You're on my list of like the five people that like I want to do it and I want to be there. So I'm like, so that's why I was like, "God, can I just be rescheduling on like Trevor Wallace right now?" Like, I'd rather someone when someone reschedules, two things happen.

Number one, I go, "I feel like we're closer than I thought we were because they know they can reschedule on me." Like, I want to be the person that no one has to go, "She's gonna be back, low-key same, she's gonna talk shit, whatever." I get that. I get that because I, I try to give that energy because like, life is life. And certain people, obviously, the type A of it all. But you and I are similar. I know that you don't schedule planning on rescheduling. Like, shit happens and shit comes up. It's, it really is right now with life, with tour, trying to put tour with all my shit. I literally, I was gonna ask you on the podcast, like, "How the fuck do you, Whitney?" I'm gonna get into it. But also, we have to. When someone reschedules, I say this with love in my heart, knowing I'll see you. Yeah, you're just giving me two hours that I didn't think I was gonna have. I love you so much. You were just like me. Fucking for real. That's what we are. Someone bails on us and we're like, "Yes!" You totally. You're just like, "I thank you so much. Oh, smoke a little weed and watch Labyrinth. Okay, it'll change your life." Okay.

Am I allowed to be? I mean, you could do whatever you want. And I, anything. I want to get the baby. Blow it. I don't want the baby just to be too big when it comes out, please. Are you, are you gonna C-section? Are you gonna just fucking just like queef that shit? Yeah, absolutely. Pull up my knee. I, at first, was like, "I should do C-section so I don't ruin my vagina." Right? Yeah. And then I talked to a bunch of men. I stopped asking women. Love, women want to talk to me about childbirth. I want to get, like, give me all the, whatever, cheat codes. But I went to like guys, "Now, is it making pussy bigger? Like, is it change? Is it not as small?" And like, I noticed no difference. Like, I stopped asking women and I started asking men. And then I started watching videos of childbirth. My algorithm is a mess. And, uh, and it's not that your vagina gets so big, the baby's head gets smaller. And no, keep going. I love it. Look, after your trip to Paris, I feel like, I feel like you've given birth in a lot of ways. That was the only time in my life where I was taking a dick. And in that moment, I thought, "Maybe I can give birth." Okay. Which is a horrible clip for whoever's. I did listen to the last episode of your podcast and I am, I feel so much better about having a child than whatever happened to you in that Paris hotel room. Well, you just, yeah, you just hope she does. The kid doesn't turn out like me. For real. That's all. No, I do. Yeah, I think you're the best. We're not doing this. We're not. You can do the self-deprecating thing. Like, it's fine. I like it. So nice to me. I was like, "I don't talk about my friend like that." You know? And also, by the way, you can like release the late Jame. Like, you can, you know. It's, I just have to say something. Like, there's something kind of freeing about when like you're the reschedule bitch and it's okay. It's a, the ship sailed. I know. It's like, I really am chasing. I'm just gonna lean into it. Just be like, "I'm, I'm probably gonna have to reschedule. It's called self-care." You know what, Whitney? I'm clipping this and I'm gonna get one of those digital video frames that just replays and I'm gonna put on my goddamn nightstand. If someone gives a shit that you reschedule, like that's their thing. Podcasting, you're showing up for free. You're showing it for free. I'm not paying this bitch. This is paying me in all the drink company. She has equity in. Not this one. It's Liquid Death. I know. Why don't stop drinking that on camera? At least if you're gonna be two hours late, bitch, at least hold on. That the fuck is this? No, that's flavor. That's a Liquid Death flavored one. Promo code Whitney. And so, and so podcasting, when anyone shows up, I'm stunned. For anybody. Um, when anyone shows up, it's like, we're all doing each other favors. We're all doing this for free. We're all doing this for fans. So when people show up, it's like an added bonus. You, and I think very similarly. Like, shit, because that's how I feel. Like, you were just like, "I love when someone bails on me because I have a free two hours." And I was like, "I say that all the time." Like, when someone bails, Paige and I were like, "Okay, what chain restaurants day are we about to ruin?" You know? Like, it's exciting as fuck. Some exes, let's go. We just freed up my afternoon. Olive Garden. Am I gonna cost someone out in right now? Like, I'm stoked. But no one else really thinks about mindset. So I appreciate it. And also, when someone cancels two or three times, they have to do it for sure. Now, for sure. Four fucking insurance. I wish it was like Stiff Socks podcast. You know, like, Whitney Cummings is an idol of mine. And there's no one. You know, the fact that you even consider me a friend means the world to me. I'm so mean to you. I feel like instantly when I met you, I liked you. Um, and I just like vibrated on your frequency. I love my fucking heart. I just do. I really like Brooke. I really like, I love you guys' brain. And then after I did your podcast, we're gonna get back to the double dildo thing. Don't think you're out of that. Tell me one wild sex story in exchange. Oh, no. Because French guys are wild. I've dated a couple French guys. And, um, so I love both of you together. But ever since I did your podcast, I'll like, when I go out and about, like every, like, 10th or so person will be like, "How's Tana?" And it's not like, "How's Hannah?" It's like, "How is she?" People are, people really think I'm gonna die. Yeah. And you know what? People are so goddamn concerned about me. I, I go through that too. I had blue hair during the pandemic. And it was microdosing oxytocin, ketamine. Okay. I went through that too. People were like, "Drafting obituaries." Yeah. So I've been, been there too. Yeah. Had a little bit of a weed problem, uh, in January. People were worried. But it's not even that. It's not like, "Is she gonna die?" It's like, people care. Like, whatever you're doing, like, you open up so much of yourself and you're vulnerable and you show yourself and you, you know, succeed in public and you make mistakes in public and you own it. And people care about you. That's really fucking nice. And it means a lot to me. I spent a lot of my life being like, "Why?" And I finally feel like I'm at the place where I'm just really grateful for it. You know, it still blows my mind when people like, you fucking care. People that I really look up to and like, you know, want to emulate and just love. So it's, it's great. You know what I mean? But I also, I think that is it. Is it like, even you, like, we share so much that people are like, "How is she?" Like, they're a little scared. But it's like, everyone's doing the shit that we're saying. We just don't keep secrets. Yeah. You know, we're just like, brave enough to like, make the mistakes in public. And what you do, and I hope I do it too, but I know that you do it, is that you show people an example of like, resilience. You know what I mean? Like, I can recover from this. It's fine. And as long as I like, own it and admit it, like, you can't get. God, if I've already got myself. 100. And I like love that about you. I was just talking about that. I was like, "I can be in a worldwide scandal and like not even know for five days because like," and then when I find out, I'm like, "Ah." And they're like, "I'm probably in some scandal." And they're like, "Actually, you are." Yeah, that tracks. Yeah, that Bible happened two days ago. But you're on NBC. I was like, "Oh, sounds about right."

Um, you know, okay, so you were in Paris and you hooked up with a random stranger? Just because they're French doesn't mean they're less random and weird. I don't like why in my brain like that? Like I would never do that in America. Same thing with, but only France. Two French guys that I, I met within four hours, I was in their home hotel room. Yeah. I was like, "Why do I think you're safer just because you're French?" Because you guys didn't do anything in World War II? Yeah. Like, I just, I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. Like, dude, French guys are gnarly. Dude, they, they eat snails. Yeah. Like, as a snack. What do you think they're like in the bedroom? Fucking absolutely. It is. It's, I will like, I really will be like, 50, smoking a cigarette being like, "That one time in Paris." You know, I don't have no voice by then. Like, I'm gonna be talking out of one of those tubes. Actually, your colonoscopy where you needed no anesthesia. Dead. It changed my life. You're really dead after that. Yeah. What it really is. But let me ask you, are you kind of in a place where you're like, "Let me just go with it?" Because you're famous and like, you, you do not think about stuff like that. You don't worry. This guy knows who I am. He's gonna be filming me. He's. I do. I, I don't really. I really don't hook up with strangers. I mean, define stranger. But like, usually.

