Transcription
If you ever feel invisible, or like what you say does not matter, or that you don't matter, if you want to change the experience you're having, wherever it is, at work, in a relationship, the way to do that is to change the way you talk to people.
You may think to yourself, "Why is it that when I say something, no one pays attention, but when somebody else says it, it's suddenly a brilliant idea?" I'm sick of that. What I'm going to give you today are three simple tools. I'm going to show you what they are, when to use them, and how to use them, so that you can take whatever it is that you're saying and elevate it in a way that people will think you matter more.
I'm going to decide in a split second if you are credible or not based on the verbal patterns that you're using. A lot of us were not aware of those verbal patterns, and so we will say things like, "Well, I have an idea." Instead, use the S.O.A.R. I will soar across these other communicators by delivering what it is that I have to propose in this package. I'm going to tell you the S, I'm going to cite the source of why I'm thinking this, then I'm going to tell you what my observation was based on that source, so that's the S and the O. Then I'm going to tell you what the action is I believe we should take before I tell you what the R result will be. It sounds like this: "I have a solution. Based on the customer surveys that we sent out, I've observed that our customers find the interface to be very confusing. So, if we simplified the menu, that would dramatically increase the tension."
That's right, suck it! Those of you who laughed in the past, asked, "Who's not listening to me?" Nobody, that's who. By the way, if you're neurodivergent, this is going to be fantastic for you when I tell you about the personal compass. If you have not yet developed and started to use one, when you have the opportunity to be in a position that matters, the gatekeepers of those positions will ask you questions such as, "Can you tell me about a time in the past when you were presenting one of your ideas and you were faced with an objection? How you overcame that objection and what was the result?"
Okay, when you're asked that, if you can say something such as, "Well, I might deliver a feel, felt, found." And if they were to, "Well, what does that sound like?" "I'm going to first validate you and your objection, and that's going to help open up the lines of communication so that you will be willing and ready to receive the solution when I bring it to you that will overcome your objection." Once I've done that, I can get to step two in the process. Generalize. To generalize means I'm going to let you know, "You are not alone in the dark. I've known other people who are in the dark. I've been in the dark. I understand because you're not alone. Other people have been there, and I brought them to the light, just like I'm going to bring you into the light in a moment, because I'm going to tell you what I have found." And if you can just give me a chance, another power phrase for overcoming objections, you may find that as well. "I can appreciate why you may feel that way. Others have felt the same way in the past. However, what I have found is..."
If you use the phrase, "Does that make sense?" you're doomed. Okay? First of all, that's one of the top phrases cited as annoying, insulting phrases because when people say that to other people, the people to whom they say that feel as though they are saying, "Does that make sense to you, or are you dumb?" I can decrease the odds of me even feeling the need to clarify by knowing how to present something to begin with.
For example, tactical verbal patterns. What they are, how they work, and how to use them. A tactical verbal pattern is a verbal pattern that helps take what you have to say and give it a frame that has been proven to increase the odds of you achieving your goal. How they work is you take whatever it is that you were going to say anyway, and you wrap it up and you fit it into that verbal pattern that will help you not forget certain things, and it will help you not say too much. It helps streamline your message and keep you on track and keep it laser-focused.
The way you use them is if you take whatever it is that you're explaining and you, instead of saying, "Here are the 10 steps. You do first number one, then you go to number two, then three, and then four, then you go to five and six and seven, and then eight and nine, and then 10." By the time I get to 10, nobody's listening. I hope you're still with me. But if you instead say, "First of all, I go to step one, and then I move to two, and then move to three and four. Secondly, I'll begin on steps five, six, and then seven. And finally, I'll wrap things up with completing steps 8, 9, and 10." People will hear every step because I wrapped it up in a "first of all," "secondly," "finally."
And the last two things: freestyle scripts. Freestyle scripts are the number two thing that will change everything for you. I don't know if you watched this, but Elon Musk the other day, oh boy, he sees himself as quite a genius. Maybe he is, maybe he's not. He didn't look like one then. If he had just learned to get up there and say something more along the lines of, "As we all know, we've all lived, so let's all..." It sounds like this: "Well, good evening everybody. As we all know, we're here to celebrate our president's victory. We've all really worked hard for this night, and we've all suffered a lot. I've suffered along with you, and I want you to know that you can trust me, and the power that you have entrusted in me will be used to help better the lives of every single person here. So, with that said, let's all raise a glass and congratulate one another to a job well done."
"We stole it!" Yeah. If he had had the "As we all know, we've all lived, so let's all..." he would have known. You get up there and you say, "Good evening everybody. As we all know," and you state the obvious. Why are we here? Well, we're here to celebrate the president's victory. We've all, what have we all done? What do we have in common? Established common ground. We've all worked really hard to come to this point. And what have I done? Why am I speaking? I know that I've watched everybody here sacrifice to help me get to this point. So let's all, that's a physical call for action. Let's all raise a glass, let's all give a round of applause, or let's all bow our heads. That will cover everything. Three actions. None of those three things includes a Nazi salute. Had he practiced for five minutes, an impromptu tactical speech, he might have remembered to stay on track and not slip into the Nazi territory, but he did not. So he did. Don't make that mistake.
There are ways to practice these things. There are ways to practice them so that they are second nature and you will never forget them. Unfortunately, I've been in this training business a long time, and most people would consider communication skills a soft skill. If you hear them called that, what that means is they're not going to hold themselves accountable for what they don't teach you because you won't learn a thing. These are measurable skills, and if you learn how to learn them and measure them, your relationships will transform overnight because you will actually implement a new way of speaking. When you start speaking differently, you will start having a totally different experience.
