Transcription
Individuals with borderline personality disorder, or BPD for short, can come across as very obsessive, and the person of their obsession is often referred to as the "favorite person." But this is not the only instance where obsessive behavior can manifest for someone with BPD.
I'm Lise Leblanc, therapist and life coach, and today I'm talking about 10 obsessive tendencies that are very common in people with BPD. But if you do display some of these obsessions, please don't automatically assume that you have borderline personality disorder. This is a serious and complex cluster B personality disorder that is better left diagnosed by professionals.
So today, I'll present these 10 obsessive behaviors in the first person, as they were shared with me by individuals with BPD. Please keep in mind that although these obsessions are common, it does not mean that every single person with borderline personality disorder will experience these in the same ways. So let's jump in with number one.
I am obsessive when it comes to love. I fall in love so deeply, so quickly. I am flooded with lust and get overly attached almost from the instant I feel a connection with someone. I get so love-drunk and quickly start feeling like I'm craving them like a drug. And at first, it feels great. I feel safe, I feel happy, and in that moment, I really do believe that I've found my soulmate, the person who will rescue me, make me feel safe, loved, and fill the void.
So I pour all of my time, my attention, my energy into them, and I try to be whatever they want me to be. I give them whatever I think they want. I do sweet things for them. I think about them 24/7, and they become just like an addiction. But then, at some point, I start getting scared, anxious, insecure. I guess it's when the love hormones start dying off, and then I start noticing all their faults, blaming them, and even hating them. And I switch back and forth from love to hate, pulling and pushing, until eventually, the relationship comes crashing to an end.
So, what I want to point out here, as a therapist who has worked with many clients with BPD, is that this is not a game. The person with BPD is not faking love or intentionally trying to hurt you, unless they have anti-social traits. Their love bombing and sex bombing are a result of intense emotions that they are feeling towards you in that moment. However, their attachment bond is not secure, and in time, their BPD symptoms, including frantic fears of abandonment, unstable emotions, patterns of idealization followed by devaluation, and other challenging behaviors, will destabilize what initially felt like the perfect relationship.
And it seems that no matter how often the person with BPD goes through this cycle, it always feels very real to them. Which is why you may find that someone with BPD who is self-aware and has recognized this pattern in themselves will warn you about their behavior and attachment issues at the beginning of the relationship. Of course, you will think, "It's not that bad," and that you can handle it. But please heed their warnings. They know how damaging and destructive they can be, and they don't want to hurt you through behaviors and symptoms that they're not able to manage or control.
Number two. Again, as recounted to me by someone with BPD, which I've since heard repeatedly over the years. If someone doesn't answer me right away, or I get the feeling that they are avoiding me, or just that something is off, I obsessively replay every single thing that was said between us in the hours, days, and weeks beforehand. I replay every word that was said. I reread every text that was sent, and I spend hours and hours trying to remember every single detail of what happened between us.
I think about every possible thing I could have said or done wrong until I land on the thing I assume that I did wrong or said wrong, and then I reach out obsessively to try and fix it. And even if they tell me nothing's wrong or explain what is actually going on, I can't stop. It's as though I'm possessed. I can't calm myself down, and I can't accept that what I'm thinking and feeling might not be right or true.
Number three. Along the same lines, and again, how someone with BPD put it. When I feel hurt by something that was said or done, I start spinning a huge web in my mind about how horrible this person is. I obsess over what they did, and I assign the worst possible intentions to whatever happened. Then I start accusing and attacking them, and I won't accept any other possibilities other than what I'm already perceiving and interpreting. Sometimes it takes several hours or even days to calm myself down and see things more clearly, but during that whole time, I can't stop obsessing over it.
So, if you are in a relationship with someone with BPD, you will notice that they have episodes, moments, times where they are perceiving, interpreting, and believing things that seem totally out of touch with what is actually happening or how you're actually feeling. And no matter how honest you are in telling them that you're not thinking, feeling, intending, or doing the things that they're accusing you of, they won't believe you or accept your explanations. But once the episode is over, they often go back to being fully rational, being able to see your perspective, and even apologizing.