All right, so I don't know if you guys are watching this or listening to it, uh, but I'm gonna just do something real quick, which is I'm gonna bring a bowl of beef off the floor that I've been eating. This is a Factor meal. I've been eating Factor meals non-stop since I have been pregnant because I am hungry. I'm hungry. I'm low blood sugar. My baby's kicking. I'm pissed. I don't have time to run to the grocery store and fight with seven homeless people on roller skates just to get a cart, okay? I don't have that kind of time, okay? Factor is powering this baby's life, okay? You get it. You're too busy running around during the day to think about lunch, okay? Keep your energy up with lunch to go. Effortless wholesome meals like grain bowls and salad toppers that are ready to eat when you're on the go. No microwave required. Isn't that genius? Round out your meal and replenish your snack supply with an assortment of 45 plus add-ons, including breakfast items like our delicious apple cinnamon pancakes. Check this. These are my new favorite ones. I am in my second trimester of pregnancy and I just want meat, meat, meat. That's all I want, okay? These are my two favorites. I brought them up. This one is the ground beef and cabbage and it has some cheese in it. This is the spicy beef bowl that I've been eating this entire time. I'm not gonna eat it now because you guys got mad at me because you have misophonia and you don't like it when people eat when they do podcasts. And then the cheesy bacon ranch shredded chicken. This is my other obsession. I got some, uh, what are the things that hold tacos? Taco shells. Yeah, but the soft ones. Tortillas. I got some tortillas. Throw them in the tortilla. Deep throat that thing. Tantrum averted. Head to factormeals.com/whitney50. Use code Whitney50 to get 50% off. That's wild. Code Whitney50 at factormeals.com/whitney50 to get 50% off. Stop being a feminist and making food in a kitchen. Just get this already. And LA, really. If I'm hooking up with someone, I, you, I know them. I know them through my friends. They're usually in my industry. I've only ever had one. This wasn't even a one-night stand with a French guy because we kept fucking. But like, I'm saying like, where I met someone and fucked them that night. This is, I've only done that twice in my entire life. And let me ask you, how do you have a couple drinks? Like, yeah, okay. Yeah, but it's hard to do sober. But I did end up. No, I don't know if I fucked him sober. Me looking to someone else like, it's your pussy to your pussy. Why don't you know? Um, yeah, I mean, I was definitely loose and whatever, but I would do it sober. I love him. I might fly him out and give him like a weird random odd job in my house and put him on salary just so he can fuck me all the time. Let me ask you, okay, so do you, sorry, that's the sound of your asshole. He fucked you with a dildo. So let me, but do you worry you're gonna get attached emotionally? Are you like, this is just transactional? Can you do that? I, I can't do that. I guess I'm weird. I play everything by ear. Like, each case is a new case. Yeah. And I feel like I'm the type of person that's like, "So what if I get attached emotionally? It's a learning lesson. It's a chapter of my life." Not all people. And they're like, "Yeah, it will be chapter 15." Friends being convenient. It's like, "Just, you're always like, I'll get a joke out of it if nothing else." I, I'm not gonna lie. Really? That's like how I feel. Like, if it's for the bit and it's for the plot, okay. If I fall in love and I marry this person, okay. Like, at the end of the day, you can't plan that out anyways. I'm gonna catch feelings for this person. I'm not for this person, you know? Yeah. Fuck it. So let me, okay, so you meet this guy, you go back to his hotel room. See, I, I get a little bit delusional when I, when I hook up with someone. At least I want the delusion that you're not with anyone else. Oh, I play house. Have my husband with anyone else? Completely. No, we're married and we're planning our future. And I get into it too. I'll be thinking like, "What if?" Like, whenever they got married. Like, I fully, I'm playing house. Every time I'm fucking someone. I really don't like it. It's the only way to get men to choke you these days. Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. You have to make crazy. Why, Whitney? I know they pretend now. They do like this little fake joke where like, "No, I have to lean into your hand." Oh my God, it's so real. Have you ever? And then you have to like act. You have to like, uh, yeah, I'm breathing. Yeah. Like, I want to see some stars pop a blood vessel in my eye. And that's where I'll catch a feeling. Come on. I want you to bring me to the brink of death and back. Absolutely. That's the only way I'm gonna feel anything. You know what I mean? I like a sweet. I love you sex. Like, it is sweet. It's good. But like, if that can't be all it is, I might go back. I like a little bit of everything. And you never know when. Absolutely. You. I was thinking about you the other day because you were talking about when you sucked your baby daddy stick for the first time. You were telling me this that like you were like, "Really hitting the Glock Glock 9000." You know, shout out Call Her Daddy. I do. Just tears. And then he was like, "Joker face." And then he just looked you and he was like, "You don't have to hurt yourself or something." I don't. Maybe have a sucking dick when I was thinking about this. I don't know. It was too different. This is actually an ad. That's two different stories in one. This has happened to me twice, actually. One guy, hi. Um, he was, he did do theater, so I probably should have known. Um, and I, yeah, I went down on him and just did like the very, like, this, you know, whatever. Yeah, you got to get the goods. Just the quick, like, yeah, yeah. And there's that penthouse spit. And then he went, "Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no." Uh, "I actually am not into when women hurt themselves." What did you do? Did you just kiss it? Like, I just was like, "You're staring at the dick." You're like, "Carrying the four dividing my children." I'm not into hooking up with gay dudes. Yeah. So how about that? Okay. That's, that's so fast. And then, yeah, new dude. He didn't even let me go any further. Like, he was sitting on the edge of the bed and I kind of just like went down and he, he went down with me and like met me. Now he's like, "Oh, no, no, you don't have to do that." I love it. You're also calling them like the father of this child. New dude. [Laughter] I lost the baby. Oh God. It's like something feels caught. God, I'm crying. If you have a miscarriage before my eyes right now, will I tell the story for the rest of my life? Yes. Will I be concerned? Yes. Oh God, she's probably got like an ICU up in this fucking conglomerate mansion. It just hung itself on the umbilical cord. Hearing the story of how little its mom respects itself, herself. I don't. I don't see gender. Um, and so, so you walk in and he's a French guy, dude. And he opens up like a Pandora's box of sex toys. That's the thing I can't get past. I know. It's like the French Carrot Top. No, you like. I think so. And why would I still fuck Carrot Top? To say, have you fought Carrot Top? I haven't. I really thought it was gonna be. I have, but I wrote a lot of really brutal jokes about him for the Flavor Flav roast. He was on one of the Realms. It was pretty bad. I love your life. I love your life. I'm into Carrot Top. I fuck with that. Child. But so do you. Does that make you feel like less special? Well, he told me, and this could be a lie, but here's the thing, okay? He's nerdy. Like his look is nerdy. Like he looked like Timothy Chalamet was on, like Best Buy's Geek Squad. So you're a pedophile. I don't get the Timothy Chalamet thing. Like, oh my God, that's fair. I could break him in half. I don't know. Same age. Same age. But, um, skinny. Always have big dicks. Always like a horse. Every time. And it's, it's just guaranteed almost, you know, with everyone else. Your plan. Well, not everyone else, but a lot of other archetypes of men. You're playing a guessing game. Yeah. But if they're tall and skinny, you know. Well, because you're like, they have nothing to prove. They're not like in ketosis 24/7 doing burpees. Like, what are you making up for? Yeah. It's, it's beautiful. Um, he told me he's only ever fucked like six girls. And I, I don't. Sorry, these all for it. Could be a blame my. I don't care. He fucked me so good. He can fucking tell me anything. And I would just be like, "Okay, slay." I mean, girlfriend. Guys tend to be better at sex in general. I do agree with that. Yeah. He gave. It's so weird to say that somebody who put a double-ended dildo in my ass and his ass gave innocent. Full Requiem for a Dream pass. But he gave innocence still in like a weird way. You know what I mean? But I don't know. She doesn't know what I mean. I might be like, "But if he's putting." Okay, so you brought up butt plugs. I'm still kind of confused. What do they do? Is the idea of a butt plug that it makes your vagina smaller from the inside? Do you know? Like when people have like those little charms on their phone and they do nothing but they're cute. They have no, they have no sole purpose. In my foundation friends. Yeah. Correct. Like that's what I feel like a butt plug is. It's just like a fun accessory. Like they're just like, "It's hot." Like they're just looking at it. You know, you won't fart. Well, that's also very fair. And I kind of, I'm down for like a thumb in the ass. Like, I think it's fun. And like a little butt plug gives the same. It's nice. It's nice. And I thought the idea is that you put it up at an angle so that when he's having sex with you. I'm trying not to curse because YouTube demonetizes fucking everything now. And I'm just like, so when you're winning, the idea is that it goes up and then his penis hits it. I didn't know that. But that sounds so right. Do you think it's just like, you're just unplugs? You just think it's like garnish for the asshole? Like, in my head, it's giving like corsage on a prom on a prom suit. Like it really, like the apple in the pig's mouth when they cook it. Like it doesn't really enjoy. Like, like rhinestones above the eyebrows for no reason. I've always just thought a butt plug was like serious asshole decor. How big are they? I feel like. God, they vary in sizes. Yeah, they do. Definitely. But I think that this. I mean, also, did I really do have that smoke or wheeze? Dude, she's just clowning me for my. Absolutely. They pull up and I like go to open the door and I just hear [Laughter] fucking licious. If I show up next time with a ventilator, I think it's five hours. This is the Rodney Dangerfield showing up for the box. Like, I'm so. Why? Oh, my. I mean, it's sexy. It's good. You're gonna die soon. Someone's like, "How is Santa?" "She took her last breath on my podcast." I mean, there was an article saying kids were just dying from vapes in high school. And you were just like, "Nah, fake news." No, I read it with the vape in hand, bro. I was like, "Damn." Fuck for them. I need to stop. But no, you don't need to do anything. Do it whatever you want to do. Yeah. I don't think you know. I don't think people normally stop stuff when they're like, "I need to stop." You'll stop when you're like, "Ready to stop." Yeah. Or just deathbed. You know? Yeah. I don't usually stop things. So it's like, too bad. Yeah. But let me ask you, okay, so he pulls it. I guess to me, butt to butt. There's so many things you need to quit before vaping. There's like one. It's like 99 problems and the vaping one. Right? That's so fast on the list of things being like, "What are we talking about right now?" And I really debated telling the story because I knew it would just supersede me. Like, it'd be six months from now and it'd be like, "So tell me about the French guy." But I had to. Well, okay, so I can tell you my weird French stories. But I guess to me, I never. I like putting up something in a man's butt. I think that would be where I. Oh, I've pegged. I've done it. Uh-huh. It just went. I just disassociated. I'm really sorry that you. I know you just saw God in the hat man and everyone behind me like, "What? How did I get here?" I guess I need such a like animal. Like, I don't know. It's a little bit. No, no. Here's the thing. I have to know. They also have that dog in them before I get there. Like, you can't be a bitch and want it. Like, you've got to be like, you've got to dominate. You've got to show me first that like me pegging you. So nothing in comparison. Doesn't mean you have to put on the costume. But you don't have to put on like a strap-on. Right? Like Bluetooth ones now giving you cancer. The last time I picked someone, it wasn't. Fuck, Whitney. I just wanted to talk about stand-up. Let's talk about that. No, no, no. It's okay. The last time. If you stand up after your escapades, maybe we wouldn't be in this jam. This one like was like, "Okay, so it's like, fuck, you're not getting monetized on this one." Seriously. Have someone else. It's just going on. Yeah. There's so. It's like the strap-on and then like a little like hook 'em a thing. A hook. Yeah. That just goes like around to your butt. Yeah. It stays on. So it wasn't like the whole stick. Okay. I would do the whole stick, though. It's kind of funny. Okay. And that's the thing as well. The first time I ever picked someone, it was like, "I just want to see if I can give this motherfucker to do it." Sure. Sure. You know, before I break up with his ass. Yeah. I'm in a weird place where to me, the kinkiest shit is just like straight missionary. Well, you're pregnant. Yeah, that's true. Like, I hope you've gotten the majority of things out of your system. Yeah. Uh, yeah, it's weird. Things evolve and change. Like, things change like what you're into. Like, I don't know. Like, I, I'm no, I'm in. I'm jealous. Like, I'm into when I was like, in my 20s, I was just like, "What do you want me to do?" I was just like, "Ah, I didn't know." I was like, "So insecure about my body and so just like, I didn't know." I mean, I, yeah, I get what you're saying. I feel like in my, I'm trying to get things out of my system. Yeah. I'm like, "Done." At this point. That really was kind of an anomaly. I'm try. I've been really wholesome sexually. Not really wholesome. That was. I just lied to you. But like, the shit that I'm into. Isn't it weird where if someone lies and said, "I just lied," you'd like them more than if they hadn't lied at all? Yeah. I fully, fully agree. It's a little grit. And it's also, it's like a little like trick you can do to make people think you never lie. Yeah. I lie. So now. But now if you lie in the future and don't say, "I just lied," I'm like, "She's so honest." Whoa. She's so honest. She like tells me when she lies. That's why honestly, I never thought about like that. So true. Brooke does that. She's so much smarter than me. She taught me that. It's really smart. She taught me. "I just lied." Yeah. It's really. I'm the kind of person that does that. Will then lie and not tell you they just lied. Yeah. It's kind of genius. I, I try not to lie about serious shit. People, real interactions, big shit. I love a fun lie, though. Like, my Uber driver's gonna think I'm a fucking surgeon. And you know, I fully disassociate other personalities when it's like an Uber driver or someone else. Because why not? You know what I mean? That's, yeah, that's where it's okay.

