Transcription
The Greek Jesus, the man who made us humans who we are today, and the man who suffered for saving us with the worst punishment ever—you cannot imagine Greece Jesus suffering. I mean, I'm sorry to say this, folks, but his punishment makes Middle Eastern Jesus's crucifixion look like a day at the spa. So who is this Greek Jesus that I'm talking about? Of course, it's Prometheus, the man who brought mankind fire when he was not allowed to, and the man who didn't die for it but was tortured for it eternally by being eaten out all day—and not in a good way. Man had his intestines eaten out by a vulture every day, all day. Oh, done, all done, all done.
But you cannot tell the story of Prometheus without talking about how Humanity was created, and you cannot tell the story of humanity without telling the story of the first woman and her famous box. What, what, what's wrong with talking about a famous woman's box? Pandora's Box is literally the reason suffering exists in our world. But to tell you the story of the very beginning of our existence, let me start at the very beginning, when two best friends had a falling out: Zeus and Prometheus. Let's do this.
Zeus was bored. Zeus had led his siblings to victory in a war against their abusive father that had tried to kill them. And after the dust of that epic Titan War had settled, Zeus was the supreme ruler of the world. But at the time, the world wasn't all that exciting. There were the Titans, but most of them had opposed Zeus, and his punishment were now imprisoned in the depths of hell. They were the primordial beings that literally represent concepts like said hell, which was actually a primordial called Tartarus, or Gaia, the pacification of the Earth, or Nyx, the Night, and her husband, Erebus, the darkness. But there were only like five or thirteen of these primordials, depending on who's counting, and outside of that, there were just a bunch of gods and smaller deities, nymphs, and that, but everything that existed was either related to Zeus or he already had sex with it. Actually, don't go thinking that being related to Zeus would stop him from having sex with you—just ask his daughter, Persephone, how that worked out for her. What the—
So when there was nothing left to assault against her will, Zeus kind of ran out of hobbies. The only hobby he had left was being worshipped, and so he combined his love for the carnal act and that desire to be worshipped, and he opened an OnlyFans. Zeus went to one of the few people that actually called him upfront—a Titan that did not fight against the gods when they usurped their Titan overlords: Prometheus. Since he sided with the gods during the war, Prometheus was good in Zeus's book. And you'll understand this if you have a full beard and you meet a guy with a full beard, and ideally like the same hairstyle—you know, beard and hairstyle. That's all it takes for two guys to go, "What, did we just become best friends?" Yep. So Prometheus and Zeus—BFFs.
Now you need to know that Prometheus was a serious intellectual—so serious in his intellectuality that his name, Prometheus (I'm not sure if I'm saying that right: Pro-meth-eus, Pro-meth-eus), literally means "forethinker," and that's because he could literally forethink. My guy could see the future. Remember that because it'll be important later, and that's why I started on the name, just so you remember it more, not because I have trouble pronouncing the name. Prometheus was also a masterful craftsman and could literally create anything—not Zeus. Zeus was not the craftsman, by the way. But Zeus came up with that idea because he was bored, so he came up with an idea like, "Bro, can you create beings that that they look like us, but slightly worse-looking, and they think like us, but like slightly dumber? And basically, I want like small, tiny god things without the wisdom, without the power, or the immortality—like squishy, you know, squishy and weak, but fun to watch. All right, cool, thanks." It's like, "Well, bro, you can't just come up with wild-ass demands like seriously." Zeus was like Steve Jobs stringing around with ideas he had no idea how to execute, like, "I want my whole music collection in that phone, get on it." But Prometheus was that dude, so he went to work on Zeus's order and created smaller, dumber, less powerful versions of the Gods, which he called humans—made to worship the Gods in fear and awe, always striving to be like the gods but always struggling in that quest and deferring back to the God's Divine guidance. At least that was the idea, but spoiler alert: a lot of us humans turned out quite different from what Zeus was hoping for, and we have Prometheus' kind heart to thank for that.
