Transcription
All right. I I don't really want to make this video, but I kind of feel like I have to. Um, and it's it's as much for myself as it is for people that have been following along. Um, and to provide some context rather than just vague posting.
Um, you know, I've been I've I've been struggling with chronic illness for a few years now. And uh the very short version is I thought that it was long COVID because I was moderately healthy before I got COVID and then I kind of deteriorated from there. Uh but long story short, what it turned out to be was uh pretty severe gut dysbiosis. So streptococcus overgrowth, H pylori, that sort of thing. So um and then all the downstream effects from that. So endotoxemia and anemia and those sorts of things. And in hindsight, it's very easy to say, "Oh, yes, this is what it was." And you know, but it took like several years, like three years to figure it all out.
Um, and kind of the the thing that's just sticking with me is recovery is nonlinear. And I've I've mentioned this quite a few times. You know, I've got a burnout channel. Um, I'll probably repost this video there. And um you know but and I I know that most of you are here for AI and and this is tangentially related to AI because without AI I would not be here today like I would be far sicker than than I am. I would probably not be recovering yet just because um yeah I mean the the the case that I had was very complicated. It was very it was a very complex case and even with you know some lab work in hand it was still some of the things were still not really apparent as to like what's the actual root cause and so I had to approach it like any good diagnostician or problem solver would which is you look at the data that you have you generate a hypothesis you come up with a way to test that hypothesis and then you update based on the results. So, you know, and then and then you go get more data if you can. You find, you know, what what's the next lab, you know, uh, blood test or stool test or whatever that would be helpful in figuring out this problem. And, you know, fortunately, I live in a time and place where, um, those those tests even exist in the first place. Um, and then the interventions that I needed were over- the-counter. Um, I didn't need any prescriptions. It was, you know, mostly down to probiotics and other supplements. Now granted, there's 10 million supplements out there. So it's not like you it's not just like one supplement is just as good as the next. You need to know exactly what you need. Um and even then it still takes a while to to guess and check and and refine things. And I've spent literally hundreds of hours over the last particularly since 2025. Like once the reasoning models came out, that kind of changed everything. And it's kind of hard to believe that it was only just over a year ago that the reasoning models came out. um you know and then the deep research tools and notebook LM and all of those things. And so like I basically spent the last year becoming a subject matter expert on things like dysbiosis and um and and specifically my case, not every case because every like there's so many different ways that your guts can get messed up.
Um, so that's that's the context. That's the preamble. And then the the meat of it is that um recovery is nonlinear and like every book that I've read says you know recovery is nonlinear and every blog post recovery is nonlinear and even all the AIs are like yes it's very common that recovery is nonlinear but and it's one thing to say that and it's one thing to know it but the lived experience of you know having having like these fits and starts um particularly when you're treating when you have the wrong model and it's like oh maybe I'm getting a little bit better and then you just have a setback because like when I was still treating my my chronic fatigue like it was as though it was like you know long COVID or CFS it's like okay well I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing and some things are getting better and not really and then my stomach started hurting more and my gut started hurting more so I'm like this is the wrong model. Um, and so that's that's really depressing when you know you're missing something uh for a year or more because you just have the wrong you've indexed on the wrong belief. Um, and but then when you do start treating something and you and you get you get a little positive hit, you know, it's like, okay, that worked, that moved the needle. And in my case, the big turning point was when I got a second stool test. So I use the GIMAP stool test which is a very particular thing. Basically what it does is it genetically sequences everything in your stool so that you know what species are there and in what concentration. Um, and that was ultimately the clue that said okay this is this is dysbiotic overgrowth. Um, and that could cause everything that I was experiencing. So it's like that's the most parsimonious example. It's like look at all the symptoms. Does this mechanistically explain it? Then you treat it and then I got better. Um, and I got better with probiotics, but it was a very specific probiotics. Um, you know, and so every time you you make progress, it's like you have this surge. And so, like, for instance, when I finally figured out the dysbiosis and I treated that, I had