Now let's get serious here. You heard the Doctor Drew episode last week. I came forward, uh, as a predator against myself. I came forward against the sexual assault I have committed towards myself during my pregnancy. Um, it's, it's a, it's a corny thing. And I didn't really know much about sex toys until Chelsea Lynn, AKA Trailer Trash Tammy, came on the podcast. Introduced them to me. Now I don't leave my house because there's really no point. Funlove.com is the leading online retailer of sexual health and wellness products, offering a wide array of premier brands of toys, lingerie, and accessories. Look at this. Look at all the stuff I got from Fun Love. This is date night. Date night sex toy. What a great, genius title. Look what else I got. I don't know how this is gonna look now that I'm pregnant, but I'm gonna have to try it out. I got some lingerie. Look at this lingerie, dude. Look at that lingerie, dude. That is hot. With the, um, garter belts. Come on. Get out of here. Look at this. Don't make me. Don't make me chase you. Even when doves cry. This is a little whip. I'm gonna use this on my baby when it gets out of line, okay? This is my favorite thing about Fun Love. They sent me a package of a couple of my favorite things. They sent me a stroker, which is like a flashlight with my face on it with my mouth open. [Laughter] So we can, you can act like it's my mouth and you're putting your dick in it to shut it up because you've had it with hearing bop, bop, bop. I get it. Here's a ball gag, which is everyone's dream of what I would wear during the entire podcast. These aren't even sex toys. These are just for all the time toys. Funlove.com is where you can explore an amazing selection to find your sweet spot, rev up your romance, and keep the passion alive. There is something to satisfy any desire at Funlove.com. So what are you waiting for? Don't make me chase you. Explore, discover, indulge, and make love fun. Oh, well, does love have to be involved? I see what they mean. Make lust fun by visiting Funlove.com. For a limited time, my listeners can save 25% off your first order. That's a lot of percent off. My kink is saving money too. I mean, if it doesn't turn you on to buy something that turns you on at a lower price, we're never gonna get along. Enter code Whitney at checkout. Go to Fun Love, F-U-N-L-O-V-E.com and use code Whitney to get 25% off today. That's Fun Love, Funlove.com. Two things I don't normally have fun and love in one place, but together it works. Funlove.com. Promo code Whitney. Save and make fun love today.

Okay, what do you want to talk about? Because I feel like I've ambushed you with this. No, I, I expected nothing else. It's Whitney Cummings. I would tell you anything. And I came on to talk about Parisian dildos in my asshole. And that's just out on that. Yeah. The friend guys. French guys don't play around. They're wild. They really. I, I learned a lot. Yeah. And it, it was all of August off. Yeah. It was damn really wild. Yeah. Dude, they take the whole month off. It was just crazy. I really needed that. It like, it was a reset for me. I don't know how you seem happy. Like, you know, when you put your iPhone in like rice and it like comes back a little better than ever. That man put me in rice. I'm into this. Like, I'm serious. I am really happy. You seem really happy. I feel like I feel like last time I saw you, you just had a lot on your plate. Shoulders. Yeah. For sure. For sure. Things are pretty good right now. You need a good rum springer. This is also for sure. This is also just a great day. I'm happy to be here. That was so like corny, but I mean it. Yeah. Also, look, you're made of caramel. What are we doing? There's a wig. Okay. Um, I'm in my wig area. Okay, guys, this this wig's name is Candace. Okay. I'm Candace. Okay. Yeah. Um, the real truth is that I bleach my hair so hard because I never had a father, obviously. Yep. And I'm bald. Yeah. Naturally. You know, and we're gluing in, we're taping in, we're sewing, and we're putting all the extensions. And she's got to take a break sometimes. But here's the thing. I literally, I look like Mr. Clean. I'm bald. So we're, you know, and I, it's fun. You know, I've been Tana. First, I went so bald when I was bleaching my hair over the pandemic. Yeah. Um, blue and blue, every color, by the way. And then I just had these like little French fry hairs. Oh, yeah. And then I had the keratin bonds. Yeah. And then, and then I just chemo head. Yeah. Before. These are all kinds of clip-ins. Yeah. No, I'm your Make-A-Wish child right now. It looks good. Um, thank you. I, I'm, I'm actually shocked. I don't necessarily love and live and laugh for a brunette. Yeah. I think it's just, I feel like me when I'm blonde. Or were you born blonde? Yeah. Nah, like a dirty blonde. But then, you know, really took it there. I saw one episode of Hugh Hefner's fucking E! reality show and I said, "Get that shit on my head." You know what I mean? I never really looked back. But I, I don't know. Yeah, like, even just, I feel like somebody's auntie. Are you okay? Are you the hard Marilyn Monroe? Marilyn Monroe? You Marilyn Mojo? I don't. Um, if I am, that's a sad society. I'm into this. Here's the thing. I don't. Yeah. So it's just new wig, new week. Each week you might see me with a different hair color. I'm trying them out for a second. I'm into it. Yeah. Your skin looks. Bleach my hair on Friday. But okay. Yeah. I like what's happening. And then how long does it take to shellac that shit? It was such an interesting process. I told the girl who did it that if I ever do it again, I will need a Perk 30. And I'm not kidding. Or like a, at least a full Xanax. Like, I'm talking like soccer mom. Like your kids are old enough, you're mixing it with the wine. Like, I need that Xanax cocktail in any bar. Yeah. For real. Like, it hurts. It, it really, really hurts. Like, my shit's like cornrowed under this. There's a cultural appropriation scandal right under this. You know, so if it hurts more to look like Smithers. If, if the views are down, I can just rip it off. You know what I mean? But like, fuck, dude, I don't. It was, it was a painful and interesting process. It sucks because the things that women put in their hair because they've gone bald make you more bald sometimes. Just like how fake eyelashes rip out your real eyelash. Absolutely. You're just like, "How do I?" Because I'm like a hairless cat. Yeah. What should I put on? Everything ever. You know? But the tour, tour is going really good. I, I don't know what it is. I toured a lot when I was younger and I love it. It's so fucking fun. It's so rewarding. The adrenaline is so great. The highs are so great. The meet and greets are people. It's fun as fuck. You know, and I, I say that all before I say this, but like, it is very easy to get burnt the fuck out if you don't really manage it properly. And I, I'm just older now. I hadn't toured since before the pandemic. So it's like, it's been like some years. And sincerely, my body just doesn't have it. Like, we, we did. Looks like three shows. It wasn't. Um, we had, we were doing multiple shows. What we did Connecticut and Pennsylvania. And it was five shows in a row. No day. So you did like two shows a night. Two shows or one night, two shows. And I, another show. Yeah. Like, just this whole clusterfuck for five days. And it was great. It was like amazing. But like, that fourth midday, you know, where it's like, you've done the two shows, you got no sleep, you sprintered to the next city, you did the two shows, you got no sleep. When you're on that fourth day of that, it's just eating from the vending machine of the lobby. You're just like, "Yeah, yeah." Like, and I'm just, "Oh, I'm such a cunt." You know, like, you're just so fucking tired until you have to get on that stage and turn it on. It's like, "Oh my God, please no one talk to me." Like, I think the key, like for me being on the road, it's like, I just have to be really boring. I'm in my room the whole day. I don't talk to anyone. I don't text anyone. Yeah. That's how much I have to like conserve energy because I know how much I'm gonna have to output. That's what I learned. I think I did this like first run thinking I was like in the doors back in the day, you know what I mean? Thinking I think I was like Jim Morrison, like just we really raged, you know? And my like parting after partying after drinking crazy raging. And in the moment, it's such a good fix because you have no energy and you get drunk and then you're like, "Fuck yeah, let's do this show." You know, sometimes it helps because the next night if you have two more shows, you can go, "Last night we went to this bar, we did this." And it's a great like opener to like experience the city and talk about. I fell out of the fucking sprinter. I was bleeding everywhere. I have something going on from it. So it's not cute. Don't touch me. I think I have MRSA. Seriously. But, um, you know, it made for, it does make for all these great stories. But this next run we're about to go on, I'm flipping the script. I'm giving green juice. Plants. Don't. This is Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Cleveland. I love you guys, but there's not a ton to do at all. You're going to be raising it. Maggiano's. Cincinnati is fucking. Cleveland. Actually, Cleveland is really fun. Stop. So is that. I have to go in the hotel room. Stop. Here's the thing as well with me. I love a ratchet fucking run-down dive bar. Like, I don't know the like fun pop and shit, you know? So it's like, take me to fucking Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and I will turn this bitch into Coachella. Like, that's the problem. And it's, yeah. So I'm gonna try it in a wholesome, boring way and see which, which way works for me more. I guess I'm sort of a dork. Like, I figured out like, I don't know, it's maybe like eight years ago. Like, I look at my day as like, I start my day with a certain amount of energy dollars. Like, I have a hundred dollars. I have a hundred energy dollars, period. And then so it's like, I go to the gym, that's five energy dollars. I talk on the phone. I have these two meetings. I do this like writing. I do a podcast, that's like 25 energy dollars. So it's like, by the time it's five o'clock, it's like, if I need 40 energy dollars to do a show, like, I cannot do anything until that. Like, yeah, you just have to know what depletes you and what energizes you. And being on the road, by the time I'm like on one flight and get to the hotel, I'm like, I'm exhausted. Whenever someone asks me why I love you, I'm just gonna play them a clip of that. You like, "Will Dr. Like, because you're the funniest person ever and you'll be so wild and insane and terrible with me, but then you will just drop a bomb on me like that that like I will never forget for the rest of my life." But it's also like a great way to protect your energy because it sounds like, "Hey, let's get a drink before the show." You're like, "I'm at capacity on energy dollars." Yeah. It's amazing. Even I think you're so crazy. They're not even gonna keep trying. Or they're like, "Thank you for putting it that way." Like, "I just don't have the energy." Like a man, it's like, "Oh my God, let's hook up." That's 15. I don't have. I don't have any. Yeah. I have it again. But it's like, it's just that we only have a finite amount of energy. And I think when you're on tour, you get so excited, you get so adrenalized. And then, yeah, like you're like signing posters before the show and everyone wants to come say hi. And then by the time you get on stage, you have nothing to give. And the people that paid to see you, you're like, "I'm so sorry. I gave all my energy to all the people at the bar next door who didn't buy tickets." Yeah. It's like, "What are you doing in town?" It's like, you know, dude, should ever. I really, I think that operating the tour with this mentality, which I already knew, is how I'm planning on continuing the rest of my touring career. I can't. Can't be Vin Diesel. I can't be fucking insane. I can't. I've gotta like, if I operate without mindset, I think everything will go great. Yeah. I think it's just a matter of like, like traveling. We get paid to travel. We don't get paid to do the show. Yeah. The show's a blast. I would do that for free. I would meet the fans for free. But it's like getting on the plane and is it, duh, where's my thing? And it's just like, yeah, it's a lot of even though hotels, you get to the hotel and the thing and where's my shit and you're living out of a bag. And I forgot underwear and the toothbrush. It's just sort of like, it's a lot of energy. Yeah. And just clusterfuck and trying to do all of your other work, you know what I mean? And then you get back to LA and it's like, I'm doing 38 podcasts this week because I was just gone. Like, you know what I mean? Like the balance of it all has come. And you probably fly in the day of some of them. Yeah. Like a lot of them. Yeah. And that's what fucks me because I'm like, flying the day before I is a game changer. Yeah. It's just like, "Oh my God." I don't know. I'm like, such a whore about sleep. Like, I could sleep for 18 hours every single night if I need. That's the key to your success, isn't it? Like, well, but I'm weird. Like, all week I'll like get three hours. And then like Friday night I'll sleep for 18. And then wait for people that can make up for sleep. But like, I also look 40 and I'm 25. You actually. I say that too. Her voice went a little higher. Her head. I know. I don't know. I know what you're doing because I do it. And as someone that has been accused of looking 40 since I was 18, I think it's also your energy and the way you can control yourself and carrying the drama. And like my smile lines because our parents treated us like we were 40. Yeah, we were five. Yeah. Smile lines. I didn't see that. Yeah. But I know we all. I've got my shit. I'm like this dimple on the side. And I was like, "I don't see it." Whatever. Yeah. But like, it is the energy. It's the way you can port yourself. And the feedback that I get when I, when I, I'm like, "Because I look 50." Everyone thinks I'm 50. The people that I trust always go, "You've accomplished a lot in a short amount of time." And it does seem weird that you are the age you are. Yeah. That's really nice. It's like, that's based on your appearance. It's more your energy and what you've accomplished. When I remember that you're 25, I'm always like, "Really?" But it is more. I've been hearing about her for so long. I started hearing about her when she was 18. Like, what? That's so fucking crazy. Like, had I known that at the time, I really grew up on you. Like, I really did. It was you and Chelsea Handler. Were two of my biggest inspirations. Wild. Like, two of my biggest inspirations. It's so fucking crazy to me that like I just get to see you and you're just like, "I send you a mess and make money." Yeah. The Bible. Bible. I swear to God. I swear to God. I mean, Chelsea inspired me a lot too because Chelsea just did not give a fuck. That's really. That's. Yeah. Did not. You guys give a fuck. And I gave like, I, I've struggled with giving too many fucks. I think for a while. And like wanting people to like me. And what, what you, what I realize is the more you try to make someone like you, the less they like you. Yeah. It's just repellent. Like, it's repellent energy. You can't control someone's opinion of you. And the less you care, usually the more they like you. But I kind of always was sort of like, "No, I don't want to upset this person or offend this person or, you know," because it never conveyed that way with you. Like, it's very shocking to me. Interesting. Or at least for me, I never thought that I was like Whitney Cummings from day fucking one. So that's, that's really interesting to know. And maybe just because I had to like run a business outside too. And it's like, you know what it's like to like be on stage or you know, be performing and do what you do. Give a fuck. And then all of a sudden you have something that works for you or with you. And you're like, "Well, I don't." They're not comics. They're not going to.

