Transcription
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How do I set and maintain boundaries with my parents so I can go live my life when they're so insistent that it's my duty to take care of them until they're gone?
Wow. Um, is there an arrogance or is this a cultural context? It's a cultural context. So, um, so we are first-generation immigrants.
Okay.
Um, we moved here many decades ago when I was a child and, um, my parents started a small business. They were working long hours and understandably, they were stressed out being in a whole new country.
Yeah. What a nightmare.
And they, yeah. And they never were able to dedicate like the time and effort to like learn English.
Okay. So, they've just known the bare minimum to get through their day-to-day. And it's been the way of life for me to translate every piece of mail, like business documents, take time off school and work to go with them to like doctor's appointments and, you know, like, um, car repairs, to the bank, like all of those things that come up that's like outside of the daily routine.
M.
Um, and now that they are aging and, um, you know, their health is deteriorating and things like that, um, they've gotten so dependent on me that I'm unable to like make plans for my life and, um, if anything, they're starting to imply that I really can't plan anything because I need to be here to take care of them.
All right. Can I do something that's mean?
Okay.
Is that okay? I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm your friend and I'm on your team, but I just want to, I'm, I'm going to do something that's going to feel mean for a second. Okay.
Okay.
I want you to run back the last few sentences you gave me, but I want you to change a couple of words. Okay.
Okay.
I want you to change it from "they are making me" to "I am choosing."
Okay. So tell me what you are choosing to do when it comes to getting them to all their appointments and everything.
Um, I am choosing to take time off work to take them to various appointments and I am choosing, uh, to not make plans for the rest of my life so I can stay here and take care of my parents.
There we go. That hits different, huh?
Yes.
Yeah.
So, the only, the only way I've seen people be successful in this situation is to really get a clear, um, what I would call an "or what" statement. Okay? And what I mean by that is I've talked to people who have said, "My parents made choices when it came to their money. They're broke. They're aging. They will never move into my house. Best of luck. Hope Medicare, Medicaid works, which your parents may not qualify for. Um, best of luck to them." I've heard that. I've also had conversations with people over the years who are super frustrated, super annoyed with the situation their their aging parents are in, but they'll also say, "I'll move, I'll move them into my spare bedroom and I'll make my kids share three to a room." Like, I'm not going to leave my parents on the street. And so getting to that finish line, to that "or what" statement, like, like, "or what are you actually going to do? You going to leave them out?" Like, right? So getting there, it tends to allow you to reverse engineer your actions after that. Right? Because here's the thing. The reason they are demanding so much from you is because they can, because you show up every time, which I think is amazing and noble, but it's also exhausting and frustrating and you're watching your life, like, you are, you married? You dating anybody?
Uh, I was married once before. I am dating again.
Gross. Okay. So you, like, you're like, you're, like, it's also really frustrating, like you want to make plans, you want to do this, and then your dad calls and says you need to come over here and read my mail, right? So, is there going to come a day when you are, you're never going to go over there anymore? Or if they don't have a place to live, then so be it? Cuz if that day, if that day is here, if it's coming, they need to know that. And then you need to draw that firm line in the sand, draw the boundaries and begin acting into it.
Yeah. So, uh, recently I did try to set some boundaries and, you know, I don't think I went about it the right way cuz it was, um, somewhat escalated inside an argument.
Sure.
And, um, essentially what I told him was like, I need him to please make his own decisions and, um, like, be an adult, you know.
Yeah.
Um, and he hung up on me and, um, he's giving me the silent treatment since.
Okay. Well, he gets to do that. He's a grown man.
Right? You get to decide. Are you going to violate your own boundaries because it, you feel guilty, you feel uncomfortable, whatever, and you're going to head back into it, or are you going to say, "If he needs something, he'll call me," and then I get to choose whether I engage in it or not.
Yeah. And that's kind of where I'm at. And, um, it's been a few weeks, um, that we haven't had a conversation. I, I think he's just, I, I don't know what he's thinking about it. Um, he just hasn't.
You, you know exactly what he's thinking about it.
Yeah. Cuz Mom, Mom is calling me five times a day telling me to apologize and just.
You know exactly what he's thinking.
Yeah.
So, um, I, I mentioned this on a recent episode. Uh, my friend Dr. Becky Kennedy, she's a clinical psychologist in New York. She gave me a new definition of guilt and it was, she was talking about mom guilt, but I think it plays to dad guilt and I think it plays to guilt in general when it comes to relationships. It's a really powerful reframe. Can I tell it to you?
Yes.
All right. Here it is. Is going, going on a date, planning a date and going on it. And your dad's blowing up your phone because he wants you to read the mail to him. Is going on that date and texting your dad back, "Dad, I'll read your mail on Fridays when I always come over and read all of your mail to you." Um, is going on that date, does that make you a bad daughter?
According to them.
No, no, no. According to you, does that violate your values?
Making plans as an adult and going on a trip, I mean, going on a date?
No.
Okay. Does it violate your core values? Does it make you a bad person in your eyes if you respond to demands for your time at regularly scheduled intervals?