like 3 weeks that I was in like top-notch. I was like my sleep was perfect, my energy was back, and then like it started fading again. Um, and that's it's the worst. It's so bad when you feel like you've had a breakthrough and then, you know, a couple weeks later you feel like you're back to square one. But the thing is when I objectively look at how things have progressed, it's like it's not it's not that you settle all the way back and get worse. Like when you actually make progress cuz it's like okay, objectively speaking, even though I feel worse than I did during that what a lot of people in chronic illness groups call it is like a honeymoon period. There's they also called it like what was like a pink something like a pink week or I don't I don't know but honeymoon period sounds more reasonable. So you have a honeymoon period where it's just like you feel mostly back to normal and then you revert to above what your previous baseline was but it's still much lower than where you'd like to be. And so like objectively speaking um I have the mental endurance where I can work most of the day every days. Um, you know, it's not it's not all day. It's not like I can do like a full full high-intensity workday. Although I often do spend, you know, up to like 10 hours at the computer. Some of that's just digging around like, you know, on Twitter and stuff. Um, just cuz I don't have the energy to do other things that I would prefer to do. Um, like I've got a we we the new house that we're at, we have half an acre and I got to clean that up for the dogs because there's the previous owners were kind of trashy and there's all kinds of debris and I don't want the dogs to like, you know, cut their leg open on the metal debris and stuff that's left around, but I don't have the energy to do that yet. Um, I can do it in small bursts. Um, and of course I'm out of shape because I've been pretty much sedentary for fully sedentary for just over a year because I stopped hiking in late 2024. Um, or maybe it was early 2025. So I've basically been on the couch for about a year. Um, but yeah, so you get you get this surge of energy where you feel normal. like you know in my case uh insomnia is one of like the core symptoms just because inflammation and cortisol and all kinds of stuff just make it harder to sleep. Um, and then and then you kind of revert back. But objectively speaking I am I do have more energy. I have more mental energy. I have more physical energy. Like most days I can get to, you know, seven or 8,000 steps, which is nothing to shake a stick at. That that's like that's like the floor for metabolic health. Um, it's not every day that I can get that. It's it's most days though. Um, and so objectively speaking, that's better. But it's weird because it's like when you have when you have a surge and it's like, "Okay, cool. I was unstoppable for 3 weeks and then you have a regression because you find what the next bottleneck is." That's almost worse because it's like, oh, hey, you got a little preview of, you know, being pain-free and you got a little preview of not having insomnia and you got a little preview of of having a lot more energy and then you have to go back to being disabled. And it took a long time to really just recognize like I'm living with a disability. Um cuz it it was never really part of my identity. Like I'm the guy that ran the Tough Mudder in 2014 hung over with my friends. I couldn't do that today. I I mean I I can't even drink today because of of how sick it makes me. Um, you know and so much of your identity does shift consciously or not. Like recently I've because I because I cured the dysbiosis and my guts are healing all my food intolerances are gone. Finally, for the first time in like 3 years, I can eat normally. I don't have to think very carefully about what I've eaten and then worry that like, oh, it feels like my stomach's dissolving itself a couple hours later. And it's like, what did I eat? What did I do wrong? Is there an ingredient that I forgot to check? You know, and and and the thing is is with food intolerances, the the trigger period can be anywhere from like 45 minutes to 4 days. So then you have to go back over like everything that you've eaten, not just today, not just yesterday, but half a week ago to figure out did, you know, did some did I forget to check if something had mustard in it? Cuz mustard was a huge trigger food. Did I forget to, you know, was there vinegar in something or or whatever? Was there wheat in something? But now I can eat whatever I want. And it it feels like a luxury. And this is like this is one of the things that like I don't I would never go through this again on purpose, but I do recognize that there is a lot of character growth that comes from dealing with something like this. And that's not that this is not to say that like everyone should go through, you know, disability. And if if you're not having a character growth arc by having a disability or chronic illness, then you're not doing it right. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that like for me personally, one of the ways that I'm making meaning of this is that like I realized I'm really freaking tough. Like I built almost 200,000, you know, subscriber channel while disabled and, you know, I did I did a lot of contribution to early early work on AI agents while disabled. And I've, you know, and and and also figured out how to like keep making ends meet and, you know, buy a house for for me and my wife and our dogs. Um, and it's like if you can if you can function, if you can get through life when your body is fighting you, because the thing is it's not just that you're tired. When you have chronic inflammation, you're you're you're angry and anxious. Like your entire body, it just feels like the end is near. Um, like all the time. And it's it's not just in your head. Like so many people like most most people have been great. They're like whatever, man. Like take care of yourself. We want what's best for you. And some people like you just need to exercise more or you just need to get out in nature. Like look, dude, if getting out in nature was the cure, it would have it would have freaking worked because in 2024, I was hiking literally every day. Like go back through my channel, like I would I would just record a video while I was hiking. And the thing is is just push harder is like not that's not the answer when you're sick. And then like so many people so so many other people were like, "Oh, you must be kind of a because when I have burnout, it's just for a day or two." It's like then that's not burnout, dude. That's just you had a bad day. Like, and and burnout is not just psychological. Like, for for some people, I think that low-level burnout is psychological. Like, it's just like I just feel misaligned with my life and I feel misaligned with my with my job. And and yes, like that's not to downplay. That's not to say that psychological stuff and emotional stuff and feeling misaligned and not having a clear purpose or feeling validated that that's not a real set of problems because like you know if it's real to the brain, it's a real problem. But when I say burnout, I mean something that is like you're physically sick. Um, and and and there has been I think there has been a lot of skepticism. I I still think that there are lots of people that don't believe that it's a real thing even though I've got the lab work to prove it. Like I've got the lab work to show like, hey, I was anemic because my body wasn't absorbing nutrients because my guts were like really messed up. And I've got the lab work showing like, hey, look, there's a whole bunch of microbes in my body that shouldn't be there or shouldn't be in that concentration. And so it's like it's it's legitimately a disease, but it's a complex disease. And the other problem is, you might say, well, why did you tackle this yourself? And it's because there's a lot of quackery in the functional medicine space. Um, at least in America, we don't have a model for chronic health issues. And it's interesting because other nations like Germany, Japan, Russia, they all have way, way more sophisticated understanding of gut health than America. But America, of course, like we have this nationwide belief like if we didn't invent it, it doesn't exist and it's inferior. And I'm sorry, but that's the dumbest freaking thing that Americans have. Um, so it's like if I had gone to any GI in in Japan or or even in a PCP, they would have been like, "Oh yeah, you need some probiotics. You need some you you need some of this stuff or or if I'd gone to a, you know, similar thing in Germany, they'd have been like, "Oh yeah, you you clearly have biofilms. Let's figure out how to treat that." Or even if in Russia for 70 years, they would have sent like, "Oh yeah, bacteria phages here. Here's some bacteria phages. You can get a lot of the stuff just over the counter in Russia. So, it's like, and of course, no American physician is going to admit that, you know, maybe Russia knows a little bit more about gut health than we do because they're the they're the freaking Ruskies. There's no way that communism could have produced better science. But it's like they figured it out 70 years ago. And it's, you know, anyways, I the reason I know all this stuff is because I've spent hundreds of hours over the last year researching and understanding what is going on here. Um, and heck, even the Victorians figured this out. They called it neurasthenia, you know, the a nervous breakdown. Um, and they they they knew, now granted, they didn't get it all right, you know, like Charles Darwin was sick was sick with this kind of stuff, and he kept doing what was called like a water cure, which was basically like douse him in in frigid water. And that would make you feel better for a little while cuz it gives you a surge of adrenaline. And so it's like, okay, cool. I've got the adrenaline and the and the endorphins and stuff, so I feel a little bit better, but that's not a cure. Um, but with neurasthenia, the Victorians figured out you need to you need bed rest and you need lots of food because, you know, reduce the taxes on the body, give your body all the resources that it needs to heal and recover and in 6 months you you could be okay. Now, if you have dysbiosis, that's that can be a permanent thing, meaning it comes back. And this is the thing is like when when you look at the the modern conversation in the modern literature, it's like, "Oh, well, if you've had burnout once, then you're more likely to have burnout again." And I'm like, "Okay, but if you didn't fully return to equilibrium, then then you're still sick. It's like