Get it, yeah? Are they going to think I'm rough? Are they gonna think, you know, because I play rough? Yeah, that is hard. I definitely let everyone know, ever, who works for me, within the first week, like, "Hey, I'm fucking crazy." I sign all these pieces. I'm white Lizzo. Sign up all of this right now.

Um, Lizzo, now that I'm pregnant, I actually am. Yeah, she has these pants. I feel like, um, that makes me really happy. Like, because I look at you and I'm just, I, I, that's so funny because I look at you and I'm like, "I love her," and you're like, "I love the people that you love." Yeah, I love you so much. It's, it's, you're fucking incredible, Whitney. You really are. That you just do this. Like, you have. Are you afraid of anything? What are you afraid of? Bugs. I'm terrified. YouTubers being afraid of bugs? A couple times I just got, I just got Lily Singh's afraid of bugs. Do you think I'm anything like Lily Singh? Just, just a quick question. Like, she just, wherever she is right now, she just clenched knowing I'm even saying her name. I actually just lost a brand deal because I said her name. Like, for a fact. Oh my God. Liza Koshy too. But I would say Colleen Ballinger, but she's got a ukulele and eight children around her. And are you guys? I don't know. Ukulele on YouTube usually means you're gonna, the FBI is after you, from what I can tell. That is so true. That is, dude, I don't. I'm sorry to talk shit about Miranda Sings. I'm not. No, we can cut this out. I'm super not about it. It's just unfollow, which is today's currency of, uh, to me. It was like the Ellen thing where everyone's like, "Ellen's mean," and it was like, "Huh? Like, duh. Whatever." It's like, "Ricky Martin's gay." We're like, "What?" Yeah, like, "What's going on?" It was like, "This girl is offensive." And like the girl that would be like, "I was like, what?" Yeah, dude. This is batshit crazy. This is batshit. Oh my God, that's so, so. It is really hard to offend me. I was like, "Damn, that's fucking cold." As I should be like, "I'm stupid." I'm like, "What? What's the skill?" Yeah, the 100, 100. And then make it like weirdly sexual. And the audience is all kids. Like, it was just, she was like, "56." Yeah. Yeah. I was also like, "What?" I didn't like, I didn't know anything about all the crazy shit she was doing on stage and the sexual shit and whatever until like now. It is like, you're right. Like, there's 50 of it that's like, "Duh," and then the other 50s that was her act. Yeah. And it was like, "Why is your lipstick all over the place? Like, what's happening?" Like, I was like, "I guess I just don't get it." Yeah. It's, I don't think, yeah, I don't think anyone ever got it. You know, people just blow up so hard that it's like undeniable that there's success there that you're all like, "Oh." Everyone's like, "Oh yeah." But I also think you have to understand the kind, like, the not the value of whatever the view is. Like, are people going, "What is this?" Are you getting 10 million people going, "What is this?" "I love value of the view." That sounds like a Tai Lopez book. Who's that? But you know, the guy in the garage with all the cars and he tells you how to make money, but like he definitely has no money. And everyone buys his like little plants. What's this new thing? Basically me in 10 years. Okay. Are you brainstorming your vision board? What's happening? But also, that'd be a great story arc. Is this another bald man who works out, who takes private jet photos, who has 2.5 million followers for no reason? Like, essentially. But he's like the father of them all. And he's like, "Hustle. Grind." Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. I can't. You'd make so much fun of him. You need to do it. One, one little. I can't with all these motivational men named like Gabe and Todd. It's all with Gary Vee. And they're all saying things that women have known for 2,000 years. Yeah. So they're like, "Take deep breaths when you're stressed." We're like, "We used to give birth in the woods." But yeah. Yeah. That's breathe. It's Lamaze. They're like, "Just breathe in and out." "Drink water." We're like, "Yeah, no shit." And they're charging $19.99 a month for it. Making so much money. And like, like Patreon. Well, and just like the plans. It's been around for so long. What the what? It's like, like, it's like, "Just expect you to know about this."

[Laughter] What I'm realizing from this conversation is I am gonna leave and do this. So you're gonna have to look the other way. But, um, like it's like a PDF or like a book or a seminar or an online seminar where they are selling like, "Pay to be like me. Get my tips and tricks." Like, "You want all these Lambos?" Yeah. "We'll teach you how to launder money." Also. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. It's like a Scientology for crypto nerds. Yeah. Essentially. And just losers who think, "What's your qualification?" "None." It's just like, "Some guy." Yeah. Just one guy. White guy. Rented a jet down in Van Nuys to shoot for the year. Gucci belt. Every time. Every time. Ferragamo slides. I could like paint it. Oh my God. The guys. I think I'm sincerely gonna do this though. Like, imagine I did this, but it was like, "How to manipulate men." What's our last name? Tai. T-A-I. Lopez. Okay. God, there's always a dog that's not theirs. Oh, he's a French Bulldog. Like, he's there's like in a cold plunge all day. Yes. Yes. You know that Lambos don't go over speed bumps? You fucking dorks. Do they not? No. You can't. You're useless. You can't go over a speed bump. Or maybe it's fine. It's so low to the ground. If you go over a speed. I think it was Brendan Schaub. Like, we were going to the comedy store when I picked me up. Maybe it was in the other one, the Ferrari. And he was just like, "Going around this website." That's embarrassing. That's embarrassing. And then it was like, I was like, "Oh my God, pick me up in your hoopty Prius." That's so embarrassing. That's so embarrassing. I did not know that. Yeah. This guy, um, whatever dude. I don't know. It's like, it's like Tony Robbins. It's just like, all it's just like they're like hucksters. Yeah. 100. 100. Okay. So in like Jordan Peterson's his like hero. Yeah. Jordan Belfort. Even maybe. I think Jordan Belfort went on to do that when he hit like zero. Started selling plans. Y'all know I'm obsessed with Liquid Death. It's all over my tables. You should see the inside of my car. The inside of my car is literally just cans of Liquid Death everywhere. I'm completely obsessed with them. I don't do coffee anymore. Um, because I don't want my child to come out the Tasmanian Devil psychopath. So I've been doing the Armless Palmer. Get it? Armless Palmer tea. This is the shit. Am I? I'm allowed to curse in these, right? And then the Berry It Alive. The. Have you tried this one? No. This is. Oh, dude. The Berry sparkling water. Ah, I hate everyone.

[Music]

We're fine. I'm a people person now. So good. This is my other obsession too. The Severed Lime. This is like, it's like, uh, it kind of tastes like Sprite, but there's no sugar. It's like limey water, you know what I mean? Also very fun to carry around. Liquid Death. But yeah, while pregnant, because everybody thinks it's alcohol or beer or something. And just watching people either not say anything and just be cool with it. Like, I've had a lot of people come up to me, they're like, "I, I drank wine every night during my pregnancy." And I'm like, "Ah, this is water. You shouldn't have done that." "I thought your kid's eyes were a little close together." "I'm just going to tell you that anyway." You'd be surprised how many people are like, "It's fine. I smoked weed every day." I'm like, "Uh, now I have to testify in this trial." I love Liquid Death. Also, they donate a portion of their profits from every can sold to help kill plastic pollution. I drink this instead of coffee. Makes me cooler than you. You can find Liquid Death's healthy beverages on Amazon or a retailer near you. And good for you listeners, get 20% off their first Liquid Death apparel purchase, which by the way, are so cool, exclusively at LiquidDeath.com/Whitney. Exclusions may apply. That's LiquidDeath.com/Whitney. Real quick, my friend Kate Siegel, who I went to high school with, she's been on the podcast before. And, um, she knows that I, uh, have Liquid Death as a sponsor on the podcast and how much I love them. And she sent me a video that her nephew made that features Liquid Death. And we're gonna play it right now. This is how cool Liquid Death is. The kids love it.

