Transcription
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Congratulations, you have made it all the way to day nine. And in this session, we're wrapping up the seven master steps with our last, but equally as important, step. Step seven: Relate to a higher purpose. Connect to an empowering environment. When creating change, you must relate to a person's highest values and help them integrate their new empowering alternatives into the environment where they actually live. Help them understand how the change relates to what they value most and to what they ultimately want to accomplish.
The primary and most powerful source of love in any individual's life, whether it's God, your parent, your spouse, your child, your best friend, or if you're an animal lover, maybe your pet, or even if you're a nerd, maybe your favorite video game. Whatever it is, this is where the largest leverage is in shifting long-term human behavior. The goal is to make sure the person is strong enough that even if the environment is extremely harsh, they can still do it. You also want to make sure that they can create an environment that supports their change.
In today's session, you will learn about the importance of peer group and standards. And also learn how to create an empowering identity in others, as well as learn distinctions to help you transform your identity as a leader and your influence as a leader in your various peer groups. So, let's get started.
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I basically try to pursue the answer to one question: What makes the difference in the quality of people's lives? What makes a difference in the quality of their performance? And I built my reputation by my ability to step into situations that seem difficult or impossible and turn people around. They came from an understanding, not so much of the skills of that sport, or the politics, or the business, initially, but more an understanding of this thing called psychology. Because, as I said before, I don't care what area of life you're talking about, 80% of performance improvement in that area is going to be psychological. 20% is going to be skill-based. I don't care what it is. Your body, how to get your body healthy, is not that complex. But you have to change your psychology from, "Well, I guess I'm a smidge overweight," or "I'm big-boned," to, "No, your butt is bigger than Chicago." Okay? Until you own that your butt is bigger than Chicago, your chances of changing are slim and none. Okay?
Because I want to show you, how many of you in this room have ever gone to make a change, and you really finally got yourself to do it, you made the change, and it didn't last? There is a very specific reason why this occurs. Because most people's idea of change is going to be very different than what you're going to experience over the next couple of days. And that most people's idea of change is a process where they use the pressure cooker. Here's what happens for most people: they keep shooting all over their self. "I should do this. I should do that. I should do this. I should do that." Doesn't change. Doesn't change. Doesn't change. So, funny, one day something happens and it makes them finally go crazy. They can't get their butt in the seat to make it to Hawaii. It hurts. They go, "That's it! I'm losing weight!" Suddenly their kid says, "Who are you?" Or, "I'm out of here!" And it shakes them up. Or they're in a relationship and the person says, "Listen, I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Shakes them up. Something happens. Somebody gets enough pain. And when they get enough pain, is the first step. What occurs is that gives them a thing called drive. That's step two. And anything you want, my friends, you can have if you get enough what? Enough leverage. Another way to talk about that is enough drive. If you find that inner drive, that is the difference in people. It's hunger.
But the reason most people's lives never get their dream is their dream is not a must. Because they allow themselves to feel good on stuff that isn't really good for them. They allow themselves to watch television or eat something to feel good, instead of saying, "That discomfort is an invitation to me to step up and really go after what I want." The reason I'm uncomfortable is I don't have a sense of meaning in my life. So watching television and distracting myself, or eating, or smoking, or drinking, is not going to solve the challenge. I got to find out what's really going on. And what that is, is I need something that I feel juiced about. I need something I feel like I'm growing and contributing to. And unless the person feels like they're growing and contributing, doesn't matter how much money they make, doesn't matter how many people think they're wonderful, none of that matters. They will not be happy.
There are two laws of not only life, but the universe. And they are immutable laws. And that is, everything in the world must grow, or it what? I don't care what it is. And most people are spending most their life in the dying process because they stopped growing a long time ago. The reason they stopped growing is they don't try anything new. They don't do anything they're not good at, right? Because they don't want to feel like they're inferior. I told you earlier, you're inferior to everybody. I'm inferior to every person in this room. That's my real gut feeling because I know you all have different life experiences than I have. So I don't have to live like, "Oh my God, what if somebody's superior? They're going to be superior, so I have to worry about it." But I also know I'm superior, as you are, to every person in this room at some level because I have different life experiences than all of you. So, and you have different life experiences, everybody here. So you're superior to everyone. Therefore, we all are what? Equal. Some of you are superior in your finances, but you are inferior in your body. Some of you are superior in your body, you are inferior in finances. Some of you are inferior in both of those, but you're superior in your relationships. But the problem is, we make ourselves feel good by looking at the areas we're superior in. You guys follow me on this? We're doing well in, and we go, "Well, you know, those other areas, it's not that bad. I mean, look at other people." When you compare yourself to other people, you guarantee that you have no life standard because you can always find somebody worse off than you.