Freestyle scripts are a framework to get your thoughts from your brain out of your mouth. When it's more of like, let's say, a talk I need to tell somebody that I would like a change in behavior, I want to tell you that I'm looking for a raise, I want to tell you that, whatever it's a big deal, you want to have a framework that will again increase the odds of you getting what you want. Whatever your situation is, you are not the first to go through it. Most people, if they have to decline a request made of them, they will decline that request and say no, as if it is the first time they've ever been asked for something like their time or their money, and they will make things up and sound like a fool.
If I have to ask for a change in behavior, people have done that before. They've documented what works and what doesn't, and we have been able to come up with scripts. A freestyle script is something that helps you take your thoughts and put it in a way, structure it in a way that will increase the odds of you achieving your goal. For example, if I wanted to tell an employee that they are coming in late and they should stop doing that, or they're talking on their cell phone, whatever it may be, I want to come up with a good lead-in line. A good lead-in line might sound something such as, "John, I need your help." Then I want to give you four things: Here's what you did, here's why that's wrong, here's what I want you to do differently, and here's what you'll get if you do that. I don't want to miss any one of those things. I don't want to add anything extra. Those four things: Here's what you did, here's what that's wrong, here's what I want you to do, and here's what you'll get. That is, for example, a DESC script. DESC: Describe the behavior, give the effects of their behavior, say what you want, give the consequences. For example, "John, I need your help. Last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, you turned your ready light on after 9:00. When you do that, your co-workers have to take time out of what they're doing and cover for you and do work for which they are not paid. In the future, get at your desk taking phone calls with your ready light on by the time that clock hits 9:00. That means you're on time, and if you can do that, when it comes time for a raise or a review, you'll be more likely to get those raises and reviews, but I know you have your eye on. So, can I count on you for that?" That's what you say. DESC. I used a lead-in line, I used a good meaty DESC, then I wrapped it up with a closing line. "Can I count on you for that?" So that we could survive as a species.
What we started to do was instead of, "Okay, wait a minute. I'm going to look at you." "Okay, I see that you're holding something." "What are you holding in your hand?" "That's a spear." "That that could be dangerous." Instead of thinking all of those things through, I know that when I look at you, something says danger, and later on my conscious mind will catch up with my subconscious and realize it's because you're holding a spear. The same thing happens when I'm listening to somebody and I'm deciding whether or not to give any weight to what it is that they are saying.
There are a million different scripts that you can learn like that so that you can deliver messages more effectively, say what you need to say, no more, no less. That will change the way people perceive you immediately and forever. And the third thing I wanted to tell you is if you struggle with not turning into the toxic people around you, there's a principle that we have to recognize: that there's no neutrality in the universe. We are all either conforming or transforming all the time. There's no neutrality. Any object placed in any environment will start to reflect that environment, or the environment will start to reflect that object. There's no neutrality. So what's going on? Are you reflecting them, or are they reflecting you?
When I need to make sure that I'm communicating from principle and who I am, you have to have something like a personal compass. A personal compass helps you in that sliver in time between event and response, remember who you are. Because a lot of people, what they will do is they will trust their gut. You know, in their professional life, they will think, "Okay, I'm going to go with my gut here." Don't do that. If you go with your gut, you are doomed. Remember, your gut will betray you. Your emotions will betray you. They are meant to do that. If they did not, we would never procreate. You want to make fewer decisions and have more defaults. Remember, fewer decisions, more defaults.
In a situation, for example, when I need to respond and I might feel that ping of emotion, instead of going with the emotion, that ping of emotion should remind you, "What does your personal compass say?" A personal compass answers three questions: Who are you? Why are you here? And what do you want? If you can, in that sliver in time, stop and remember, "Wait a minute, I reminded myself when I was saying and sober that this might happen, and I reminded my future self at that time, Dan, here's why you're here, who you are, and what you want. Is what you're saying in line with that?" And if it's not, I can choose differently. You know, that's what separates me from the apes. I can choose differently, even though I'm emotionally charged. I don't need to let my gut betray me. I have tools, and I don't get it right all the time, but if you can get it right one more time and choose to be loving, choose to reflect who you really are, you know what I mean? I'm not here about your business. I'm not even here about my business. I'm here about my father's business. I forget that. If I can remind myself of that and think, "Okay, wait a minute. What I'm about to say, that's not in line with that. Okay, I'm going to choose differently."
What happens is we get in these Groundhog Day patterns, you know, where we just keep doing the same thing and keep getting the same results. You will have the same experience tomorrow as you had yesterday if you speak the same way tomorrow as you did yesterday. We are here to commune. That's what changes our experience, the way we commune with other people, and that's what changes their experience with us, how they commune with us. We are in charge of that. We are in charge of every relationship in our life. So if I start changing the way that I speak, that is the only way to change the experience that I'm having. The only way to change the way you speak, if you're an adult, is to use the right tools. Make sure that you have, first of all, things that are effective, but know how to learn them. Most people as adults have the same experience their entire adult life until they die, having the same experience that they had when they were getting out of high school. Don't do that. You can learn new languages, you can learn how to speak differently tomorrow, activate different parts of your brain, activate different parts of other people's brain when they are with you so that they can have a different experience, so can you.
And I'm going to give you a link to that personal compass because it doesn't take too long. It takes like five minutes to make one. It will change everything. So before you do anything else, make sure to click on that link. If you don't have your personal compass, if you find value in this, subscribe to this channel. That's the free way to support me. If you wanted a not-free way to support me, you can go to my website. I'm offering a membership program so that people can get access to all of my courses, and I put the link in the description. And remember, there's nothing you have to say that you can't say in a more loving way.