Now introducing Liquid Death. Are you hardcore? Hardcore? Are you? Oh my God, we're drinking hardcore. Flowers.

[Applause]

You can drink it. You can freeze it. Solitaire. Evaporated.

[Music]

Because it's just water. Hardcore water. Liquid.

[Music]

I feel like if you want advice on how to be successful, ask people that have no, like, had to work twice as hard to get half as far. Yeah. And somehow, despite being thought of as unlikable and all the things, still made it. It's not that hard to get successful as a guy named Tai Lopez. I know that's facts. Absolutely. Like, I'm taking my advice from like a Paul brother. Before I never, like, you know, at least they, at least we're just like, "All day, everyday strategies." Strategy. I don't have time to write a fucking pamphlet for you because I'm so busy trying to keep my head above water. That's just saying. So, do you think people say that you look older than you are? Does that bother you? I had a scandal, um, when I was like 19. Daily Mail. I'm talking, I'm talking like, real, like, just like scandalous. It went real journalism, sincerely. Everywhere I went, it was like, it was really like people really believed this that I was fully lying about my age. Like, I had to post my ID at one point, I think, like on Twitter and be like, "Leave me alone. Like, stop following me." Yeah. Yeah. And it was just, say it. It doesn't bother me. Do I? I also do recognize, you know, like, I got a lot of failure. I was like, "Sounds like Phyllis Diller." Absolutely. Like the voice. Like, I, I get it. And, and just the Vegas, like, by the time I was like, fucking 15, I was like, 25. Okay. Yeah. Smoking a cig in an alleyway. Like, what do you want? You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah. So it's all of it together. I don't really take it as an insult though. I think it's just, I think it's taking me a long time. I hate to be this person who's like, "Her people, her people," and like, try, like, it took me a long time to be like, "Oh, it's like, ultimately a compliment." I think. Yeah. You know, I think it's like people just being jealous. And like, "I need to get her on something. I need something to make myself feel better." Yeah. There's so much about how much success she has. So, yeah. There's so much they could come for. And I guess that's, I don't know. You know, it really doesn't, like, because at the end of the day, someone's gonna like me for me, no matter, you know, like, if they like me, they like me. If they don't, they don't. Like, if a guy doesn't, if he wants a little baby girl, like, go get it. You know? But, okay, you're scared of bugs. And what else? I'm so scared of bugs. Scared of, you know, you have bugs in your eyelashes and eyebrows. And I know. And if I actually think about it too much, I have to like, literally go like, "Set yourself, like, straight down." I mean, you might not with all the glue. They might have died. That's what I'm saying. Honestly, they'd have a better life anywhere but here. They just see everything I see. That's that. That's really fucking sad. I feel bad for the bugs in my eyelashes. The bugs have all died from the Vapes. Absolutely. For fucking for a fact. Oh my. I was gonna say something so fucking disgusting. Have you read a guy where, like, when you give him? No, no. Like, no. I know. Like, when you give him a blowjob, he wants you to put his dick in your eyes. Like, he's into that. Um, oh, do you know what I mean? Well, there's like, I definitely. I'm trying to think who it was. Just like these eyelash bugs. Sorry, man. No monetization. Yeah. Like, I've definitely, like, guys like slap their dick on your face. Yeah. Like, the bugs in my eyelashes have like chlamydia from a SoundCloud rapper, for sure. I hate you. Like, no question on that one. Like, it's just like a floppy. Yeah. Like, yeah. Thing. Yeah. It's like those, those face rollers. What is that? What if you just took our tits and we're like, "Yeah." Like, what's with the? What is? I mean, it's just like, I, I really have to take a lot of denigrating stuff in the bedroom to like, restore the power dynamic. Oh, you're so. This is such a boss. Like, I feel like I, I have to take a lot. I think that's why I do like it. I feel like we've had this coming conversation off camera, you and I, like a cool six times. Like, we'll just circle back to this one. If there's like dead, dead. Are you getting fish hooked? Yeah. Yeah. There's dead air. Like, like every time you and I get suffocated with pillow too. They're holding guns to your head too. Absolutely. Knife play on a Wednesday. Like, I feel like it's like when you are so powerful in life, it's hot to have that be the only place where you're like, "Oh yeah, I'm into it." But like, you better do it for real. Oh my God. Do it for real. You touched on this earlier. No pun, but the, the fake choke. The fake. When they fake it, if they don't, if you, like, you can just see right through them if they don't mean it. And I need to pull my hair extensions. Fake it. Oh my God. That's the one place you do have to fake it. It's so fast. Yeah. Oh, every fucking time. Every. I had a clip-on ponytail a couple months ago, and that shit just came right out. He was swinging it like a motherfucking lasso, bro. And then I had to walk, imagine walking. Thank God this was like my ex and not just like a stranger. But I had to walk out of his house, like, fake ponytail in hand, get in the Uber and a bottle of wine and a fake ponytail. And it was like, "How are you?" I was like, "How do I fucking look? Drive me to fucking Hollywood right now, sir." Like, "Oh, I was crying." And I just gave you the ponytail and like went to my room. Not one word. One thing about having like a lot of like fake hair lying around is when I'm driving home from something, I'll usually put it on my dashboard. You never get a ticket. It's a way to never get a ticket in Los Angeles. Always has to take care of the dashboard because like, I've seen like meter maids, like they think it's like an animal or something. Oh, that's actually really, really smart. I have a hair on your purse. No one will steal it. I love to just shock someone. Take out a clip-in. Be like, "What's up?" Like, it's great. It is great. Do you think you'll date a girl again? Yeah. But I don't know. A part of me does feel like we might have talked about this uncanceled. But I have a problem with dating girl, like with, I don't know how to explain this, but anytime, at least in my life, that I've ever dated a girl who doesn't have the same level of success as I do, they want to like wear my skin, like talk to my exes, wear my clothes, go everywhere I go. Like, they're not doing it for the right reasons. And it's like, they've always only ever had like one girlfriend and they were just like experimenting. But like, I'm the one. And it's like, no, I'm not. Like, you just, you know what I mean? Because you have something they want to be there. Like, yeah. And it's like, you know what I mean? And I just, so with girls, I feel like I only have ever had success like falling for and dating a girl if I feel like they're my, like, equal. Or do you think there's a girl out there who could be alpha to you? Yeah, but I just, I'm not into this. I don't know. Yeah, I can't think of a girl who's like hot. Like, I'd want her to be hot, but then would be alpha. I would have to be like, Martha to do her. Yeah, which I'm down for. I'm no more at the store. You might have your like Sarah Paulson moment. Like her girlfriend's like 78. You might have to like do that. Dude, I'm not gonna lie. That I've never realized that my dream threesome is Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg. Into it right now. And I really, like, I have to sit with it for a second. Which, by the way, her, you do have to watch her MTV Cribs. Because watching hers is the reason I agreed to do it at all. She's in her one of her million homes. And the entire time, and they just left it all in. The entire time, she's just talking to the cameraman, like bossing them around. "Can you back away from the wall? I need you to back away from the wall." Yeah. You can't. You can't put something on that couch. I'm gonna need you to back away from the wall. That is so fucking iconic. She's like, "And this is where I keep the dishes." "I'm gonna need you to back away from the wall." It is so funny. It's just working on the car. Right home. Yeah. It's just like, "How wonderful." Billion houses. And she was like, "You can't sit on the couch." That's not just never sitting. That is so. Made me love her. You should just started doing that to everyone. I wish you did that to me today. Like, when I walked in. She's like, "In this moment, I need you away from that glass. You're just too close to the glass." Yeah. That's so. I was like, "I love this bitch." That's she's every fucking thing. That's when you date older. Yeah. I actually want to. I think maybe not me. No. It's no. I mean, they do if they're fucking creepy. I mean, because I like, I've heard you say before. I've heard you say before, like, when you came to LA, like older guys were like, really creepy with you. I respect you. You're saying that it just happens. It did that. Yeah. I mean, I've gone through way worse. That's not what's scarred me. That's fine. It was like, I was like, "Oh, like dating age-appropriate." Like, "Never occurred to me." You know what I mean? I thought that was just like Hollywood, baby. Yeah. I got no father. You know what I mean? Yeah. But it's like, I think as you get older, sometimes, like, where you are, sometimes, like, to date a guy who's like 35 or something, sometimes, like, it's kind of nice. Yeah. Like, I, the last few guys I've dated are in their 30s. If not few. Okay, save your comment. Okay. It was, you know, but I still, I am at this weird point where men will prove to you time and time again that at least certain men, that the emotional maturity has nothing to do with the age. Like, I just, yeah. Like, one of the lot, like people that I just like recently had dated is 36. And in my, like, final text to him, I was like, "You are a man child. I just taught you to grocery shop." Like, 36-year-olds. They wear hoodies. Yeah. Uh, they drive Razor scooters. Yeah. Around. 100. They wear bracelets. Yeah. So many bracelets. There's an anklet that matches the bracelet. This is none of this is even an exaggeration. Like, you have, you hit the nail on that. You're going to Burning Man a week early. Yeah. To help set up. You sure? Mic drop. Mic drop. That's what I'm so. I'd love someone who is like mentally there. You're crashing on your friend's crap. Don't say crashing. Don't ever say crashing. No, you're 36. Yeah. Absolutely. I think at one point he was like, "The new Olivia Rodrigo." It was like fire. And I was like, "Oh my God, nothing's fat. You're fired. You're unemployed. You've been unemployed for years." "Why do you know who she is?" Yeah. No. It's, it's, you shouldn't know. "Meet me at our spot." Yeah. Like, at all. It's so fucking concerned. They don't ruin our streak on Snap. Yeah. What? It's so. That's the thing. So, like, a non, I haven't really encountered a non-LA 30. Sure. Sure. You know what I mean? I just went on a date with a guy who was like 31. And he ended up literally like stalking me and being so scary for like a week. It's tricky because if you like a guy, stalking can be hot. So valid. Talk your shit. No, because then it stops. Talking. Actually happier in my living room. And I did not. Yeah. Like, you just like showed up. Oh my God, that's awesome. Me? Oh my God. But you have to have at least like 30 million cash to be able to do. Oh my God. No. Yeah. Then it's not. It's like 50 Shades of Grey. It's like, "Follow an AirTag for you, bro." "Get me to Find My iPhone." That's not. It's not stalking anymore. And when I shit that shit out, I will just keep doing it Human Centipede style. You know? But so how do you deal? What do you do about that? What, like, what are you doing? You just say, "I need to get away for it." Like, "Please stop." Was he like showing up? Yeah. We went on like one date. And then he just, like, the first time, like, we went on one date. I didn't know what you did. Um, what's the date? What's a good date? EP and LP rooftop. Okay. Yeah. Um, exhausting. I met him on a dating app. I love a dating app. I love a Hinge. Okay. Oh, really? Let me tell you, because I, I'll weed out the ones who are like, clearly fans. You know what I mean? Okay. I want the one who's like, "What the fuck do you do for a living?" They don't know me from Adam or Eve. I don't like my Instagram. Like, you know what I mean? You need to get online. Like FarmersOnly. Yeah. You need to get a farmer. Absolutely. Like the milk's couch. Yeah. Dude, yeah. No. And so whenever I go, like, I try to go, like, two musicians. Ignore me. Two musicians. Normal musicians are hard. No, it's just literally a magician. Is better. Probably better. I know. Like, take the rabbit. Like, think about musicians. I know. I do. They literally go, "La la la la la." You know how ridiculous. Think about how ridiculous. If for a living, that you're just like, like, what? That's not. It's, I, I appreciate it. I love music. But I can't. I can't shake this one. I, it might be a lifelong issue. I'm gonna. And you think like you're God? Yeah. They all think they're God. They all think they're God. And it sucks. And I'm just deciding. You're wearing a scarf. Why? With a tank top. And it's so fucked. Because it's August 15th. Like, hang me with the scarf. I can't. Show those moccasins. Like, I don't. I can't. On what world? Every musician thinks they're Lenny Kravitz. Yeah. You're wearing a kilt. Cafe on Tuesday at 3 PM. Minecraft is barely Lenny Kravitz. Yeah. Dude, it's just like, it's too much. I need to see a collar. Yeah. That's. I know. I know. And I don't know what it is, but when I get burnt out on the kilts and the moccasins, I'll get on a dating app. I'll pick a normal guy. I find this guy. And what he's saying, he's just, "I'm some guy." Check the a Hawkeye on a dating hobby. Is six-five. You know, 31. Look like he had his shit together. His job. And his, I can't remember what it was, but his job on his dating profile was normal. Right. It's a normal job. And I go to this date with him. And come to find out. Do you know my normal job? He was like, in the Blue Man Group.