you're just you're just your body is just learning to cope with it and that's not really a cure." So, it's like I've had to cobble together all this insight from all over the world and all over history. And then it's like, yeah, even even once you know exactly what's going on, the lived experience is like, I woke up at 3:00 a.m. today. I didn't want to wake up at 3:00 a.m. Um, and and and it's still a matter of like guess and check, like, okay, what happened this time? Is this expected or did I do something wrong? And in this case, I did do something wrong. One of the things that can be a rate limiting factor in this kind of recovery is vitamin A. So, I took some vitamin A and it turned out that it was like way too much. So, it's like, okay, don't take any vitamin A. Um, and that can have some negative consequences. And it's and you're just so sensitive to every little thing. And then I have, you know, because I've talked about this publicly quite a bit, and if you if I'm looking off camera, it's because I'm fidgeting with stuff. Um, but you know, I I've talked about this publicly and I've had some really big influencers reach out to me. Like I'm not going to name names because I respect their privacy, but people that are like way way way more famous than me. Um, kind of reach out and say, you know, thank you for being candid about burnout, like it's good that someone is talking about it. And I think I think that they feel seen. Um, and then and then of course there's plenty of fans that reach out for help that are not famous and don't have the resources. And it's like I'm a problem solver at heart like and and I I hate that I'm part of teapot, which is this part of Twitter, but I am and I can't help it, I guess. Like you can't leave it. But like I have I have a running joke that like problem solving is a love language for autistic people, you know? Like if you're familiar with love languages, it's like you know quality time or words of affirmation or you know acts of service or gifts or whatever. So problem solving that is a love language. So whenever someone comes to me with a problem I'm like let me fix it for you. Like that's just how my brain is wired. And that was my whole career too was fixing problems. That's it's you know it's one of the most engaging things. In a previous age I probably would have like I don't know been a detective like Sherlock Holmes or something. Obviously like it's a fictional character, but I love I love solving problems. Um, and so, you know, sometimes a fan signs up and, you know, they're they're sharing stuff. And we have we have a a dedicated channel to burnout in my Discord. Um, but they, you know, and I'm like, okay, like what do you share? And obviously like I can't diagnose anyone. I've done I've done my homework to make sure that I don't like step on anything. and like generally speaking like health education and sharing your story is like protected but diagnosing someone or like providing a personalized like healthcare plan like I can't I I'm legally not allowed to do that but I can tell you what I've done like I I can tell you the tools that I've used. I can tell you the tests that I've taken. I can tell you how I interpreted them and I can I can also give out like general good faith education like talking about how the Victorians approached neurasthenia. that is all legally fine. Um, you know, but it's like so when someone says like this is what I'm experiencing, I'm like, well, have you checked this or like you could look at that? And um, you know, but I do have to qualify everything. Um, and make sure that people know I am not an authority on this. Like I I just use AI to learn. Um, yeah. And and I guess that's why I'm making this video is just because realizing how realizing the emotional and psychological dimensions of of living through progress being nonlinear. Um, it's so depressing sometimes. It's it can be infuriating. It's depressing. And it's like the worst is when you feel like you've done something wrong and and you don't know what you've done wrong. And it and it's true like because you're you get desperate and you're trying you're willing to try anything just to get better just to have your energy back just to not be in pain just to get good sleep like you know and and to feel like your body isn't coming apart at the seams because it's you know those are you know like physical pain fatigue insomnia like those are bad enough but then you know if you have uh tachycardia anxiety um POTS So postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. So it's like you stand up and your heart starts racing. When I was in in 2024 um at the beginning of the year, I was to the point where I couldn't sit up and do hobbies. Just the act of sitting up and like you know working on my remote control car back there was too much. I would start sweating. I would start like shaking and I had to like lay down. Um, you know, so the fact that I can just sit sit at my computer all day, that's a big win. The fact that I can just troll Twitter and Reddit just to just to pass the time is is more than I could do I mean 6 months ago, 12 months ago. And I've had to I've had to keep up like the facade of being functional. You know, it's like on many days 100% of my energy goes to making videos or writing blog posts or or or something to try and make money, to