Transcription
Have you ever felt like you were fighting a losing battle against a narcissist? Like no matter how much you prayed, reasoned, or stayed faithful, they just kept lying, attacking, and trying to destroy you? And if you've been wondering where God is in all this, or when your justice will come, you're not alone.
That's why in this episode, I'm bringing together three powerful teachings to show you exactly what God does to the narcissist when they try to destroy you, how he responds when he's had enough, and the predictable pattern that always happens when God exposes them. If you've been waiting for clarity, hope, or confirmation that you're not crazy and that God is still fighting for you, my friend, you're about to get it. So stick with me to the end because once you understand this pattern, you'll never see their attacks the same way again.
There are three phases that you can count on every time when dealing with a narcissist. They follow a pattern, and once you see it, you'll never unsee it. And these phases aren't just predictable, they're inevitable. But just as sure as the narcissist's destruction comes, so does God's intervention and ultimately his justice.
You see, narcissists are master manipulators and deceivers. They are agents of chaos who thrive on sowing confusion and destruction. So, it's no surprise that their main targets are often Christians. Because they are loving, compassionate, and forgiving, a Christian makes an easy target for a narcissist to exploit. But it goes much deeper than that. They are actually being used by Satan to distract, derail, and discourage you from stepping into the fullness of what God has for your life. So, stop being surprised when you're a target. But don't be afraid because your weapons are far greater than theirs if you know how to use them. We're going to get to that soon.
First, I want you to understand that the narcissist's plan always follows the same pattern. Phase one, they zero in on their target. And whether their goal is your destruction or simply their personal gain, the strategy is identical. They present themselves as everything you've ever wanted—the ideal parent, the perfect partner, the answer to your prayers. And this is all designed to weaken your defenses. And it works. You let your guard down. You let them in. Sure, you see some red flags, but you convince yourself it's just a mistake or something you two can just work through together. And they will certainly give you that impression. But soon enough, that mask begins to slip. They can't keep up the facade, and the inconsistencies start to show, and you start questioning their behaviors, their motives, and that is when things start to shift. Suddenly, you're either hit with an overwhelming dose of love bombing, or they play the victim and gaslight you. Both tactics are meant to cloud your vision, to distract you from the real issues. And isn't that exactly how Satan operates? Everything is a carefully crafted illusion—beautiful at first, but dark and destructive beneath the surface. And by the time you see the truth, you are entangled in the web—the web of confusion, manipulation, gaslighting, and invalidation. And here's where you begin questioning your own sanity, doubting your worth, and starting to feel guilty for how you reacted to their emotional abuse—ashamed of the behaviors that you're not proud of and now left wondering, "Am I the problem?" And this is all part of how Satan uses the narcissist for destruction. It's like a tornado. At first, it seems calm, but the closer you get, the more you realize you're standing in the middle of a raging storm. And the destruction they cause isn't just external, it's internal. They're going to twist your mind, your emotions, and your sense of self-worth.
But here's the truth. They can't maintain that illusion forever. And eventually, that storm takes its toll. The love bombing fades. The manipulation grows stronger. And the gaslighting becomes unbearable. And you're left questioning everything. You see, they don't want to just break your heart; they want to break your spirit.
But don't fret, my friend. This is where phase two comes in—God's intervention. Imagine you're in a burning building frantically trying to put out the flames with a water spritzer, and you're doing everything you can, but the fire only grows stronger. And just when it seems like all hope is lost, the fire brigade barges in with their powerful hoses and all their equipment. But here's the thing. You have to step back and let them do their job. If you keep trying to control the situation all on your own, you'll actually be standing in the way of your own rescue. And that is exactly how it is when God steps in. He is ready to step in and extinguish that chaos.
One of my favorite stories in the Bible about God's surprising intervention is the story of Joseph and his brothers, found in Genesis chapters 37-50. Now, it's a lot to read in our time today, so I encourage you to read it when we're done here. But in essence, Joseph's brothers were jealous of him. And instead of just letting him be, they sold him into slavery and faked his death. And as a result, Joseph endured false accusations, imprisonment, hardship. But even though Joseph's life had taken what seemed like a terrible turn for the worse, all because of somebody's jealous vengeance, God was with Joseph every step of the way. God gave Joseph favor in Potiphar's house, in prison, and eventually as the second in command in Egypt. And through Joseph, God saved so many lives, including his own family during a famine, which brings us to that famous scripture that I love so dearly in Genesis 50:20: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." God will step in. The narcissist may think they have the upper hand, but this is where God's intervention begins. And the Bible is clear: God fights for his children. That's Exodus 14:14. And while the narcissist wages war against your mind and your spirit, God is already at work behind the scenes protecting you. Your job is to put on the full armor of God and get out of his way. This isn't the time for retaliation, trying to get them back, passive-aggressive digs, or forming hatred in your heart to protect yourself from the hurt; your tactics to win them over, get them back, or prove your point can and will delay God's intervention because now he's got to go undo what you've done, or worse, deal with you because now you've gone down a wrong road. I know, I know you want to fight. It's not a bad thing, but stop doing it in the natural and take that battle in the spirit realm. This is where your victory is going to be won.