[Music]

[Laughter]

It wasn't even a joke. I'm working real job. He's like a birthday clown. So anyway, when you're from Vegas? Oh, I know. So no, I know. But so I swear to God, it wasn't going. Were they gone? It was really giving something normal. That's what she does when she were actually live. That's really fair. Um, we sit down at this thing. And I come to find out his actual job. So this man is like, six-five. No, he's six-seven. Tomorrow, right? Yeah. Six. I had him already go two tables over. And so I always think they're gonna kill me. I love a good. I need to make a series out of this. I always make my friend spy on my first dates. And I never tell the date. Come to find out, he's six-seven. So his job, do you know what he does for a living? He's a roofing consultant. That would be awesome. He is a scary movie. Have I seen? Have you ever seen this game? Uh, no. Sound guy? No. And that, that'd be so normal. He's a scary movie. He plays like the big scary monsters. Like they cover him in prosthetics. Because he's six-seven. Like monsters are so much scarier when they're small. Like Chucky. I agree. That says something about us. It's a power. Yeah. I don't know. I'm like, "I'm not scared of you, fucking goofball." Like, "What do you mean? Let's chase you. You're gonna hit your head on the door on the way." I mean, I can think easily. It's so true. Like, Chucky scares me far more than like a son. Wait, so he's a stunt man? Like, but like the, like all the Insidious movies and like all that shit. That's what this guy does. He sits in prosthetics. Foreign offer to play monster. No. And I swear to God, like his dating app said like, "Financial Consultant." You know what I mean? And so that, that's just my luck. That's a very, like, that's so descriptive there. And I was still, of course, I was still trying to catch a vibe. You know me, man. Get up, go. Uber's an app. Works all the time. No, I, I see it through. I see through the day. I'm debating on a second date. And then it just gets weird. He starts, he starts texting me like 30 times. You know what I mean? All this stuff. She's trying to. He's like, "What are you doing?" I'm like, "Oh, I have a, I have a club appearance." You know what I mean? He's like, "Can I come?" I'm like, "No, I don't want you in that 500 photos I'm taking tonight. We just went on one date." Like, it was just weird. Whatever. And then coming at me like, "So that's your job?" Like, "Did it?" You know, just all this weird shit. You said that in the text. And then that's a hard pass for me. Well, it's a hard pass. Like playing rough for no reason. More so. I think he said it on a phone call. But eventually gets away. And I'm still texting him back again. It's hard not to. Yeah. There's so much going for this man. He's so awesome. And, uh, we're texting and he's like, "Where are you?" And I'm like, "Oh, I'm at the club." Like, like it's my friend's birthday. I just showed up for a second. Like, eight minutes go by. I'm outside. I packed a bag. We're having a sleepover. Come get in the car. And then this, like, that was the energy. And that's where I was like, "Okay, we can't." He says, "We're having a sleepover." Yeah. Like, he packed a bag. Okay. He's unhoused. This man's homeless. Serious point. I don't know why I was so quick to be like, "You definitely have a home." No, he, you know what? Movies aren't being made anymore, right? There's no horror movies. They're on strike. Where? What? He's like, "We're doing a sleepover." "I need to take a shower somewhere." Pythagorean theorem. Like, my mind is blown right now. I'm like, "No way." Definitely homeless. Yeah. For sure. You won't even fit through my front door. Of course. Slenderman. What the fuck? It is. I'm trying to find you his Instagram to show you. I need to show you so bad. Okay. I'm into this. I mean, I just want to show you one. But I can't fucking find it. I like that Hinge is your shit. I think he blocked me on all of my accounts. I'm actually not even. That's unhinged. Yeah. Yeah. And they still haven't given me a brand deal. I talk about them so much. They want. That is wild. Well, because it's just like, I think I give, like, you won't find love on this app. You know? So that's that's it's. You know, no, but I mean, it's like, all practice. That's that's what I get engaged off of. Bria Bible. Yeah. Do you feel anything sad when you say this? No. But you do. So I probably should. No, no. I'm banned from Raya because I was on it at 17. I think I was giving, uh, Chris Hansen. Dude, I got banned for a while because I kept taking screenshots because I get it though. It's so hard. So then I learned how to take a photo on my computer. Like Photo Booth. Yeah. But it's, uh, now it's like, it used to be kind of lit. Like, it used to be like, it wasn't all just V-necks. When I was on it, and also a minor. It was lit. It was lit back when they put minors on it. I'm like, now they have these rules. Those like old guys. No, everyone's like from Sydney. I don't know. No, everyone. Yeah, just friend of a friend. Why are they in Sydney, Australia? Yeah. Do you know what I do now though? It is like, fuck, since I've been banned from Raya, I do it to you right now. They would put you back on. I've tried. This is crazy that I'm even saying this. But let's say I'm with like a close friend. Like, he's on Raya. I'll take his phone and I'll be like, "Show me the guys you don't want." And I'll take photos of them. And then I'll go slide in their DMs. How embarrassing. So I have DIY. You know, which is. Well, because you can go to their Instagram. Yeah. So, like, you can look on someone else's. Right. Yeah. Check out their Instagram. Your mom says we have pizza at home. Right at home. Like, it's fine. Yeah. It's, it's all like graphic designers from Copenhagen. It's the. Don't you think I couldn't make a better analogy? I'm not even. And then it's like, "To look at more." $9.99. I'm like, "I've got the cash, but like, but like, I'm good." Yeah. That's, that's a low point. Yeah. Yeah. You just call them friend passes. You just call them. It's just kind of. It's like a lot of corgis now. And it's just like, and then the. I don't. I had to stop doing the dating apps because guys are too confrontational with me. Like, "What are you doing on this app?" It's like, "What the fuck do you think we're doing here?" You know what I mean? "Why are you single?" Like, "Whoa, how many guys did you match?" It's just like, so confrontational. Yeah. I agree with that. I'm also not texting you for three months. Yeah. That's before you asked me out. That's so fair. It's like, I can't do this. It's like, "One, make sure you're a murderer. Not a murderer. Make sure you're not a murderer." Combo. Yeah. FaceTime. Make sure you're funny. Let's get it. Get the show on the road. Yeah. Like, you go to the beach. We get it. Like, it's, it's also a lot of black and white photos. Men are trying to be artists. And the headshots that the actors that are baristas. No, they're they're founders now. Yeah. Everyone's a founder. Of what? Yeah. Like, you're selling drugs. Like, you're just waiting. You're so quick with it. Missing. I mean, it's just kind of like, I, a partner. It's partner consultant. Like, no one means anything. None of it means anything. Like, you just made my coffee on Sunset. Yeah. And then I just want to be the asshole who's like, "What do you consider salt for?" You know what I mean? And then they're like, "Can you tell dick jokes?" I'm like, "I don't." Yeah. One of us is. I'm not fighting with you. We have a friend in common that neither of us like on Facebook. But it's like Tinder's like done. But you said Tinder. Tinder's just gross. Tinder's just actual like AIDS. Um, like that's just, that's even too far for me. That's saying Bumble. I don't. I don't know because you can't do dick pics and girls, girls message first. I'm sorry. No, no, dude. No, dude. We do enough. Uh-uh. Oh, wait. Enough. A guy cannot message you first. You have to message. And I almost like the first message from the guy because I make my Hinge prompt. One of my Hinge prompts is like, it's like totally fact about yourself. Mine's, "I can't ride a bike." And I weed. I love the impression you just did of that robot. Question. Miranda Sings vibes. But I make the prompt, "I can't ride a bike." So all the guys who immediately slide in and say, "Well, what else can you ride?" Immediately now. Like, it's like my own filter. Like, I can. It's a really good little trap. Yeah. It's to see if someone's an original. Yeah. Because I get everything of like, Whitney Cummings. Are you like, it's if you make a joke about my last name, homie, it's just like, it's so bad. I love a homie zone. Can you be so degrading? Can you really not? Yeah. It's like, it's like, "I like your little message." Yeah. I love Lele. Is the best. Oh my God. I love doing your little podcast. Oh my. I just did that to Trevor Wallace. He was like, "You called the stiff socks my podcast a little podcast." I was like, "Yo, my bad." Like, "I know you're doing numbers." I just, it's like, "You're a man." So I meet everything. It is like, yeah, I want to come see your little show. Yeah. Disrespect. Yeah. Little, little does it. Oh, it's all in one suite. All in one suite. Ah, Shalom everybody. We are taking a little break to talk about Shopify. The commerce platform revolutionizing millions of businesses worldwide. Whether you're a garage entrepreneur or IPO ready, Shopify is the only tool you need to start, run, and grow your business without the struggle. Shopify puts you in control of every sales channel. So whether you're selling satin sheets from Shopify's in-person POS system, which by the way, send me that site, or offering organic olive oil on Shopify's all-in-one e-commerce platform, also want to buy that product, you're covered. Um, yeah, so I use Shopify for many different things. Um, I think all the Etsy stores that I think everything you've seen in here has been powered by Shopify. My hoarding problem, powered by Shopify. Thanks, Shopify. Um, we are selling merch for the podcast and we use the Shopify website. It was so shockingly easy. I was like, "Why aren't I just like a merch mobile? Why don't I just do this?" Like, I didn't. It's to make it. To sell it. It tells you who's buying it and what they're when they're getting it. And what the problem. Like, it's, it's easy, easy as one, two, three. And once you've reached your audience, Shopify has the internet's best converting checkout to help you turn them from browsers to buyers. In addition to good for you, search. Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the United States. And Shopify is truly a global force, powering Allbirds, Rothy's, and Brooklinen, as well as millions of other entrepreneurs of every size across over 170 countries. I didn't even know there were that many. Plus, Shopify's award-winning help is there to support you. That is true. They, if you have any questions, they are right there to support your success every step of the way. This is possibility powered by Shopify. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com/Whitney. You want to start your business? Use me to help you save money on starting it. What else am I good for? Go to Shopify.com/Whitney, all lowercase, to take your business to the next level today, bitch. Go start a business. It's enough already. It's enough. Go start your business. Your soap. Your hummus. Your little figurine. Look at this. Look at all this shit I bought. No, easy it is to make shit and have someone buy it. And then you put on Shopify. You hardly do anything. It takes two seconds. So if you make little Gob, fake Gobstoppers from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. If you make wolves, lose sight wolves. I paid like forty dollars for this. Start. Start taking advantage. Excuse me. Of other people's hoarding problems. Start your business. Let's go. You have no excuse. Shopify.com/Whitney, all lowercase. Tell me really quickly though, I'm sorry, I have to revisit this. Just kind of like how you had to get back to the Dublin to dildo. Some things we just have to know. You got engaged off Raya? I got a gay try. This was probably like five years ago. To who? Um, it was someone that lived in New York. And, uh, uh, it was like awesome. He was like, great. And it just didn't work out for a couple of reasons. Care to share the reason? I mean, yeah, like I kind of sometimes I'm like, "Why did I blow that up? That was actually kind of great." Oh my God, you're so me. I'll be there. I just didn't work out. People are like, "Why?" I'm like, "I just didn't work out though." Like, "Why?" I'm like, "Me." I think it was also like, this is the boring but true answer, which is like, my dad just died. And like planning a wedding just felt sad. Yeah. Like I just could, like, every time that was like, "Who's gonna walk me down the aisle?" "Where are we?" Like, it was just, it was just sad. I think I also got a little bit spooked about the wedding of it all because I'm actually kind of weirdly shy about attention when I'm not performing. Like, just the idea of like people coming to see me do like vows and like, I just, yeah. And it's vulnerable. And you're like a tough bitch unless you need to be or want to be vulnerable with someone. It's rare. I was just performing so much at the time. Like I was like touring. The last thing I wanted to do was like go look at wedding venues and get on a plane. The one weekend I had all, like, I just felt like I was like, "Can we push the wedding a little bit?" And then I think it started feeling like I was getting cold feet. And it just started getting. Would you ever be with this man again? That's possible. She has it. Are you? Are you with your baby daddy? Into, um, look, we are. She's never given me a straight answer by the way, on or off camera. I have asked her 17 times. I don't want to be rushed into anything. Yeah. Um, I don't, for me, I just, I move real slow. Yeah. I used to move real fast. And I move like glacially slow. Basically, I can't. I can't normally. I would like try to be like, "I respect that though." I totally get that. Do you believe in monogamy? I, it's so hard. It's hilarious because this whole like polyamory, godspeed. Yeah. Godspeed if that's your thing. I just like, I, I think there's something really punk rock about being like, "Let's just do this." Yeah. And if it doesn't work, let's just stop. I agree fully. You know what I mean? Like, have you tried polyamory? Because to me, that seems like a lot of people who are too afraid to be alone. And they're just like, looking for an upgrade because everyone's always looking for an upgrade. I got like looped into someone in that situation in like a weird throw. I didn't know about this. Sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into it. And I honestly, because here's the thing, I wanted to try it out. And then I was like, "Listen, like, it's not that being with two people is wrong. Like, I'd rather be monogamous and maybe just cheat." Can I say something though? Sorry. That was a joke. I'm kind of into a monogamous throuple. That's kind of what that was. That I kind of fuck with the idea of like, we're dating. And like, I, I'm still on dating apps. And I'm still like, dating other people that you wouldn't know. And then I come home every night smelling like CK1 and Gerard Car Noir. Yeah. You know, Paris Hilton, whatever her fragrance is. Yeah. And you just like, don't know what happened tonight. You went to my house. I definitely amazed. Yeah. Exactly. Absolutely. And so I, I like the idea of like, we're a monogamous throuple. And we like have threesomes. And we all, whatever, like, love each other. I agree with that. It's like better. I think that I just realized in that situation, and Bella, I love you dearly, you know, like, so I don't know. Um, but we all just weren't very sane at the time. So with, let alone two insane people dating, let alone three. And I think, but if it was three sane people who just really wanted that, it could work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think there's something like, I don't know. I don't know. Me either. I don't know. How long did it go on for? The throuple of it all. Probably like, eight, seven months. Was there jealousy in it? I think so. I think that, and again, Bella's engaged right now, like, and is slaying to an amazing guy who I love and everything. I just think at the time, it, she, like, she liked that vibe. Like, I think that, you know, and maybe I don't know, I was just kind of there a lot. I was there along for the ride. It was really Bella and Mod's relationship that I kind of, I mean, Bella wanted to date me and him separately. And then she eventually just decided to like mesh it all. And so I kind of crashed. Whatever. And you could say he crashed. Whatever. That was the vibe. I floated. It didn't go well. Yeah. I was dating someone and then I was like, really interested in this girl. And I, you know, but if I look back, I'm probably gonna say I probably wasn't fully committed to either of them if I'm going to be honest. Yeah. And then I was sort of like, I kind of want to date both of you. Yeah. And I just assumed like, what guy wouldn't want to see, like, two girls? And he was like, "No thanks." And guys, I feel like a lot of guys will always like, they want that. They think they want that. But then they start to get actually jealous. They're like, "Oh, you love this girl? You love this girl?" Like, "Oh, no." Like, and then it doesn't, you know. Yeah. And then they're like, "That's what you do with your hands?" Yum. That's kind of crazy. It is kind of crazy. Yeah. Absolutely. That's the other thing. You're just schooling them. Yeah. Yeah. And then, yeah. And we're like, speaking in a different language. And, yeah. Let me get your eyelash. They're like, "What? You have what?" Yeah. Is that a spider on your face? Like, yeah. Then the man is only good for opening like a pickle jar. And then it's a matter of time before he kills himself. You know? Any red flags? Big red flags. Any big good advice you're getting? Whoa. You just gave me really good advice with the energy dollars. I'm not even. I won't forget that. But it's not, so it's not up to you. It's like, sorry. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like, it's already predetermined. I have a hundred energy dollars. Yeah. I had this phone call. I did this thing. I had two meetings. I needed to. If I'm gonna get more energy, I'm gonna have to take a nap from five to six before the show, which is like a big life hack. Yeah. And then sort of like, "I'd love to go out tonight, you guys, but I just don't have any energy dollars left." I know. And no one can argue with. No, that's the thing. Is I think I, I'm like a credit card with my energy. Like, I think I have it. And then I wake up.