Which brings me to number four, which is obsessively apologizing. I apologize profusely, and I continue to apologize long after the person has accepted my apology or reassured me that I did nothing wrong. And I just keep apologizing, or I apologize for apologizing. It's like I have this sense of guilt and shame that runs so deep that once it is triggered, I need to apologize until these feelings subside, which can take a very long time and can cause the other person to get really annoyed with me.
Number five. I become extremely obsessed with my favorite person. This can be a romantic partner, it can be a friend, or even a therapist. I think about them all the time. It's like they become my whole entire world, and I try to get as much contact with them as humanly possible: seeing them, calling them, texting them, emailing them. And if they're not available, I check all of their social media posts. I want to know who else is commenting, liking, or engaging with them, and I'll like and comment on everything. I obsess about whatever they're doing, who they might be with, and I will sometimes even take on the personality traits of my favorite person and pretend to like whatever they like. My obsession with them always ends up leading to a crash.
Now, that's the perspective of the person with BPD. From the perspective of the favorite person, at first, this might be really flattering. It might feel good to be getting so much attention. But as time goes on, this obsession will likely become suffocating and overbearing to you, as they also come to expect that you obsess over them. But even if you do, any time or attention directed to anyone else can become hugely problematic, as they become very, very possessive and jealous over you. And this jealousy can be of your family members, friends, even your children. And this can result in you becoming more and more isolated from other people you love, as you try to avoid the borderline's emotional outbursts and jealousies. You may eventually find yourself feeling like you can't look at anyone, talk to anyone. And even when you're not doing any of those things, you may still find yourself being accused of being attracted to someone else or showing too much attention to someone.
Number six is obsessively asking, "What's wrong?" Here's what this can be like for someone with borderline personality disorder. If I sense that someone is in a bad mood or upset, I obsessively ask, "What's wrong?" If they say they're stressed or that nothing is wrong, I keep asking and asking, and even accusing them of being mad, until they actually do get mad and snap at me. Then I think, "They were mad all along and weren't telling me." When in all probability, they really did just get frustrated from being asked 500 times, "What's wrong?"
Number seven. Again, not everyone with BPD faces these obsessions in the same ways, but here's another one that I've heard many, many times. I obsess over social engagement and even family events. At the time that I agree to go and participate, I feel excited about it. But then I start obsessing over what I'm going to say, what I'm going to wear, who will be there, do they like me, do they even want me there? I start focusing on my insecurities: "I'm too ugly, I'm too fat, I'm too dumb, old," or whatever insecurity I'm landing on. And by the time the event rolls around, I can't go because I'm paralyzed by whatever insecurity I'm obsessing over. Sometimes I do my makeup a hundred times or change my clothes 50 times until I break down and give up. And I often cancel plans, make excuses, and then feel terribly isolated and like a disappointment to myself and other people.
Number eight. If I want to buy or do something, I can't stop thinking about it until I actually get it or do it. Even if I can't afford it or I know it's wrong, I can't get my mind off of it until I go for it. Then I have this intense guilt, but relief at the same time, because at least I can stop obsessing over it until the next thing comes up.
Number nine. I obsess over being perfect and not making any mistakes. I obsess over whether I could have done something better, and even if I did it perfectly, I obsess and question whether it's good enough. What other people are going to think? I go over it and over it because I see everything in black and white, and if it's not perfect, it's complete crap, and I may as well just give up.
Number 10. I get totally self-obsessed. I obsess over my internal experience, what's happening inside of me, why I feel the way I feel, why I am the way I am, why am I even here? Who am I really? Is this the real me? It's exhausting and frustrating because I'm judged as being self-centered and narcissistic when I'm just trying to understand myself.
Not everyone with BPD will experience all of these obsessions, and some of these can have other explanations. But if you are struggling with these types of uncontrollable thoughts and emotions, then reach out to a mental health professional in your area who can help you cope and learn to manage your symptoms and reduce the negative impact on your life and on your relationships.
If you like this video, please subscribe to my channel and make sure that you watch my video on the 10 signs of quiet BPD, which I linked right above.