, "What structure am I standing in?"
I want to be straight with you really quick. NCI level 4, which is called grad school, it's my life's work. 20 years in the Navy. Every hour of research, every program that I've ever built in my life, the entire NCI system all leads here. This is the reason Dr. Phil called me the best in the world at what I do. It's why you've seen me on pretty much every podcast on the planet. It all comes from this.
Think about the last time you walked into a room where you were outmatched, outranked. The other side had lawyers and leverage and pretty much every structural advantage and you sat there knowing that you were about to get handled and there was nothing you could do about it. You felt it before anybody even opened their mouth. NCI4 flips that permanently. You're going to learn the most advanced methods in the world. I guarantee it. with influence formulas that stack multiple techniques and sequences to produce outcomes most people wouldn't even believe are possible.
The world is breathing. A fragile sound. No echoes here on sacred ground. A quiet pose, a steady beat. The truth we feel in simple heat. Bare footsteps on hollowed ground. A sacred rhythm we have found. The world just breathes and I can feel it. A perfect promise. Can't conceal it. Just shadows leaning on the light. Another beautiful quiet night. The past is gone, but we remain washing over all the pain. A simple truth, a feeling pure, a soft connection to endure. Oh. Oh. The world just breathes and I can feel it. A perfect promise. Can't conceal it. Just shadows leaning on the light. Another beautiful quiet night. It's quiet night. What means from it? And the world just breathes.