In the morning, and I say, like, "Oh, you have a bill?" Like, because, like, if anything, I'm the one that's like, "Let's go out after the show." Like, I'm still on a high. And then, like, the next time, it's hard because there's nothing more fun than performing live for people that paid to that love you. Yeah, it's awesome. It's the best. It's the best thing in the fucking, you know? But it's just like pacing yourself. That's really, really fair. It's hard, though.

Any red flags? Any good red flags? Any good relationship advice? I heard some good relationship advice recently that in any relationship, you can be all the things. You can be jealous, you can be angry, you can be upset. That you can be all the things, but you should never be confused. Wow. I kind of liked that. Yeah, that's profound as fuck. It's like, you shouldn't be like, "Does this person want to be with me or not?" Or, "Does this person, what do they want?" That's so, so that's just chipping away at self-worth and self-esteem, and that's not okay. Wow. No, that's, that's just a fact. That's absolutely a fact.

I saw something that I really liked on TikTok, and it, it was viral. I'm so TikTok, so Gen Z. So if you've seen this, I'm sorry, but, um, essentially, it was this woman talking about how her and her husband, the way that they operate is like, people always say like, "Marriage is a 50/50." And she was saying, like, "That's just not the case." Like, if anything, the way my husband and I talk to each other is like, "I'll get home from work and say, 'Listen, I had a really long day. I'm on 20 right now.'" And he'll be like, "Okay, I'll carry the 80." Like, "Oh, you know what I mean?" Like, "I'll, I'll clean up the house. I'll, if they have kids, I'll deal with the kids." Or like, "I'll be way more patient and lenient towards your energy and so on and so forth." And then if he comes home and he says that, you know what I mean? Like, actually just being realistic that someday someone's 90 and some days someone's 10, and some days 50/50. Something that just really, like, spoke to me because I think in a lot of relationships, I haven't always had that. Like, I would, I've been with people who expect me to be like, "Yeah, a certain version of me, an ideal of me at all times that they fell for." And I was like, "I really want that." Yeah.

And the hardest part of that is number one, knowing yourself enough to know you're at 20. Yeah. Instead of being, "Oh, I'm 50. I got this." Yeah. Or there's that. And then there's also being able to ask for help and being able to go, like, "I'm not this superhero." They're like, "I'm, I need help today." Yeah. Like, "I can't do as much." I love that.

