Transcription
I'm not even going to lie. I am kind of scared to record this video. It's a topic that opens itself to a lot of criticism and a lot of judgment. So, I'm going into this knowing that that's a possibility and that is okay. I welcome comments and discussions. I hope that people don't have a lot of negative things to say and they can try to keep it nice and positive in the comments. That would be amazing. But, I guess we'll see how it goes.
A friend and I were talking recently and we are both women in our late 30s. She is 40 and we do not have children and we're not married and we're not even in relationships. And we kind of don't want to have kids. And this is something that I have said out loud a long time ago because I really didn't want kids. And then I switched to thinking that I wanted them. And now I just don't really know how I feel. But I'm getting to the age where I'm realizing that I just probably am not going to have them. And I don't know how I feel about it because I have not had the urge to have them. I don't have this deep desire to be a mother and to raise children. I don't have it. Whether that's because of my own childhood, my upbringing, trauma that I've been through, difficult relationships, or just having ADHD, ADHD, and feeling very overwhelmed by very minor tasks and responsibilities in life that makes me think, oh my god, what would it be like to raise a child?
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I also don't have a pet and have never had one as an adult because I like my freedom. I want to do what I want when I want. I don't want anyone depending on me. There is a big fear there of people depending on me and relying on me. It feels like a trap. It feels suffocating and like it would limit my freedom and confine me. And I don't like feeling constrained. And I think that there are parts of the human experience, one of them being becoming a mother and having a family that are like cornerstones almost. Whenever I have spoken to parents, no matter how difficult their child is or was in the past or how stressed they are or how much sleep they're losing, all of them say the love that you have for your child is unlike anything you've ever experienced and you will ever experience. And it's the greatest love on earth. It's the greatest thing. You think you love your spouse, you think you're in love. It's nothing compared to loving your child.
So, there's a part of me that's like, I love life. I love life and I love experience and I love to experience so many things. That's why I travel so much and try new things. I just love vitality and I love feeling things. So, there's a part of me that's like, if that exists, I want that. Like, I want to know what that feels like. I don't want to go through this whole life not knowing. I could cry. I didn't think that was going to happen. I'm not going to cry, but I just got a little choked up. There's a part of me that is sad about going through life and not having that experience. And at the same time, I love my life and I'm very happy. And like I said, it's a choice I've made. Yes, I'm single. It's like you have to have someone to have a child with, but it is a choice that I have made. I haven't wanted to have one. I haven't felt ready at any point yet. And now I'm 38 and I still haven't had the desire. So, it is a choice I'm making. So, I'm accepting that. So, please don't give me [ __ ] about it. [snorts] And don't be nasty. Please. I understand. It's a choice I'm making. And there still is a feeling of there's still like a grieving. There's still a feeling of loss that you that you experience.
And the modern world has made this possible. The part that I think is so unusual about it is that a long time ago and evolutionarily speaking, women wouldn't have been able to live alone. they just wouldn't have lived alone without anyone to protect them and to provide for them. People talk a lot about women being independent and not having children. Yes, people have spoken about that. What I don't hear people talking about is the loneliness and sense of insignificance and potentially lack of purpose and meaning when you don't have that. when you don't have a partner, a husband, and you don't have a family to raise and to care for. Because when you're younger, it's not that big of a deal, and you have a lot of friends, and everyone's hanging out together. And as you get older, we move. We no longer live with roommates. We live on our own. We're isolated. While we may have very fulfilling lives and work lives and we may love our careers and you see a lot of these boss babe women, these workaholics and they get a lot of meaning and purpose from their careers and that's great. I still think there's like an emptiness or a void that can't be filled by that because still at the end of the day you're coming home as busy as you can make your life and as many things that you as many hobbies as you can have and as big of a social life as you can have. You come home at the end of the night [snorts] and you're alone. And maybe that's okay. That is okay. And that's okay. I'm okay with that. I love coming home alone. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with this. And I know that there are women who feel completely fulfilled and they are single and they don't have children and they don't feel like they need any of it. What I'm saying is that that has been made possible by the modern world. That to me is very unnatural because in the past we needed not just men, not just a provider and a protector, but people and a tribe and a community and we needed people to depend on and we needed to be dependable and to be depended upon. It was a builtin part of society that you played a role where there were people who depended on you and people who you could count on and responsibilities that you had and you played a role that was very important. And today we don't have that so much and it becomes really really apparent when to me as a single woman because there aren't people who depend on me. There aren't people who rely on me. I don't need to show up for anyone at any time. I don't need to provide for anyone. I don't need to care for anyone or anything. This is a very nuanced topic because while I love that, I think I sacrifice some sense of meaning and purpose that I could have if I had those things. I think it's incredible that women have the opportunities that men have and we can make as much money as we want to and we can have whatever career we want to have. I think that's great. I don't think men and women are equal and I'm not that type of a believer, but I think it's great that we have opportunity.