Now, you may be saying to me, "Chris, how do I do that?" Well, first, I want you to arm yourself with the heavy artillery found in Ephesians 6. The narcissist wants you to feel powerless, but God wants you to back off, suit up, and stand still. He will fight this battle. God's intervention is like that fire brigade, but you have to stop fighting the flames your way and trust his power to bring peace and restoration. And what the narcissist doesn't realize is that they're not just fighting you, they're fighting God himself. And that's a battle they'll never win.
Phase three is God's justice. Here's the question: When God steps in to intervene, are you prepared for what happens when that fire gets put out? Think of it like a wildfire that has been raging out of control. The flames consume everything in their path. And when God steps in to douse those flames, the fire doesn't just stop; it actually reveals everything left behind. And this is where justice comes in. You see, once that fire is out, everything that was hidden in that chaos is now exposed—the lies, the manipulation, the damage, all of it comes to light. Phase three is where God's justice ignites. But just like any other fire, we can delay it or we can get burned trying to control the blaze ourselves. So, what does it look like when God brings justice after the storm? And how can we make sure that we're not the ones holding it back? Well, let's dive into what his perfect justice means for you.
Number one, they will reap what they sow. Galatians 6:7 reminds us, "Do not be deceived. God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that he will also reap." The narcissist may have unleashed destruction, but they cannot escape God's justice. Say that with me: They cannot escape God's justice. And I realize that it may seem slow in coming, but their lies, their manipulation, their spiritual sabotage will come back to bite them. And while they think they've won, God is a God of justice. And Romans 12:19 reminds us that no injustice goes unpunished. This will lead to the downfall. Because as they continue to manipulate and control, because that's what they do, their web of deceit begins to unravel. And whether that's through legal consequences, financial ruin, crumbling relationships, mental disturbances, you name it, the narcissist will face the fallout of their behavior if they don't repent. And their attempts to destroy you will inevitably lead to their own self-destruction.
So what does this mean for you? Well, it means you're victorious whether you feel it or not. Believe, my friend, that you have emerged from this spiritual battle stronger, wiser, and more rooted in Christ than when you went in. And when you doubt, I want you to jump right back to Genesis 37 through 50. Because while the narcissist's fate is sealed, your walk is victorious, healed, protected, and even stronger than before. While they scramble to pick up the pieces of a broken life, you walk away with more compassion and better communication. While they find another victim to target, you head into healthier, more godly relationships that actually refine your character. What they meant for evil, God will use for your good. The narcissist may have set the trap, but they will be the one to fall into it.
But to ensure that God's justice is served in a timely manner, there are three critical steps that you can take. Number one, give up the notion of what God's timing should be. Look, I get it. You want justice quickly. We all do. But Isaiah 55:8 reminds us, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." But make sure that your prayers not only align with his will, also with his timing. And we often think we know what's best. We see them getting away with something. We see what we're doing and we think, "God, strike now. God, now." Look, God's timing is perfect, even when it doesn't align with ours. And trusting in his higher plan will free you from that frustration.
Number two, allow God to do his work within you. I can see your eyes burning through this screen right now. Look, but narcissistic relationships leave deep wounds that require healing. And Psalm 147:3 reminds us that he heals the brokenhearted; he binds up their wounds. And before justice comes, let God restore your heart and mind. And his healing will prepare you for the justice that he will bring in his time.
Number three, trust him and surrender. It's not your job to force justice. God will fight for you. Remember Exodus 14:14: "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Surrendering your will for control and trusting God fully is key. He is more than capable of bringing justice. And your peace comes from knowing that he is the one in control. By releasing your timeline, allowing him to heal you, and trusting in his plan, you create that space for God's justice to unfold in just the right way at just the right time.