And also, there's something this guy, Stan Tech, um, I think is his name, that wrote this book about, like, the idea of like a couple bubble. Like, if you're going to a party with your person, you do a quick like huddle. Yeah. To like, manage expectations. To go and like, "Okay, you and I are together. We're like, we're going to this party. Okay, I want to stay like two hours. What are you thinking?" Yeah. "Two hours in and out? Perfect. Lindsay's here. Please don't let, don't let her corner me. Don't let Lindsay corner me." Yeah. "I definitely want to talk to Jenny. I haven't seen her in like ages. I don't really need to do all this and this." Like, "Maybe we dance a little bit. I am starving." Yeah. Like, "So if, if you see me getting cornered, can you like make sure I get some food?" "Are you hungry?" Yeah. And then you go in. And it's not like you're just going to a party, you guys separate, and then you leave and you're like, "What the fuck was that? I've been trying to leave for the past two hours." I'm not sure. Everything in a relationship, really, a couple bubble hits. Yeah. On a person who isn't wearing a kilt and no chain. One likes me. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, just like a good way to like go in and just like be like, "We're a team going into this." Yeah. Instead of like two separate people. You know when you like walking to a party and all of a sudden you're just like, both single? Yeah. Oh my God. Every relationship that was weird. Then you get in the car and you're like, "Ah, that was weird." Yeah. "What? That's every relationship I've ever been." "These are your friends." "I thought we were going to your party." And you're like, "Yeah." Like, you know what happened? "Why did you try to fuck my hair stylist?" Yeah. "I know you wanted to hang out with your friends." And you're like, "Not you're dead. You have to sit on your lap." Yeah. That's so true. That's you're like a dream. You are my favorite human being. Not absolutely ever. I'm selling a book on the way out because I've been wanting to read that. Did you actually write it? I did write my book. And that's amazing. Yeah. The way that's a compliment in Hollywood. Yeah. I know. I did. Remember it's it's two. You've read books. I haven't yet. Okay. I'm excited. You're gonna write your own book? No, no. One can write someone's. No one's up who's funny. No, no one's up here. And you'll read your own. Um, that was the hardest part was reading the audiobook. Yeah. Oh my god, dude. I got like lockjaw. If a friend of mine gave me an Adderall and I started getting all cotton, I just rescheduled. Oh my god. You can like hear the joke. It was you in Paris. Oh my gosh. Um, I thought you meant me and Paris as in Hilton. And it was like a cocaine Y2K joke, but it was a dick in pair. That was crazy. That's where I first met you. It was Paris Hilton's house. Really? Mm-hmm. And you know what? We like saw each other or something. I never remember her cooking show premiere. Oh, I believe I got fucked up. Yeah. It was during the pandemic. We were all. I did. I did horrible things with Disney stars all night. You know what I mean? And it's always a Disney. I think I brought Miranda Cosgrove. Oh, she's not at Disney. She's. But she actually was a. A man in the podcast. I love you, Miranda. Knew iCarly streaming now. That's so silly. She's the best. She's the best ever. I know. She was just really fun. Yeah. Yeah. She was super fun. Yeah. I don't remember the rest. But that's where I thought we saw each other. Now that Paris has had the baby, I can do stuff with her and I'll like remember it. And like, I don't end up like in her upstairs bathroom with like my tit out like crying about my ex like when I need him. Um, the baby might need a tit to be out. Yeah. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not hungry. It's for sure. But yeah, all the Paris back in the day, bro. You're gonna have kids. Yeah. So many. You're gonna happen. I think. Oh, interesting. I know. Dude, I'm such an adoption person. I thought I was gonna adopt. I feel like having your own kids like getting a dog from a breeder. Yeah. I, yeah, I don't need any of these genetics. I'm so Captain Save-A-Ho. As you're gonna break all the ancestral cycles. Probably true. I would do like a surrogate, though. I, I don't. I was, I was just talking to this, too, but like, I'm so hypochondriac. Like, I like, how are you? How is this pregnancy for you? It's not that hard. It's really not that hard. What do you feel right now that you didn't feel before physically? Um, a little like, I mean, you've, there's a point where you start feeling them kicking, you know, that's right. And your boobs are kind of sore. The first trimester, you're just really tired. But I think it's, this is what it took for me to sleep eight hours, you know? Yeah, that's fair. It's really fair. Um, it's not that hard. I know women have nausea. Like, I'm not like minimizing how hard it is for a lot of people, but like, you can do it. But like, I don't think that if I felt a kick inside of me, I would be like, "Oh." I would be like, "Get out." But a glass dildos. Okay. And I don't know why it is. Dude, I was exactly the same. I was like, "Never having kids. Not carrying it. Getting a surrogate. Froze my eggs when I was 33. Like, not doing this. Adopting." Like, I was, I was there too. Not that you're gonna change your mind. No, but no. There's something about you. Or when you say that, it does kind of freak me out because I believe you. I, if anyone can say that to me and I believe you, like, it's you. So I mean, if I come back on, knocked up, you know, and our kids are fucking. You won't. Like, you never. No one's ever ready to have a kid. And that's, you have a kid, then you get ready. Yeah. That's so fair. If you think you're gonna have a nepo baby because you're still loaded. Oh, mind-blowing. I'm not mad at nepo babies the way everybody else is. I don't. I don't care. Tap dance for me, bitch. Okay. We got Goop out of this. Like, why is that? That is so true. I guess it's fine. Yeah. Like, I never was operating under this, "You're gonna pull a Lori Loughlin. You have your kid. Row in the motherfucking fake books." But like, I've never been under the impression that Hollywood was like a fair meritocracy. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. It's not Nepal like that. Like, no. Start your Goop. Do your damn thing. It's more so like, I'm scared of raising a little fucking an asshole. Like, I wanna know. Dude, my kid's gonna be broke as hell. I think he's gonna stay in the attic and he's not even gonna know about this part of the house. Yeah. Ramen. Yeah. Forever. I'm telling you. Yeah. No, I'm cook. Crush it up. I mean, North Smith, like, you know, wouldn't want to perform jokes in front of him. And an award show, but he did. Um, he wasn't Oprah once and he said something that I really liked about Willow or Jaden or one of them. And, uh, one of them came home from school when they were like five and they were like, "Dad, like, someone at school told me that like we're rich." And he goes, "No, you're not rich. I'm rich. You're poor." That's how Shaq is too with this kid. I think the kids go either way. They either like work harder to try to get out of the shadow of their parents and they don't like Paris. Yeah. Like, you know, like they want to be known for their own thing. Or they're just gonna be like Chad Hanks or whatever. Yeah. You know? Absolutely. He actually works really hard. It seems like he's learned other languages. But like, that's really interesting. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't think of that way because I like, I grew up. I like had nothing coming in at this. I still think of myself as like, yeah. So do I. And that's it's actually one of my like weird little fears that like my kid's gonna be an asshole. So I feel like I'm almost gonna double down on that. Like, I'm gonna be a really chill parent. I'm gonna go black out. Do it. Yeah. You gotta just like adverse. And then I'm not sending my kid to one of these schools where they're like, kids have like Prada diapers and no one's ever been punched in the face. And it's, you need to bring that back. I have always fucking said that, Whitney. Like, I'm so for real. Like, my kid comes home and like, "Someone hit me today." And be like, "Listen, we can, we can figure this out, but I'm happy." Absolutely. Absolutely. And do I do it again? It's like what Mike Tyson said. He's like, "The biggest problem right now in society is that people can talk shit without getting punched in the face." It's so true. I feel like I can meet someone within the first 20 minutes. I'm like, "Oh, you've never been just molly." You need someone to just kind of hit you. Hit you one good time. Or just tell you to shut the fuck up, dude. Like, so many people have just never been told to shut the fuck up. My mom, when I was 10, I was such a bitch to her. Like, she was not a, you know, she was not present, you know, whatever. Alcoholism, like, it's, you know. And I called her a hooker to her face when she, I was like 10, 11 years old. She was like dating. And I, my sister and I like stole money from her purse or something. And she was like, "Give me the money back. You stole her something." I said, "Well, we're gonna get some more because you're just a fucking hooker." And she slapped me so hard. For four years, I remember going moving through the airspace and time and as I was moving through the air, yeah, going to many other vortexes, many other universes. Yeah. The first thing I thought was, "Thank God she finally stood up to me." Yeah. Like, finally. Yeah. Because guess what? Had I done that shit where I grew up in DC, I wouldn't have my face would have looked different forever. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I was so grateful. Yeah. And I'm sure. I mean, she's dead now. I'm sure it's like, people are gonna be like, "It's child abuse." I hit the wall. And as soon as I hit the ground, I actually had respect for her. Yeah. For the first time. I was so grateful she, someone finally disciplined me. Yeah. I 110% just fully agree. I think that I was like, "Thank you, dude. You saved me from getting like my ass kicked in DC by some bitches that don't give a fuck." Yeah. Absolutely. They're like, "High on Play-Doh." I know. You know what I mean? Like, "Thank you." That's a problem too with LA is just no one there. We need. We need to fly out the DC bitches and just have them for one party. Yeah. And like, people want to be friends with their kids. Your kids are your friend, dude. Yeah. Sometimes you have to pinch your kid in the grocery store. Yeah. Absolutely. I'll be in Whole Foods. I'm like, "Someone needs to pinch that guy." Enough gentle parenting, you know what I mean? Like, the kid's throwing a fire truck across the. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's like, "Oh, he just needs to meditate. His aura's red, right? He needs a Benadryl." Yeah. Six. He needs a ZzzQuil. Absolutely. Fucking. I couldn't agree more. Oh my god. I can't wait for that. That's gonna. In high school at parties, we would, uh, Vegas. Okay. Um, we would have, um, jungle juice. Like, you know, jungle juice. All the alcohols with the fruit punch. Yes. But then someone would come by and everyone can send into this. That's a crazy thing. This was not a drugging situation. Someone would come by and put like 30 fucking Xanax in the jungle juice. And then everyone drinking. And we called it Zeus. Yeah. And I'm telling you something, if my five-year-old gets frisky, he's gonna try Zeus. Yeah. Dude, I mean, our parents did like whiskey on the gums, like Orajel. Who? Yeah. Bailey's. Yeah. Something. Why not? Salt moonshine. They're fine. They used to work in factories. Like 20 years ago. Factories now. Yeah. Ever won a Fashion Nova dress? Shit says, "Help me." No, I don't want eczema. Yeah. Unless you want it. Promo code Whitney. I don't know. 13 wedding dresses at the price. I'm like, "I would like to pay more for this." Yeah. I don't want this to show up like covered in like children's tears. Yeah. And they, they will. It's too much. It really will. I could talk to you forever. But I could talk to you forever. You've got a heart out at eight. Are you already? These are probably already sold out. All your tour dates? I think it's a canceled tour. You'll add shows. We will add some shows. San Diego. We will do LA for sure. Maybe I'll come out. San Diego and Brand might still have some tickets. I don't really know what's going on. I'm just like a little tough dude. Is like, it's like no man's land. Yeah. I just did a big weekend of Brea. I love you guys, but it's like, kind of like they're. It's sort of. It's really hard to sell. I just did a huge fucking weekend, whatever, seven shows. Added two more. The point is, they're just kind of rich and like, yeah. I think they get their information from like Billboards. Yeah. I absolutely. That's the only way. I love the rich. I think like, are you doing multiple radio? Like, it's kind of a random market. That's well. I'm at the college town and everybody's kind of gone. Yeah. Well, the drunker the better. It's a big room, though. Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a lot of like conservative women with like pink mace. Okay. So if you're in, if you're in Brea, and you didn't have a dad and no money, and you want to come listen to us talk, suck a dick. Let's go. Five people there. I end these awkwardly. I love you. Don't run out. I love you. Goodbye. [Music]

Get Our Mobile App

One Night Stands and Sex Stories with Tana Mongeau | Ep 202

Transcription