Transcription
So a common complaint I get from men is that I'm teaching women that all their feelings deserve to be validated. Their argument is, feelings aren't facts, and just because you feel something doesn't make it true. And I understand where they're coming from, but this is my two cents.
Feelings aren't right or wrong. They're signals and indicators in our body that something needs to be addressed. Feelings might not be true, but they are real. And when we validate someone, it doesn't mean we agree with all the details in the situation. It simply means we care about their perspective and the feelings they are experiencing.
And one reason that she might be pushing for validation is because maybe she knows the pain of being dismissed her whole life. Her parents, her past partners, maybe even you have told her she's too emotional, too sensitive, and too needy.
And you're right, it is healthy to challenge our beliefs and the stories we create around our feelings. This isn't about me taking her side. I tell both partners all the time, validation doesn't justify someone using criticism or contempt or blaming someone else for the way we feel. If anyone is starting out conversations with you, "Never you, always you," "Are you so selfish? All you think about is yourself," "You're such a narcissist," and then expecting their partner to validate them, that's wrong.
But if they are coming to you vulnerably with a feeling, as in, "I feel lonely or neglected or disrespected or disconnected, and this is what I need to feel close and connected to you," and you're dismissing them, invalidating them, telling them that their feelings aren't your problem, I can promise you that's the fastest way to push someone that you say you care about out of your life.