Of course, the friend that I was talking to mentioned feeling like opportunities were passing her by and as she gets older, feeling like she needs to capitalize on different interactions that she has because she feels like time is escaping her and she's getting older and doesn't have a relationship and doesn't have children and she doesn't want children and won't have them, but feels that she has this time while she's still young to make connections and form relationships and that to her it feels like there's a window of time when that's possible and that window is slowly narrowing. I don't know that I necessarily feel that way. But what I do wonder about is whether because I feel very fulfilled and happy and my life is full and I have hobbies and people that I love and I fill my time the way that I want to and I really enjoy that. And then I think about people that I know who have spouses and families and they have hobbies and social lives and other things. So I wonder to myself, am I just really selfish? Do I need all this time for myself? I love it. I have a 5hour morning routine. That's not an exaggeration. And I don't want to give that up. I love it. But for example, when I've been in relationships, I don't have a 5 hour solo morning routine. Then I start to integrate my life with someone else. And I love that. And then that feels amazing. And that's like the best. And to me, it is even better. It's better. I'm going to say it. It is better to share your life with someone that you love. That has been my experience. I love my life. I It's so amazing on my own. When I am in love with someone and I'm in a relationship, it's like exponentially better. Life is so beautiful. And I think it is meant to be shared. I really do think that whether it's with a spouse or a partner or with children and an entire family, I just think it's meant to be shared. And that's the part of this hyperindependence culture that I fear so much is that people don't have it and they don't realize what they're missing. And like I said, I know there are people who are super fulfilled and they feel like they love it and their solitude and their peace. I get it. I get it. I get it. But there is a part of me that just wonders like, have they have they had it though? Have they felt love? Have they felt love? Have they felt fully seen and accepted by other people? Have they found people who they really connect with? When you have people like that in your life, like don't tell me that being alone is better than that. And don't also tell me, "Oh, you're an extrovert. I'm an introvert. I like being alone." Being an introvert does not mean that you like being alone. Like, you clearly don't know what that even means. That's not what it means. Introverts love connecting with people. They love deep, deep connection with people who they feel really get them and see them on a deeper level. And they usually like to be with maybe one person, one or two or three close friends. It's not that they like to be a [ __ ] hermit.
And the part that makes it even harder for women as we get older is that yes, while we're younger, it's maybe easier. We have more active social lives. We have a lot of friends and peers who are on the same level. Maybe other people who haven't coupled up yet, haven't had started having families, and so you hang out together a lot more. Here's the difference, though. Here's what changes and here's why it's more difficult for single women. And by the way, when I say single women, like single men are dealing with this also. It's not just women. I'm just a woman. I'm talking about my experience, okay? As we get older and as your friends and your peers start to get married and have families, you stop spending time together, right? So, everyone kind of loses their social life as they start to build families and everything. But but but but the people who have families and partners, their social life got sacrificed because they have this other full life with connection and community and like their little tribe that they're building their family. So they still have all of that connection and they still have meaning and purpose and now instead of serving their friends and serving other people and [snorts] being relied upon and depended upon by friends, they are depended upon by their own children. You know, it's almost like more fulfilling. They're they're leaving the social life and the friends for for something be dare I say better like more elevated. It's their family that they're building, you know, it's everything. Meanwhile, if you're still a single woman, you lose the social life connections because everyone's off with their families, but you don't have that. You haven't graduated to something more important. So now you're left perhaps with a void, perhaps feeling lonier, perhaps feeling like you don't have a purpose or meaning in your life anymore. And so then yes, you may have it with your job and career and you may have it with still other friends and your family like your parents or grandparents or whatever, but it's not the same. There is a difference there.
And this is what scares me about the modern world. It really scares me because it's like an experiment that we're running and we haven't seen the consequences of it yet and we haven't seen how this is going to turn out. We all know that the birth rate is declining and we are now below replacement rate. It's especially bad in some other countries. Canada is really bad. Japan is really bad. The US is slightly better but not really. The western world is not procreating at a rate that is sufficient to maintain the proliferation of the human species. How do we solve this problem? I don't know. I don't know. Because they have actually done a really good job at making it extremely appealing and alluring to have this freedom and independence. Not to mention the fact that everyone is so [ __ ] traumatized and damaged and gunshy about getting into relationships and having kids. The whole world is designed in a way that is not supportive of people creating families, having children, and thriving in that way. It's super expensive. People are in survival mode just trying to take care of themselves. They feel stressed and burned out at work. They don't have friends. They don't spend time outdoors. They don't have healthy hobbies or connection. They feel unappreciated. They feel lonely and isolated. They stare at their screens all day. They just continue to consume, consume, consume, acquire material possessions in order to fill the holes inside. All of that is just like slapping band-aids on all of these wounds that are a result of the culture. It's like no wonder there are a lot of people who don't want to have kids and who are afraid because look at the majority of the adults out there. Everybody's got issues. Everybody is struggling. I think that most people weren't brought up in an environment that really inspired them to want to follow suit and have babies and raise children. I feel like most people are looking back on their childhood and at their parents and they're like all that was just [ __ ] And like now I'm spending my entire adulthood doing the work to try to reparent myself and heal everything that I've been through. And why the [ __ ] would I then want to recreate that scenario? I don't want I don't want to go there. I don't want to deal I don't want to deal with it. I want my freedom. I want my independence. I want my peace. And as I said, I totally get it. I want my freedom. I want my independence. I want my peace. And at the same time, I recognize that there are sacrifices that I'm making. And I'm potentially missing out on aspects of the human experience that would be so so so beautiful. And who knows, I may regret it at the end of my life. I try to live my life in a way that I won't have regrets. That is one thing that I wonder I wonder wonder on my deathbed will I regret that? I won't know until I get there though. Thank you guys so much for listening to my story. That is all I have for you today. I will see you very soon in another video. Cow.