Prometheus modeled the first humans out of Gaia's flesh—remember one of the primordial beings that I mentioned earlier, Gaia, the Earth personified. Don't worry, he didn't carve the old lady up; her flesh is just Earth. So Prometheus modeled the first humans out of Earth, and to make all that dirt stick together, he used Zeus's spit to shape and form us, and then baked us in the heat of Apollo's sun, and then we were ready. I mean, I mean, literally, we like, we, we may—I'm sorry, I'm sorry, ladies, but Zeus's orders were specifically to not create any females, you know, 'cause the dude is, uh, uh, prone to assaulting everything without a pillar and stones. At least he was aware of that; at least he was aware, you know. So at this point, males only. Prometheus created men in all shapes and colors: red, green, white, brown, blue, yellow, black. The first humans were incredibly diverse. And when Prometheus called Zeus over to show him his little creations, Zeus came running up all excited and trampled all over the humans and broke them all. The only thing that survived Zeus's happy feet were a kind of whitish and a kind of blackish man. And before Zeus could do more damage, Prometheus lined up all these white and black dudes and called over the goddess Athena to blow life into them. Now don't even take it there; don't even, don't you even take it. I mean, her breath, her breath, her wind breath, wind, her breath blew life into the men. Jesus, guys, always take it to the dirtiest of places. And so here we were, the first men, and Zeus was so excited that he clapped his hands to multiply us thousands of times, and Bob's your uncle—Humanity was born. All because Zeus was bored and wanted new worshippers. And if you really think about that—suppressed horniness leading to boredom leading to the desire to be looked up to by something that highly resembles you and aspires to be like you—that's basically the same reason people have kids. This is where I, I want to introduce you all to my, my newborn son. Now I'm just messing with you; I want extra miles for this joke, man. I went on the streets; I asked babies, "Yo, can you give me—I have 2 million followers on TikTok, 25,000 on YouTube—give me your baby; it's a practical joke, it's going to be fun." They're like, "Nah, what's wrong with you, creep?" People.
So you had these first men trotting around the planet, and Zeus and Prometheus kind of looked at them—all tiny, all stupid, all naked—and Zeus was like, "Yeah, not going to lie, they're probably all going to die throughout the first winter. It'll be fun to watch them die, right?" But Prometheus was not one to abandon his creation; he felt responsible, so he had a bright idea and said, "Listen, bro, all they really need to survive, to create, and to fend for themselves, really all they need is fire." But as soon as Prometheus uttered the word "fire," Zeus snapped, "No! God, no! God, please, no! No, no, no, no!" This guy Zeus got so angry that, under threat of death—agonizing, slow death—he warned War, his best strength, and all the other gods that under no circumstance is Humanity ever allowed to attain the knowledge of fire; for with fire comes evolution, and with evolution comes enlightenment and ego, and with that, no more believing in the gods, no more googly worship. So Zeus made it clear: if anyone, anyone dares to give Humanity fire, he will personally—
Prometheus stole fire from Mount Olympus and gave it to humanity. Prometheus didn't just give Humanity fire to figure it out on their own, though. He went from settlement to settlement and taught humans fire's many uses. And before long, the view from up on Mount Olympus changed. And what the gods now saw was a human world where a bunch of light just popped up in places. Suddenly, the nights weren't quite as dark anymore. And in fact, with the nights not being all that dark and scary anymore, a lot less prayers reached the gods. Why were humans not praying for the God's protection against the nightly terrors? Why were they coming together over bonfires, having fun, turning the dark into something calm, peaceful, enjoyable? What was this confidence Humanity had acquired? Of course, it only took Zeus one serious look to realize what had happened, to realize that his orders had been defied. And once he did, there wasn't an outburst of anger; there was only cold, calculated hatred. And all Zeus could think was, "Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."
It turns out that the destroyer of worlds was the first woman—not just any woman, though. She was the most beautiful and perfect woman ever created, a true goddess amongst men; for the actual Gods crafted her without any restrictions on Zeus's orders. This woman was to be as beautiful as the most beautiful of goddesses, and her name was to be Pandora. The first human woman was crafted by yet another masterful craftsman, the god of blacksmiths, Hephaestus. And he modeled Pandora after all the goddesses he was secretly creeping on, because Hephaestus is actually ugly as hell. His mom threw him off a cliff when he was born because she was shocked by how ugly her baby was—true story. Watch it, because Hephaestus was ugly and not blessed with the best flirt game; his creep game was strong, strong, and you know creeps have the best attention to detail. So the details on this first human woman, on Pandora, were exquisite—which is to say, damn, Pandora was fine. You know, fine with a capital F. You know what I mean? Like, down to the details. You get me? Breath. No cellulite on this one. Side note: I actually love me some cellulite; like genuinely, I'm not kidding, not just saying that. There's legit just something mature about it, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know, grown woman things, you know.