In fact, if you were to leave now, and I were to tell you the ultimate secret to lifelong success, here it is. You want to know why your life is the way it is? Why your standards are the way they are? It's really simple. Most people's lives are a direct reflection of the expectations of their peer group. Let me say that again. Let me explain it to you.
I went about a year ago and I went spoke before the Marines at Camp Pendleton. And the general there called me up and he said, "I don't know anybody better than you are as a leader." And he gave me this big pep talk that was very ego-stroking. And I said, "Thank you, General, but I don't think I fit quite in the category you're putting me in." He said, "No, I mean, you will move these men. He said, "You come out. He said, "I've seen you before. I know where you are when you're in that state." He said, "These men will feel it from you." That's great. I'll be happy to come out and do it. He said, "I'll reward you." He said, "You know, we can't really pay you." I said, "I'm happy to come do it for free." He said, "We'll reward you. We'll get to be a boy. You can shoot all of our guns, drive our tanks, shoot the bazookas." Every man here is like, "Yeah, baby!" Women are going, "You are nuts!" So I did. I went, "Charlie's machine guns and cannons and drove their tanks and did stuff like that."
And then he called this thing together for all these men. And he did it in the middle of day, 12 noon, out at Camp, announced in this like desert area. And he didn't want a single man to miss my message. So he took these guys who had been on a four-day jungle thing out in the middle of nowhere where they didn't feed him or give them anything for two days. It's one of their personal stretches, physical stretches. They had not slept, not eaten, not any water, right? And now they're standing there in full battle gear, paint, everything else, helmets on. If you listen to me talk, I thought, "I better be good." So I get up there and I have this great time with them. And at the end, I mean, the energy amongst these men was unbelievable. I mean, unbelievable. I loved it.
And so at the end, he and I were talking. And he said, "You know, Tony," said, "Tell me something. Most of these men," he said, "you raised their standard today." And he said, "We're always getting to raise their standing." And he said, "But you know what? When they leave here, most of them don't keep that standard." He said, "This is for most men and women, the highest moment of their life of pride because this is when they have the highest standard they're ever going to have." And he said, "Why is that? Why do you think it is?" He said, "You've been around the world in many places." I'm always talking about why don't people have these standards? Because I have it. I mean, you had this intensity about him. I said, "I know you do, General. And your life reflects it. I said, "I have it too." And many of those men do have it. Many of those women do have it. But I said, "I'll tell you what it is. The reason they have it here is because of the environment they're in." And I said, "The reason is very simple. Most people's lives are a direct reflection of the expectations of their peer group." And I said, "Let's write that down because I've never thought of that before." And smiled. He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Think about it. If your expectations for your own life are higher than those of the people around you, eventually they're going to pull you down. Not because they don't love you, because they love you because they don't want to lose you. But most people, here's what happens. They get an exciting vision for their life, something they want to do. They get excited. They come to an environment. They go home to a different environment, don't they? And that environment starts, 'What's the matter? Mellow out. I mean, geez, you know, y'all hyped up. Give me a break.'"
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Now, allow me to interrupt for a minute to really hammer in what you just heard, because it is vital to our seventh step. The standards that a person has for themselves and the standards of the peer group are massively going to affect whether the change they have made will last. Remember, this product is called Creating Lasting Change. As Tony just said, if a person commits to losing weight, they may be doing great. They're watching what they're eating, exercising, and they're really committed. But if their friends don't have the same standards for their bodies, then it's probably just a matter of time before that person is influenced by their peer group. What's vital to remember is what Tony just said: the quality of your life is a direct reflection of the expectation of your peer group. Don't you think that if a person commits to losing weight and finds a peer group that is committed to health and vitality, that they will be influenced and inspired to reach their goals? But if a person's peer group is tempting them with chocolate and ice cream, then their standards are probably going to fall back, right?
Let me give you an example of this. There's an organization that I hold very close to my heart called Endeavor. Endeavor is a non-profit organization based in New York City, created by Linda Rottenberg. And basically, what Endeavor does is it helps entrepreneurs in emerging markets have access to capital and investors. So they help entrepreneurs in India, and South Africa, and Turkey, and Brazil, and Uruguay, be able to reach out to investors and be able to fund their businesses so they can grow.