But here is where it can all go terribly wrong. You see, the enemy is going to tempt you to step in with your water spritzer. He's going to cause you to question God's sovereignty. He's going to fill your heart with so much hurt and hate that you feel justified holding on to that unforgiveness. Your job is to resist his tactics and not become another casualty in this destruction. Let God do what only God can do.
There's a character in the Bible that always reminds me of God's justice. Perhaps you know her from the book of First and Second Kings. She was a Phoenician princess who was the wife of Ahab, king of Israel. And her name was Jezebel. Jezebel was a spiteful, manipulative, wicked, malicious woman who presented as charming and attractive and at times a victim. Sound like anyone you know? Narcissists are notorious for putting on the performance of being everything you need, but beneath the surface, they are self-centered, immature, entitled little brats who will stop at nothing to get what they want from you.
Now, Jezebel was infamously known for promoting the worship of Baal, a Canaanite deity in Israel that directly was in opposition of the worship of God. And she was also famous for her role in the persecution of the prophets of God and the murder of Naboth just for his vineyard. Why? Because her husband wanted it. Her actions led to severe confrontations with the prophet Elijah. Now in our lives, she's the mother who seems to always get her way with her constant abuse. She's the woman at the office who has the boss fooled, or at the very least, they're afraid of her coming unhinged. Now, here's the thing: She doesn't have to be a she. This Jezebel behavior is no respecter of genders. You see men with these same traits as well. And you'll see God do the exact same thing. In fact, there are some predictable patterns that I want you to start looking out for—patterns you might otherwise miss if you're focused on the fear and frustration.
For starters, God will not tolerate idolatry and falsehood. Jezebel's promotion of Baal worship and her attempts to suppress the worship of God actually represent the pinnacle of how the narcissist operates. They are idolizers and liars. Like Jezebel, narcissists create these false images and they exalt themselves at the expense of others. But let's remember this, my friend: God hates idol worship. In fact, let's go back to Exodus 20 where it says, "You shall have no other gods before me." Now, you may be thinking, "Well, it's not like they've got carved images that they worship." Or do they? I think a lot of their carved images are in the shape of a long piece of glass. And it's called a mirror. Narcissists worship themselves. They exalt themselves and anything else above God. And don't be fooled, my friend. They're not content with just worshiping themselves; they need you to worship them, too. You ever wonder why things always go south when you raise an issue or express a concern or a dislike about them? Their ego is as fragile as that mirror. And just like God warned the people of Israel in Deuteronomy 6 not to follow other gods, he also sent warnings to Jezebel. And he will also send warnings to the narcissist. You can expect God to be merciful and give chance after chance. And that is going to be the first phase: God will send warnings. You see, the truth is Jezebel's fate didn't have to end that way. More on that in a moment. And like narcissists and all of us, for that matter, we are given chance after chance, warning after warning. I mean, how many times did God have to tug at your heart, to tug at mine, before we answered the call? And if we heed those warnings, it can lead to repentance and restoration. Ignore them, and you head for destruction full steam ahead. And that's exactly what he did for Jezebel. Elijah and the other prophets were sent to stand up to her. But instead of heeding their warnings, what did Jezebel do? Well, she set out to destroy Elijah. And after he had demonstrated the power of God on Mount Carmel by calling down fire from heaven to consume a sacrifice that completely humiliated the prophets of Baal, whom Jezebel supported. So what did this do? It infuriated her, and she sent threats to Elijah that he too would be murdered. Now, we already know what she's capable of. Remember Naboth? And isn't that just like a scorned narcissist? Cross them, and their hatred has no expiration. And crossing them doesn't take much. Once they feel betrayed or scorned by you, their attempts at revenge will be relentless. Now, I got to assume that Elijah wondered, "God, what are you going to do about this woman? Where is your justice?" But God is faithful. It is not his will that any should perish, but all come to salvation, just like you and me. And God will give ample opportunities for us to turn from wickedness and repent. And he oftentimes sends warnings through people.