Pandora was so fine that even the gods and goddesses were impressed by this first human lady. And to make her truly perfect, they taught her everything she needed. Apollo taught her music and the ways of a silver tongue. Athena taught her weaving and other womanly skills. And then the irresistible goddess of love, Aphrodite, taught Pandora the art of lovemaking—one-on-one, just, just Aphrodite and Pandora practicing lovemaking. Right, you get me, bro? This woman was equipped perfection. And this perfectly sculpted woman was to be step one of Zeus's evil master plan. She, Pandora, was going to be the one to destroy the world for him. Because Zeus, man, he never planned to just nuke Humanity and be done with it, you know? He was in it for that slow pain and suffering. And for that, step two was to send Pandora down to Earth with a mysterious box, of which he told her, "Hey, girl, listen, take this, your box. Don't worry about what's in it; just never open it. You got like, here, go to Earth, by the way, filled with men. Be careful. Take this, your box. Don't worry, never open it. Always keep it; never open it." Step three was to not just send Pandora to Earth but to actually send her to Prometheus' younger brother, Epimetheus, who joined his brother during his time amongst humans. Because don't forget, this whole thing is an elaborate plan of Zeus's to punish Prometheus also. And Prometheus knew this, of course. He knew his friend Zeus's lust for vengeance; he knew King Sparkles was coming for him. So he told his brother Epimetheus, "Bro, listen, no interaction with Mount Olympus. Don't accept any visitors or gifts from the gods—like nothing. You hear me? Like, no matter how incredible, no matter, no matter what, you hear the words 'Mount Olympus,' 'gift from the gods,' you run. A—Hi, I'm Pandora, I'm from Mount Olympus, I'm a gift from the gods. Oh my God, bro—" Pandora was so fine that Prometheus just fled out, married her instantly on the spot. And before you judge the man, imagine the sausage fest he was living through. There were no women on Earth, none. And now, because his brother was on some midlife crisis self-fulfillment, "I'm going to save Humanity" thing, Prometheus has to join them on Earth and never feel the touch of a woman again. No, no, no, no, no, no, hell no, no, no, I refuse, no, no, me. For one, I don't blame the man for folding instantly when perfect Pandora appeared before him. And the two were actually happy in their marriage; it was, was perfect. Mind you, this was a perfect world in general—Humanity's Golden Age. Men did not yet know evil or any of its nuances; all they knew was happiness. And the only ones to even know the love of a partner were Epimetheus and Pandora. So it was perfect—until Pandora got bored. I mean, Epimetheus wasn't perfect like she was, man. His name literally translates to "afterthought," you know, not the brightest bub on the Christmas tree. Also, he was masterfully sculpted like Pandora, not trained in the art of eloquence and the art of lovemaking by the greatest Gods themselves. So after a while, one night, Pandora was like, "Hey, honey, I'm just stepping out with the girls; have a girls' night out with the girls." Huh, that, that, that, that, that's plural, huh? Ah, man. Pandora couldn't go anywhere. So the only thing she had to distract her from the boredom of an infinite marriage with an immortal was her box. This is not a masturbation joke, Jesus, guys, keep it mature. I'm literally talking about the mysterious box Zeus gave her, her box, the Box she had kept close and closed all these years—that box that, for some reason, cannot be opened under any circumstances. And be honest, you would have cracked that thing open the moment Zeus turned his back on you. It's amazing that Pandora even held on for this long. But finally, craving something new in life, overcome with curiosity, she snuck away and opened the box. And what happened next? Well, let's just say no more blissful Golden Age for mankind.