Now, let's see why this foundation, Endeavor, has all the elements of the seventh step. Number one, they definitely have an empowering environment. When you become an entrepreneur part of Endeavor, you start getting mentoring from the best business leaders you could ever imagine. And I'm talking about people here like the former president of the World Bank, Jim Wolfensohn, to Edgar Bronfman, the owner of Vivendi, to the most senior executives at Citigroup or Goldman Sachs. So those entrepreneurs in countries like South Africa or Turkey have direct access to some amazing role models that they can learn from. And they're also part of a peer group that supports each other emotionally.
They also have a big connection to a higher purpose. Why? Because when you become part of Endeavor, you need to commit to give back to society. But not back to New York, back to your local country, your local city, your local town. So the World Economic Forum named it one of the best non-profit organizations created in the last 20 years. Just to give you an idea of the impact of Endeavor, just in Latin America during this last couple of years, they've created more than 10,000 jobs. Not Endeavor, but the entrepreneurs that are part of Endeavor. And these entrepreneurs managed to raise over $600 million in capital that ultimately led to more jobs and more innovation and a contribution back to society.
So when you sit down and talk to any of these entrepreneurs, what they tell you is, "I'm so happy I'm building my own business. I'm having role models and peers that are going through similar challenges. And at the same time, I'm feeling I have a higher purpose to contribute to society at large." Do you see the pattern here?
Or let me just even give you a simpler example. God didn't give me the gift of being an amazing runner. I do have a lot of body strength, but I'm not an amazing runner. In fact, I hate running. I always hated running, and I'm pretty bad at it. One day, I decided that I wanted to sort of break through that stigma, and I signed up for a half marathon. That's 13.1 miles or 21 kilometers. And as I started training, it got really, really hard. I was really ready to quit until something happened which was completely disconnected with my training process. I realized that a friend of mine had been diagnosed with testicular cancer. When I learned that, I said, "Well, how do I want to make this something connected to a higher purpose?" And I decided that I was not only going to run for myself, but I was also going to run for my friend. Probably it was just about the feeling that I was going to send some good vibes to him and some good energy. And that sense of higher purpose made me not only run it once, I need to confess, I was probably in the bottom 10 of my age, but I was still very happy and smiling like crazy. But I also did it two times more. So it's really amazing how connecting to a higher purpose allows for someone to really get out that extra energy that many times we need to make things happen.
The last thing I want to say is that it doesn't mean a person has to completely change their peer group. They may want to find a peer group that supports them in certain areas of their life or in certain goals that they want to accomplish. And yes, there are times when maybe someone just needs to get out of their peer group altogether, like if they're struggling with an addiction to alcohol and their peer group consists of all their buddies they met at a bar. What I want to make sure you understand is that environment and peer group can have a major impact on a person. For change to last, it's vital for a person to surround themselves with a peer group that holds them to higher standards.
So, as leaders, how can we help others create an empowering peer group? We can remind them about the importance of their peer group and encourage them to get themselves in an environment that supports them. Maybe we encourage them to join an organization or identify a role model or mentor they can connect with. We can help them identify what environment would most support them. Going back to our example of losing weight, one key part of an empowering environment would be to get rid of all the junk food in the kitchen and to stock it with healthy food. Healthy food everywhere. Wouldn't that be setting them up to win? It might be relating the change to a higher purpose, maybe aligning it with their spiritual beliefs or something incredibly important in their lives, like their family or life's purpose. So after you go through all the master steps, you want to make sure that the environment they will be in will support the change.
Now, in the last part of this session, Tony is going to discuss how to help any person create an identity that will empower him or her. When a person shifts their identity, then change can last forever. So let's check back in with Tony to learn more about the importance of identity, by helping create an empowering identity in others, and also transforming your identity as a leader and your influence as a leader in your various peer groups.