Now, I realize this first warning phase can seem very, very long for those that are waiting for the justice and the change. And it's even in this stage that many start to embrace destructive, retaliatory efforts of their own and then sadly wonder why things continue to get worse. And many, unfortunately, in this phase, actually give up on God and give up on hope before they reach the next phase, which is this: God will bring divine justice, my friend. He will bring justice. Jezebel's fate is often cited as an example of God's divine justice. And there is nothing that Elijah could have done to have stopped this woman. God had to intervene. And in case you don't know the story, in the end, I'll cut to the chase. Jezebel's story ends in a very gruesome manner as prophesied by Elijah. She was thrown out of a window by members of her own court, trampled to death by horses, and eaten by dogs, leaving nothing but her skull, feet, and the palms of her hands. Go ahead and check that out in 2 Kings 9. This brutal end was a direct consequence of her actions and is seen as divine retribution to this day. God will not be mocked, my friend. Jezebel's story is a classic example of how breaking the principles of God and the persecution of his people will ultimately lead to downfall and punishment. That narcissist in your life that uses manipulation like sport, the one who lacks empathy, exploits people for their own personal gain, and uses twisted scripture to justify his or her means, yeah, is headed for a fate similar to Jezebel. No, it may not be as gruesome, but it will be just as just because God's justice will prevail because the truth is any one of us, narcissists included, will eventually face the consequences for our actions.
And look, your narcissist may not be as bad as Jezebel. Maybe they are. Maybe they won't suffer such a brutal physical death like her. But God may allow them to suffer in other ways. Frequently for a narcissist, this is done through a lack of supply, failure, and a perpetual dissatisfaction. Which is why you see the narcissist getting worse with old age. In other words, God will reach a point where he hands them over to their own debased mind and sinful ways. And when that time comes, my friend, it can look like there is no justice for you. But believe me, it is torment for them. I want you to imagine living life constantly dissatisfied, always wanting more, but always out of reach. And the only thing that brings you temporary pleasure is the misery of others. Now, I'm not saying that your justice will only be in the form of seeing them suffer. I'm simply saying that their happy lives aren't as happy as you think. Your justice is grounded in the truth that God will restore the years. God will use what the enemy meant for evil. God will turn your mourning into dancing. You just need to be still.
Look, I'm also not saying that any of this so that you just feel sorry for them. They chose this way of life. Their constant rejection of God landed them exactly where they are. And now they're grounded in it. They're grounded in the misery. They're grounded in the hatred. They're grounded in the constant unsuccessful attempts to fill their needs. Nothing changing, nothing working. My friend, that sounds like hell. Literally, it sounds a lot like what hell is like. And that will be the fate of a narcissist—living in a constant state of hell and torment in their own mind and lives. Now, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't trade anything that I'm going through for that.
But wait, it gets worse. What is the narcissist's greatest need? It's supply. And where do they get this supply? From you, people. And how often do they burn through people that they use and abuse? Pretty frequent. So where do you think this leaves them alone? Everyone has walked away. No one is tolerating their abusive behavior. Well, maybe except for a few codependent family members and a clerk at the grocery store that seems to think they're all that, but that's it. There's no one. Family has been exhausted. Kids have pulled away. Friends are nowhere to be found. They've burned all bridges. And yes, they will consider themselves victims and blame everyone and everything, including you. But ultimately, the fate of a narcissist is misery.
Now, I realize that you may love this person, and you don't want to see that kind of harm come to them. But the truth is, your enablement will not change their fate if they don't repent. The names and faces of the narcissist will change, but
God never will. He is no more intimidated by your narcissist than he was Jezebel. And I can assure you that the narcissist will not get away with it. Not when God is your defender. Because my friend, there is no demon in hell or narcissist on earth that can surpass the power of our living God.
Okay, you've done your research. You believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are dealing with a narcissist. But to start, we need to clarify once and for all that it doesn't matter who the potential narcissist may be. What if it's my mother? What if it's my sister? What if it's my husband? What if it's my pastor? Parent, partner, pastor, sibling, coworker, or friend? God will expose the narcissist. And then you can expect this. Don't believe me? Just read John 3:20. And here's what it says: "for everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed."
No matter who your narcissist is, it's likely that you spent years in confusion, confused by the mixed messages, the lies, the manipulation, and don't even get me started on the gaslighting. Or perhaps you've had so many twisted Bible scriptures thrown at you that you've become a pro at dodgeball. But God in his faithfulness has brought you out of that confusion and into clarity. It's like blinders have been removed. You're no longer fooled by the craziness and you see with crystal clarity that this person only cares about themselves. And you're flooded with relief to know you're not crazy.
But then confusion comes a knocking because now they know you know. They'll never verbally admit it, but they know that the tide has turned. They know that the jig is up. And unless they have someone else to fall back on, get ready, my friend. It's about to get more toxic. You see, narcissists are very observant people, especially for things concerning themselves. And they will initially get flustered, nasty, defensive, or avoidant. It's these initial reactions that you need to focus on as you're going to need to refer back to them later in the final phase of their reaction, which we will get to shortly.