Pandora's Box was Zeus's wrath perfected. The Box contained all the bad things we know and fear. Actually, let me rephrase that: the Box contained all the bad things Humanity at this point did not know and not fear, because it was a Golden Age; it was perfect. They literally didn't know fear; they didn't know the dread of death, and they didn't know jealousy. Like, was that—they didn't know rage, and they didn't even fear old age. And yes, all that—or just to say, evil—was not a thing on Humanity's mind. I spit on fire; you like that? I spit on fire; I was bubble triple. But once Pandora opened the box, evil and fear in all its many shapes and forms escaped out of Pandora's pot and took hold of the Earth forever, to be a part of humanity now, forever here to make us flirt with doom. And that's the crucial aspect I just mentioned there—forever here to make us flirt with doom. Because again, Zeus didn't want to destroy Humanity outright; that would not have been real suffering to Zeus. Suffering was facing the same hardship over and over, hoping for a different outcome only to end up with more pain, hoping for a different outcome—that was the crucial variable needed for true suffering: hoping. And that's why at the bottom of Pandora's Box, Zeus placed hope—the last thing to escape the Box, the thing Zeus knew would allow Humanity to battle with misery forever, clinging to hope for a chance that things will get better, and thus praying in hope, praying for better to the one who cursed them all in the first place: Zeus, the evil mastermind whose plan was perfect. Humanity would suffer forever and know their place, and thus the gods will be worshipped forever and be more powerful than ever before. Now all there was left to do was to punish Prometheus.
Zeus took a sweet old time punishing his former best friend, for the very same psychological principle he put hope at the bottom of Pandora's Box. He wanted Prometheus to know the punishment was coming and to never fully live at peace for fear of what Zeus would actually do to him. But eventually, Zeus made his move, and surprisingly, the time he had let pass had softened his anger. When Zeus finally called upon his former friend to come receive his punishment, he told Prometheus that he wanted to give him a chance to apologize, renounce Humanity, look at their evil ways, look at how disgusting they are, renounce them, hate them, forget them, and he will forgive you. But Prometheus refused. He blamed Zeus for cursing humans but promised Zeus could not keep them down, told Zeus that he still believes in mankind, that he loves humanity, and will never renounce us. So Zeus was furious, and his punishment was the most hateful thing he could think of for his arrogance and betrayal. Prometheus would be tortured forever, and since Prometheus is an immortal that cannot die, forever really means for all eternity. And by torture, Zeus meant that he would have an eagle eat Prometheus out every day, only for his wounds to heal every night while Prometheus is helplessly tied to a rock. And Prometheus was like, "Have an eagle eat me out? There, bro, that's bro, that's perverse as hell, dog." And just for that little joke, Zeus decided that a noble eagle is actually too good for the mankind-loving Prometheus; instead, a dirty vulture would do the deed. And so he chained Prometheus up, and from that day on until the end of days, a vulture comes to rip apart Prometheus's flesh, tear out his liver, and eat it right in front of him. That was Prometheus' fate—another horror show that the sadistic Zeus could now enjoy watching from his throne, along with the drama of humanity crumbling under the terrors of the evils he unleashed from Pandora's Box.