No.
Okay. So, what the way Dr. Kennedy frames it, and I love this, is guilt is a very important, I'll even call it a good emotion that happens inside your body when you violate your values. You're not doing that here. But when your dad cuts you off because you said, "Hey, I'm not coming over tonight to whatever, bring you ice cream," or "I'm not driving you tonight at 8:00 to change your oil, we can do that on Saturday when I told jaws coming over." What you're doing is you're taking his anger, his frustration, his temper tantrum. You're taking it from him. You're shoving it into the middle of your chest, and you're choosing to feel his feelings, and you're calling that guilt.
You get what I'm saying? In fact, I go one step further and say, you feel guilty because you've become somebody that you don't trust because you keep having a bunch of imaginary conversations with them. "I'm going to tell him this and this and a," you'll never tell them and, uh, you're like, "I'm going to quit going over there," and you keep going over there. So your guilt is actually, you're violating your own values, which is, "I'm an adult woman. I need, I'm worth having a love life. I'm worth having friends. I'm worth, like, having my own world." And that doesn't mean I also am not going to take care of my parents. But I get to decide the terms of what taking care of means. It doesn't mean that they have a built-in servant for the rest of my natural life. Does that make sense?
Yes.
And there are some significant cultural layers here, right?
Yes.
Like, I want to own this is a very American way of looking at this problem.
Yes. And I think because I've been here since childhood, I identify more with, with this American way of thinking.
Okay.
But they're just kind of stuck in the decade we moved out of.
"You're my daughter. You do whatever I say for as long as I'm alive."
Yes.
"You are my caretaker forever and ever. Amen." And caretaker means you do what I say when I say it.
Yes.
Okay. So, here's the exercise I want you to go through with yourself before you talk to him again. Okay.
Okay.
Number one, I want you to be clear about an "or what" statement. What's your line? Are, are, if it came down to it, would you move them into your two-bedroom apartment into one of the back bedrooms? Or if it came down to it, they're going to be on their own? Go ahead and solve that now because it will frame what you do next. And either one of those options is going to be hard to think about. Either one of those options is going to cause frustration, annoyance, whatever. But that's just reality. So, let's just put them on the table. The second thing I want you to do is, can you batch this caretaking? And what I mean by that is, can you call your parents and say, "Look, I love you guys. You're my parents. I'm not going to leave you destitute. I will come to your house on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I'll read you all. You stack up all the mail. I'll read you what you want me to read you. I'll respond to your text throughout the day when I can. And if we have errands to run, whatever, Saturday is our errand day or Thursday is our errand day or w Sunday is like, whatever, right?" Can you batch this caretaking so that you're not on call 24/7 365? Is that possible? And then they get to choose, "We don't want that kind of caretaking. You're a bad daughter. You should apologize. You're terrible. We raised you better than this." All that. And they get to say whatever they want and it gets to break your heart and you get to grieve it. But you don't have to violate your own boundaries and run back into it.
Okay.
You get what I'm saying?
Yes.
And I'm guessing that it's not going to go well.
I have tried this to some extent in the past and know it has not gone well.
Okay. The fact that your mom is calling you demanding you apologize to your dad lets me know this isn't just an out-of-control dad. This is a family system.
Yes.
She probably took care of her grandfather and her dad and by God, that's why they had you.
Yes.
Right. What's your financial situation? Can you hire help?
Um, not to that extent. No.
Okay.
Yeah. No, they didn't save for retirement. Um, they are okay on housing cuz it's government funded.
Um, so I, I don't think I'll be in a situation ever where like they're going to be homeless.
Um.
And you have a lot more faith in our government than I do these days.
That's, that's pretty true. You know.
Um.
Yeah, so it is kind of tough. Um, yeah.
It's tough when we have to have a really firm, reality-centered, grown-up conversation and the adults at the table won't have it. They just stamp their feet and want to pound the table like a toddler and say, "This is what's going to happen." And that's very hard to have a a grown-up conversation. I hate that for you. But I, I think all the "shoulds" and "have to" and "I don't want to," all that is just getting so heavy. It's, it's so much weight on you. Clear it all off and just say, "Here's what I'm going to do." And no matter what path you take, it's going to be hard. It's going to be frustrating. It's going to be fraught with big, big feelings. And you might have to change your plan or change your path, you know, at some point. But, um, clarity is kindness for you and for them. Seek clarity and be very direct about what I'm going to do and not do. And it's not, I, I know it's not going to go well. You know it's not going to go well. But my hope is it just by using the words "I'm choosing," I want you to feel reempowered in this situation to do what the next right move is for you. And if it's to take care of them, hook, line, and sinker, make peace with it. I'm going to do this. I'm going to stop fighting it. Stop being angry all the time. Um, or if it is, I'm going to draw some pretty firm boundaries. And if they want to hate me and cut me off, they're grown-ups. And that breaks my heart because they're my mom and dad, but they get to do that. If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected, on-fire relationship. It's just six bucks a month, and your marriage is worth it. Click the link in the show notes or search Together in the app store.