And after the initial reaction, you can then expect to see a slightly different narcissist. So, enter phase one. They will employ any effort necessary to get things back to normal. And this phase is a little easier to detect as they will go to whatever behavior has worked in the past. If intimidation was high on their success rate, they will come in strong with that. If guilt was the go-to, you'll get an extra dose. Whatever has worked in the past, expect an amped-up version of that as their next reaction. But hold firm, the ride has just begun.
Enter phase two. Threats, insult, rage, anything to trigger you so you react. And this is done so that they can now look at your toxic reaction and say, "See, you're the problem." If you were more patient, kind, understanding, if you weren't so nasty, critical, controlling, and in their mind, they feel better because you've just proven to them anyway that your toxic reaction means you're the problem. But you know better. You're not phased. Nonsense like this would have killed you in the past, but now get ready, however, for phase three.
Now, I have to warn you, my friend. This is where it's going to start to get confusing. This is where you're going to start to let your guard down and bring your hope up. Stick with me. When the go-to tactics don't work, when the entrapment fails, then comes the apology. And at this point, you're likely wondering, well, maybe they've changed. And what if they finally get it? It is possible. Not probable. So, I want to prepare you for what will likely be the most confusing of all of the stages: the victim that's packaged as an apology. You see, now they come to you deflated. You've not backed down from their tactics. You've not given in to their manipulation. You've held strong. Good for you. But if you're not careful, you can mistake deflation for surrender. And here is where they play the victim because you've triggered their shame response. And if you've struggled with an angry narcissist in the past, you may think that they've finally come to themselves because they're so deflated. Listen to me. Come closer. This is what lands most people right back in the lion's den. This is where you may get met with apologies and think, "Wow, we've turned a corner. God can redeem anyone, and maybe my prayers are paying off." Perhaps. But consider this: Perhaps it's just a ploy. Your optimism is based upon God's power, not their behavior. And yes, all things are possible with God, but God's power is not in question here. It's the narcissist's behavior that is.
So, how do I know the difference? Give it time. Keep holding your boundaries by not allowing things to go back to normal and see how they react. Now, I know that this is the hardest part because you want to believe that they've changed. You want to embrace the person that you've always hoped that they would be. But wait, if they are truly repentant, they will understand that they've got a lot of work to do to rebuild your trust. And it's going to take time. They will no longer blame and justify, but rather they will take responsibility. They will be talking to a pastor or a counselor for an extended period of time. They will constantly seek to understand how they've hurt you and take ownership. Then, wait for it, there's more. You go to counseling together. And after a long period—now I don't have an exact number, but it's longer than six minutes and shorter than six years—then you start to slowly let this person back into your life. Not the same as before, because trust still needs to be earned. And you do this in small test periods.
Now, you may be saying, "But wait, Chris, that's so much work." And that could take forever. I just want things to go back to better than normal. Be careful, my friend. Your impatience can lead you right back in trouble. Because you have to give it time to see if they've truly changed as a result of God's exposure. But if they haven't, then their apology is likely nothing more than an improved, manipulative attempt to get back into your good graces to get things back to what they want.
So, enter phase four. Now, they know that you're not taking the bait, you're not intimidated by their threats, and you no longer rely upon them for your emotional well-being. Their old tactics don't work. So, they may say sorry one minute, but justify their behavior the next. And if you're not careful, you're going to end up right back in the preface confusion. Because the truth is, they're really not sorry. Oh, they're sorry that their life was disrupted. And now, here's the big one. Here's the pattern to watch out for. When they repent and you don't automatically let them back into your good graces, watch what will happen next. They will likely default right back to the initial reaction that you received in phase one. Yep, full circle. They'll blame you. They'll accuse you of being unforgiving. But my friend, if you stand your ground, God will show you with crystal clarity exactly what you're dealing with.
You see, narcissists thrive through convenience. Make their life easy and their behaviors easy, they're good. But call them out and watch out. They have no desire to put any effort into a relationship. They honestly believe that their presence alone is all they need to bring to the table. And if you have something that they need, they'll likely try to trick you into thinking they've changed. If you don't have something they need, they'll leave.
And while all of this can feel incredibly distressing and time-consuming, I want to encourage you through the powerful words found in Romans 8:31: "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Look, the thing is, everything I've just told you will leave you feeling confused if you don't understand God's plan in the months following a narcissistic relationship. And to learn how to get ready for a divine detox, go ahead and watch this episode next. And if you are ready to learn how to identify and deal with all the difficult people in your life, I want to invite you to grab a copy of our free toxic people survival guide. I'll go ahead and include a link in the description section below.