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So, changing their identity is the only thing that will create a forever change. Because have you ever loved somebody and have them actually change for the moment and feel good about themselves, only for tomorrow for them to forget how deeply loved they are? They must develop the belief structure that who they are is more than anything that they could ever face in their life. That who they are is truly significant, not in an egotistical way, in a way where they give themselves significance. That who they are is not only lovable, but someone they love. When that transformation happens in a person's identity, life is never the same again. We've got to get it so that they really have an experience of loving themselves. We've got to get them to really feel like they're growing again. Really feel like they truly are contributing. And they got a way to do that in the future. But it's got to be something that's inside, not context-dependent upon being here. Because otherwise, they'll have all those feelings while they're here, and they'll go home to another environment, only to go back to where they were. So we said, if we're here to help them celebrate life and help transform their life, we've got to change their identity.
So the question is, what shapes a person's identity? Their beliefs, their physiology, their language, what they focus on, basically their triad, right? Physiology. And we put our language patterns. And we put focus. Beliefs. What else shapes their identity? Their references. So the question is, if you wanted to change somebody's identity, how would you do it? Do you agree, by the way, how many of you have experienced the transformation of your identity over the years and your association with what we do together? Say aye. And that's why the changes have lasted. And where the changes have not lasted for you is where you did not shift your identity. It's one thing to stop smoking in your mind for the moment, and you're still counting the days, "I'm on day 17." And it's another thing to become a non-smoker, in which case there is zero temptation to smoke because it's not who you are. And until you shift identity, there's always a fight. There's always a battle. When there's a shift in identity, then there's no difficulty whatsoever.
Does anybody know why, before I answer the question, how to change it? Why is it that we shift identity, it becomes a permanent thing? The answer is this: If you don't know it, you should write it down. The strongest force in the human psyche, the strongest force in the human being, is the need to remain consistent with our own definition of ourselves, our identity. So once I decide that's who I am as a person, not that's what I do, but it's who I am, that I have no choice but to find a way to be consistent with that perception of myself. Because it is the basis of certainty, which is a survival mechanism for anybody. If you don't know who you are, you wouldn't know what to believe. You know who you are, you don't have to believe. You wouldn't know what to do. You wouldn't be able to function. That's why we say someone's having an identity crisis, they don't seem to be functioning with squat because they can't figure anything out because they're not sure who they are. So what most of us do is we settle for an identity that is less than our true capability because at least we can codify it, we can look at it, we can see it, we're not disappointed by it. So our job is to help them to raise that identity. Because once it's who you are, you will behave that way, period. So our job is to get to the point where somebody believes that.
So if identity then controls how we think, it controls what we feel. See, if your identity is, you would never, let's say your identity is you're a loving, caring person. And I said, "I want to take this guy and I want you to go back there and shoot John." You won't even consider. But if you think that your job in life is to take out all bad things, including bad people, and I say, "Take this guy and go shoot him," you're more than willing to consider it. You might even do it. I mean, your identity defines the entire game of your life. What you're willing to consider, what you're willing to do, what you're willing not to do, how you dress, right? Whether you dress, you know, all those things are shaped by that sense of identity. The way you're going to deal with stress and what you're going to deal with disappointment is all shaped by your identity.
So then the question is, if we want to build an identity, we have some targets. The targets of the identity we want to create are an identity that within itself gives a person utter certainty, utter certainty that they can meet these six needs on a consistent basis, no matter what happens in the environment. You know, I shared some of you years ago, I was in business with Harvey and Marilyn Diamond. Some of you know who wrote a book years ago, you may recall, called Fit for Life. They came to me when I was really a young kid, I think it was like 20 years old at the time, 21, something in that range. And, when it came to me, they wanted me to help them build this thing. And I helped them build this thing. And then, as time went by, people looked for ways to feel a sense that they're growing. They look for a way to feel like they're contributing. And they also look for the mystery. Everybody loves the mystery. Because what need does mystery meet? Variety. Uncertainty. So out of the looking for that greater sense of meaning, rather than finding it in the moment, we tend to look outside ourselves for some artificial stimulation.
And so Harvey and Marilyn were always, they were doing the "kick of the week," you know, it was something new constantly. And I was this 21-year-old kid trying to figure out how to manage these two people because I was building a real business, my first real business I built on my own. And then they got involved in a particular guru. And I was not exposed to any of that stuff at that time. I wasn't terribly enthralled by it. And at one point, they wanted to go then to the ashram in India for a month. And I just saw my whole business disappearing. So I'm 21 years old, right? I'm figuring, I got to take care of my self-interest here. So I fly to India, in which I'm going to spend a month in India. So I get to the ashram and I refuse the ashram. I stay across the street in condos, which are these little rooms that were kind of like the ones I started my little journey on, 400 square feet. Only they're much smaller. And I wake up midnight, there's a lizard on my neck. And I get up to go to the bathroom, poop, because, you know, the place you walk through is about this tall, you know? So I would brain myself three or four times a day, usually, you know, flapping into these things.