try and make ends meet. Um, you know, like I'm I'm very lucky that I that I have the privileges that I do um and and the assets that I do to to be able to make money and work from home and work for myself. And it's it's weird like I I only just became conscious of this because particularly in the last couple weeks when you know you the audience I know that you guys have noticed that like I I think I think you I I look physically better. I still have a little bit of a little bit of darkness under my eyes but that has definitely improved and I'm making videos more often and it's like there are so many things that I just haven't done or haven't been able to do because in my me my mental menu of like what I can and cannot do. It's like I would love to produce like better articles with better research, but that takes to so much mental energy. So, I've had to I've had to economize and prioritize. And it's like what's the what's the bare minimum that I can do to satisfy the algorithm to keep my subscribers happy to keep my patrons happy to keep people you know because because everything is at a certain level everything is transactional right like I know that many people love the work that I do and want to support my mission and for that I'm deeply grateful and there are plenty of fans that are like you know what however long it takes were here to support you. And like I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for those people, for all of you out there. Like I'm not I'm not even kidding. This would have killed me. And I've I've seen it. When I was a teenager, my my stepmom's dad was dying slowly of Alzheimer's and her her her mother died of emphysema because she was a chronic smoker. And so my stepmom's dad moved in with us and my stepmom retired from her career as a microbiologist to be a full-time caregiver for her dad. And that stress I mean she ended up with autoimmune disease, lupus and fibromyalgia. And um I grew up seeing what chronic illness does to someone and does to a family and your life is over. like whatever life you thought you were going to live is gone. And I thought that that's for the last few years. I thought that was where I was going. I thought I was dying. I mean, I certainly felt like it. And if it wasn't for the combination of my supporters and the advances at artificial intelligence, I would be in so much worse shape. Then I am and I still feel like I have so much work to do. I feel like, you know, everything there's so many problems left to solve. I got so much to live for. you know, all the research I've done on post-labor economics and everything else that I want to work on, it just it just turns me on so much to to do that stuff, to feel like I figured out the answer. And I joke with my wife sometimes. I say that um figuring out how to build cognitive architectures easy compared to figuring out chronic health issues. Figuring out how to solve post-labor economics. That was less effort than figuring out my health issues. This is this is by far the hardest problem I've ever solved by a long shot. And it's like as smart as I am with all the resources that I have and all the tools that I have access to, if I barely figured it out, then how many other people just don't even have a chance to figure it out? And it's the pattern is is so consistent like when when someone has been struggling with something for a long time. It's like we we become so suspicious, so skeptical of anyone saying like, "Oh, just do this one thing. It'll it'll cure you right up." And it's like I know that people mean well, but it's like if if a single supplement made you feel better, then like you're the lucky one. Then you were not sick. You were just missing something from your life. or if you know taking a break from from work for a couple months and and spending some time outside got you back back to normal, great. Good for you. But you were not sick in the way that that chronic illness is. And that's not to say that your struggles weren't real. That's not to say that like oh poo poo like you you don't know what real suffering is. Like yeah, like I said earlier, like feeling misaligned with work, feeling misunderstood, feeling bullied or or or you know, burned out. Like those are all very real things, but it's it's different when you don't know what the problem is. It's different when you just feel sick and you feel like you're dying and doctors don't take you seriously and even peers don't take you seriously. Family doesn't take you seriously. When people unironically say it's just all in your head, you know, you just need to get over it or like literally like just the insults that some people send. You know, like, oh, you just need to man up. You know, I was trying not to swear in this, but whatever. People I mean, people say that people say that stuff to you. And it's like I'm not a cruel person. So I I don't sincerely say like, man, if you could only just if you could just only understand what it's like to be in my shoes, you know, but I don't I don't want to inflict what I've been through on anyone. And may maybe that's why I'm making this video now is just because it's I can kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel. like I've made some real substantive progress. So, I guess there you have it. That's uh that's my chronic illness update. Thanks for watching.