Sitting on Mount Olympus, Zeus not only enjoyed the vulture tear apart Prometheus and mankind tear apart each other; I think honestly he probably got a little spark out of it, you know, a little, little trembling spark in his little thunderbolt. I could just imagine Zeus's twisted mind sitting there watching mankind suffering with the same glee other people watch adult films, where, you know, you know the feeling you're enjoying yourself, loving your innocent debauchery, but then every once in a while, every once in a movie, there comes a moment where they do some outlandish stuff, and you think you're having a good time, but then comes that Two Girls One Cop moment out of nowhere, and you're just like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait—it was too much." What Humanity was doing was much too much, even for Zeus. He wanted them to suffer, but he didn't want them to ruin the world he loved. He had no idea that Humanity was capable of such depravity, man. They spawned more evil than he ever imagined. Zeus was shocked, disgusted, and no amount of prayers and worship could make him feel good or be worth this abhorrent behavior. Zeus regretted his decision and went to the gods that helped him calculate and execute this plan—the gods that helped him create Pandora and her box—and he told them, "Help. When I came to you with those calculations, we thought we might start a chain reaction that would destroy the entire world. I remember it well, but happily, I believe we did it." It's hard to shock a god like Zeus; it's harder to make him regret something. But Zeus loved the world he ruled over too much to allow Humanity to go on, so he decided it was time to fully eradicate them—all of them, all of us. It was time for a great flood that will cleanse the world. And this is where one little thing I told you to remember in the beginning of this video becomes very relevant. Remember how I told you Prometheus' name means "forethinking," foresight, forethinker—that he can see the future? As soon as Zeus had formed the thought of flooding the world, as soon as he formed it with intention, Prometheus knew the flood was coming, even while being tortured and suffering. Prometheus' mind was still sharp, and his heart was still with Humanity; his heart was still with us. So he immediately took measures to stop the genocide. Using his powers of prophecy, Prometheus appeared in the dream of his son, Deucalion, a divine son born to Prometheus and the minor goddess Clymene. Deucalion chose life on Earth like his father, where he married the daughter of Prometheus' brother, Epimetheus and Pandora. So obviously, at this point, a bit of time—roughly two decades—had passed since Pandora had appeared on Earth. So anyway, Prometheus appeared in the son's dream to tell him how Zeus's plans were to devastate the world, and he warned him, "Deucalion, be warned—great Zeus is fed up, man. He always underestimated Humanity's potential, also in their ability to do evil and tear apart his beloved world, and he will end everything. There's a great flood coming; Zeus is punishing all of you, son. You need to build a boat." The son was like, "Okay, cool, Dad, I got it. I'll build a boat." And then Prometheus was like, "And when the flood's over—that's the most important thing of this message, that this part I very carefully worded—when the flood is over, throw the bones of the great mother over your shoulder." And the son was like, "What the f*** is that supposed to mean?" But the dream was over; Deucalion woke up, and Prometheus never appeared to him again. He was like, "Bones, mother, shoulder? No, no time to ponder; need to build a boat. Need to build a boat for two." Yeah, he literally built a boat that was big enough for only two: him and his wife. Like, screw everybody else. What do you think he was going to build an ark or something, save animals, other people, a pair of each? Hell no, man. Did you miss the memo about how evil Humanity had become and how there are basically no women? Like, he had the daughter of Pandora, the daughter of the only woman. He's going to invite a bunch of depraved guys on his boat with a woman, the only other woman? Hell no, man. Come on, man, you must be tripping. No, man. Man was like, "Every man for himself now, guys. Sorry, man. Save this girl, pack some snacks and drinks for the road," hopped on his little boat, and watched Humanity drown, gance. And when the flood did what it was intended for, Deucalion and his wife were the only humans left. All men were dead; the naked, dead human bodies littering the surface of the Earth. And Deucalion and his wife were like, "Oh my God, it really does shrivel up." But again, no time to ponder; now was time to figure out the whole "bones of the great mother over your shoulder" thing—what that meant. And actually, you might just be able to figure it out, too. I actually gave you a hint early on in the video. Remember when I said Prometheus modeled Humanity out of Gaia's flesh, Gaia being the Earth personified, with her flesh being Earth, dirt, right? So her bones—they were stones. Deucalion figured out his dad's entirely unnecessarily confusing message, told his wife to pick up some stones and throw them over her shoulder. And because, I mean, everybody was—they literally had nothing better to do—they did that; threw stones over their shoulders for miles upon miles, days upon days. And when they turned around, every stone that Deucalion had thrown turned into a man, and every stone that his wife had thrown turned into a woman. Mankind was reborn. And Zeus gave up; he just gave up. He was tired of wasting time and energy on such slow beings and just decided to let us live. And to this day, some of us gave into the evils he once unleashed with Pandora's Box; some of us cling to hope, and like Zeus originally intended, some of us worship God, but also, just like he feared when he first forbade us the knowledge of fire, just like Zeus worried and warned, some of us, for better or for worse, think of themselves as Gods. I just told you who I thought I was—a God. And with that, the exclusive age of the Gods was—
Over now, we enter the age of humanity and heroes: Perseus, Heracles, Odysseus, the Trojan War. The gods will still make appearances, many appearances, but they are no longer the only stars of the show. So I hope you're excited for Keeping Up With the Greatek Gods, Season 2: The Age of Heroes, coming soon.