Transcription
So, what happens when you don't have friends? The title was a bit of a lie. I do have friends. I just don't have close ones. I don't have people who reach out to me when I'm not at school. I don't have people who text me when they don't have to. I don't have people who call me. I don't have people who tell me their worries. [snorts] I don't have people who tell me when they're feeling down or ask me for a hug or tell me when they accomplish something awesome.
When I call my friends, they don't pick up. But right now, they're the only friends I have. So, it's really all I can do to keep them. Cuz at this point I've tried and no, I haven't really found any others, so I'm just dealing with it. But it's hard when your friends don't ask you how you are and they don't care about your day. But what's even worse than them not caring about you is them not caring that you care about them. Cuz I care about my friends so much. And it feels like none of them really care that I care about them. To them, it doesn't matter. And they show this by, like I said earlier, never telling me anything. I'll go to school and I'll hear about, you know, what happened over the weekend, how my friends were texting each other about it. And then I'm over there in the corner trying to join the conversation and then I realize that maybe if they actually cared about me, they would tell me things.
But right now, I have friends at least nominally. But in reality, I have no close friends who I would feel comfortable telling about when I'm feeling depressed or when I'm feeling down. Cuz none of them feel that way about me. Even though I've tried, I've worked hard to better my social skills. Like I've had plenty of conversations with people and I think that I've actually gotten pretty good. I'm like, I'm not the best, obviously, but I've worked really hard. It just hurts a lot. It's like a deep pain that's persistent. Some days are better than others, but then whenever I start to get really thinking about it, like I did earlier today, I just feel so lonely and that I feel as if I could die. That's honestly the biggest reason why I've wanted to die is cuz I don't have any close friends. Cuz you know when you Google about your mental health problems and everything, what you always see is tell a trusted person like your family, your friends, but I don't have any of those. I don't have a close relationship with my parents. My dad always works and my mom was kind of neglectful, so and then with my sisters, them either. I just don't feel close connection. Right now, I just don't have a close connection with anyone. And it hurts. It hurts a lot to know that I could, you know, feel super sad and I'd be crying on my bed and I'd call, I'd call a friend and they probably wouldn't pick up and if they did, it'd be super uncomfortable because like I've tried and it's always just uncomfortable for both of us whenever I try to talk about it. And so I've just kind of learned to not talk about it.
I'm trying so hard every day to make my friendships get better, but it can never seem to work. And so the point of me making this video is to anyone out there who's feeling the same way I do, who feels like they don't have any close friends, that the friends they do have don't notice them, and don't really care about them. I just want to know I care about you. And I hope that you know that I love everyone so. Should not love everyone, of course. There's a lot of people I do not like. But for people who are going through the same things, everyone who's been going through this, I feel like all of us have some kind of bond where we all know what it feels like to be so indescribably lonely. And through that bond, we have common ground. And I care about you for it. Because I know that it would not be fair of me to die. And so it would not be fair of you to die, either. Because who knows? You could be the next person.
And this video is just, I thought that maybe just sharing what I've been thinking and feeling in a video would help me feel less lonely. And I hope it makes you feel less lonely, too, even though it's kind of corny, because I know how hard it is to feel like nobody cares. And I, I can't tell you that your friends do care. I don't know them. There's a chance they don't. There's a chance they do. Like when I always see those notices that are like, "Your friends care about you more than you think they do." I know it's not true for me because I did have a serious crisis a little while back and I wasn't really, I didn't receive much support from my friends, so I know they didn't really. But I hope I find friends, too, soon. And you probably will. And if you don't, just know that I care about you, even though it sounds kind of corny. I care. I want you to know that. So, keep on just go through another day and then another and keep doing that, please.