Transcription
I would actually go a step further with with valid. You know how critical validation is. It sounds like controversial. I I see that. But I think it is more important than love. I think you cannot have true love in the absence of having been and having consistently been validated. Not being validated. Yeah.
I mean, if you if you've been if there's not enough if there isn't validation in the relationship, it's hard to feel loved because if you don't feel accepted or seen, what does the person love? So, love is not enough. No, you can love a facade, but that doesn't feel good. I can, you know, create all these stories about myself and, you know, filter this and filter that and get all sorts of likes and praise, which is a positive judgment. Praise says uh I like how you look or I like how you perform. Validation says I accept you independent of how you look or perform. Okay.
In the absence of feeling seen, feeling accepted, it's hard to feel deeply loved. We don't I mean we haven't been vulnerable. We haven't shown ourselves or we have and the other person has been like, "Whoa, that's weird." And we shut that down. Yeah. Right. And so they love the parts of us that we've shown or dressed up, but perhaps not the entirety of who we are.
I'm curious if you have behaviors that are not verbal to validate someone, whether it be mimicking or copying. Is that a way to someone to be more attracted to you? Yeah. So the the research on on attraction uh is often with copying. So, we are more attracted to people who uh copy us, which is like just if you're going on a a first date, always try to copy more. Always try to. Right. So, don't do the opposite of what they're doing. Right. Right. Right. Right. But like don't be, you know, again, I I as I said before, I give myself just this little cue, copy. That's it. Because if I'm like really dialed in on it, it gets awkward. Too much. It's too much. You're shifting when they're shifting constantly. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. That's right. But again, we're naturally wired to do this. Uh-huh. And so if you just kind of remember it in a moment, that's sufficient. Yeah.
I mean, when you see someone smile, you tend to smile back. Yeah. You know, it's like it's just a quick mimic. You see someone walk at you, unless you're like guarded that day and you're like, "Don't look at me." But if you have an open, relaxed state of being. That's right. You're more willing to smile when someone smiles at you, a quick gesture. Right. That's right. That's right. It's We see it as almost a common courtesy. Yeah. But it is at a deeper level and when it's used more intentionally to kind of establish connection it can be used in those ways.
So after attending and then copying what would be the next level of validation. Yeah. The next level up is to say h is to show some degree of understanding right and usually this is like logical understanding cognitive understanding. I can see how you got there. Right? And there's a couple skills here. You can do the uh anyone in your shoes would feel that way, right? Like anyone in your shoes would be um probably anxious about this set coming together. That's interesting. Last minute. Yeah. Yeah. As opposed to saying I can understand where you're coming from. You'd say anyone in your shoes. Is that what you can do? Anywhere in your shoes. A way more effective way to do it is like oh my god. Yes. I would be so anxious to like me too. uh this if you think about going to a doctor and them saying like um if you're like yeah I don't know I think I might I don't know if I should get a second opinion you should absolutely get a second opinion if it was my child that's what I would do right we're like yummy that feels good right there's this sense of like okay I'm I I'm valid what I'm thinking is valid it's reasonable I'm not being dramatic I'm not being x y or z that's kind of what um what these understanding skills communicate.
One of them happens to double as a Jedi mind trick. I've just got to worry about what's that? Proposing. What's proposing? Proposing is when, you know, I was playing that little game in my head earlier where I'm trying to figure out like, you know, what are you what are you thinking? Why does this matter to you? I don't answer. I don't I don't actually communicate any of that. This is all just in my head to keep me engaged. But if I come up with some stuff, I can throw it out there and see what sticks. I can propose something. you haven't said. All right. It's also known as like mind readading. Can you give me an example? How do we mind readad someone? Um, you know, a great example was actually an interview with um Oprah and um Megan Markle. Markle. Yeah. And Megan Markle is describing, you know, this this life of being in front of the the paparazzi um and feeling like she couldn't be her true self. And then she's she's obviously kind of pained and shamed about having not stood up for herself. And um she looks at Oprah and she says, "I I I just I was silent throughout this experience. I just I was just silent." And then Oprah being Oprah says, "Were you silent or were you silenced?" Boom. Oprah effect. Right. That's proposing. That's articulating something the person hasn't said. And if you're really good, if you really nail it, perhaps you facilitate an insight that they didn't even have. And you might be wrong, but if you're feeling it and you throw out, okay, what about this, this, or this, maybe your intuition picks up on one of them, and it's like, oh my god, you understand me. You're reading my mind.
So, this is such a critical point. I'm glad you dialed in on that because I can't emphasize enough. These are skills. All right. And to develop any skill, you've got to strike out, right? Usually you, if it's, you know, a skill for like a sport or something, you're getting coaching on the side. As therapists, I'm getting a lot of coaching on the side. And you're just taking that feedback in to sharpen those skills. But with this stuff, we tend to really internalize the feedback and get shut down or feel rejected or like, "Oh god, I'm just going to make things worse." And that is a mistake. You have to look at these things as skills that you develop. And you're right, you strike out, you get some feedback. Oprah strikes out all the freaking time. It's amazing. Like, go watch these and she's throw things out and it's just like, "No, I wasn't scared. I was humiliated." You know, and she's like, "Humiliated." She goes back down the ladder copying humiliated. Hm. What was humiliating about it? Attending. She gets more information. She gets more. Then she tries again. Doesn't stick. She drops down that ladder, starts back with just being mindful, and then tries again. Mhm. Yeah.
You got to attend. The mindfulness is about attending and copying, right? It's like, how can I be present with you is what I'm hearing you say? Yeah. Be curious. How can I focus on you rather than think about myself for what I'm going through or what I want to say in this moment? That's right. Yeah. How do I not How do I be curious and continue to follow up with asking questions as opposed to acting like I'm smart and having the answers? Yeah. Yeah. So, that's the mindfulness part of this ladder, attending and coppering. Yeah. Um, but when you propose something, it's like you're trying to understand them. You're trying to show that you understand. That's right. By proposing, oh, when you were feeling this when you had your your, you know, your child, I'm I'm assuming it was a lot of anxiety, but also a lot of joy at one point. And maybe you can be like, no, it was a nightmare. Like the whole 24 hours was not joyful. And I thought the baby was going to come when I was going to have this connection, and I didn't. Yeah. Right. Some women say that. Yes. Yes. Another one was like, "It was amazing in this spiritual moment and then brought him to my chest and ah I felt one with my child." Yeah. Great example, right? So, it's like showing a few different options, but you might be wrong.
Now, here's the thing, though. In the perfect example, what most people do in that first scenario when they said, "Oh, you must have been so excited." And the person goes, "Actually, no. It I was I struggled with postpartum traumatic depression." They go, "Really? Oh, next topic. Yeah. Mhm. And they don't they might they just don't ever try again to show understanding. They've like they're like, "Okay, I don't get it. I don't want to make things worse." And that is the biggest mistake. You've got to stay in the game. Just take it as feedback. Clearly, you weren't paying close enough attention. So, go back to those two skills. Keep working them. And then go start again and ask questions again. Yeah. Yeah. Copying. Oh, tell me what was that like? Yeah. Yeah. And so this is like, you know, I talk about each of these skills individually, but the real skill is being able to kind of like move between these things. Interesting. And know when to how to correct, course correct.
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