And so one day, after eating, this little monk comes up to me and goes, "Hello." He said, "I have not seen you around here before." I saw him across the street in the condos. He goes, "No, I haven't seen you around here during seva." I said, "What's seva?" He said, "Seva is, in order to be here, you have to do work for the guru, five hours a day." I went, "I'm not here for the guru. I'm going to have a meeting with a guru." He said, "As long as you're here and you're going to eat here, you must do seva." I saw him across the street. He said, "That's the guru's place." I was like, "All right, I'll show up for seva." I'm walking over there, and he's explaining, "You'd always work for France." Yeah, he saves a lot of money, you know. So I go in there, right? And I sign up for seva. I go to the work detail. And I show up at the work detail. And they look at me, "Oh, big young man, strong. You can lift furniture." And I'm like, "Oh, no, no. I can't lift furniture. I have a bad back." You know, I go through this whole story. Right?
Now, when I was growing up there, I did everything. I cooked, I cleaned, I went to the grocery shopping, I did all, every single day of my life, all that stuff. I dealt with. But one thing I hated more than anything else, because when I was done with all that, I started to wash the dishes. And that was like, that was the threshold for me. Because I missed out on so many things. I was doing the dishes. I just hated. I swore someday I'd make enough money, buy a dishwasher or a person, one of the two, to be able to do this, right? And so sure enough, after I tell him I can't do this, there's only one other job that's available. He said, "So it's a job you must do. Dishwashing." So now here I am. I have to report for five hours of dishwashing a day, six days a week, for three weeks. Right?
I arrived there at the first day. At that point, I was such a fanatic about my living health principles. I was like, I couldn't stand it. But he wasn't doing it. And while we were there, I was standing and all the waste that they dumped in the water was about this high of milk solids that were there. They were putrefying and mildewing. And I'm sitting here in this stuff and this smell, washing these dishes, thinking, "I'm going to be here for five hours a day for the next three weeks." And I had really colorful descriptions for the guru at this stage, right? And so I'm doing this thing, and I'm so mad inside. I got the most prolific question-answering process going on in my head, you can imagine. And then at some point, I hit threshold, and I realized I wasn't willing to experience this pain anymore. I just wasn't willing to. And I thought, "You know what? Who am I? Identity? I want to be here. I'm the best dishwasher you can ever see." I start washing the dishes, man, as fast as I can, as good as I can, stacking them up, trying to get these other guys to raise their standards. They were all hanging out, you know, recovering from the day's meditation, I guess. So I was like, "Nope." I became nuclear visual in my cleaning of these dishes. You know, this guy's stacking up. Come on, come on, come on. We're gonna do it. It's gonna be the best dish. And I get them laughing and moving. Pretty soon, it's like, "I Love Lucy" with a chocolate thing coming by, you know? And I had the best time. And by the end of the five hours, I was laughing, and I was singing, I was having so much fun. And within a couple of days, I wake up in the morning, and I couldn't wait to go wash dishes. I'm not exaggerating. And I went, "Wow, maybe that's enlightenment. Maybe enlightenment is when you take the things you hate and learn to absolutely love them. And then life really is a celebration. Maybe then we don't have any part of us that's in conflict with us. And maybe then we really will feel free physically, and immensely, and emotionally, and spiritually. Maybe then we'll have more of us to connect with another human being and be able to have the kind of relationship we want as well. Because maybe we have fewer rules and more joy."
And so by the time I sat down with the guru, I had a lot less rules about how to deal with things. And I talked to him about what I thought. He agreed with me. And I talked to him and said, "Do this." And since they listened to him as an external frame of reference, they did what he said. And we moved on into the things he died about five days later. His name was Muktananda. And I had this private darshan with him, which I really cherished to this day. Spiritually, and the love that he had was just so extraordinary. He healed people with his love. There was all the mythology around it, but he just healed people. Well, they felt unconditionally loved by him. They felt significance in his presence. And they began to discover their own eternal significance and their connection to eternal love. But it took washing dishes to do it.
And the reason I bring this up is leadership means you serve. To serve means you do the things you don't want to do. But you don't just do it gritting your teeth. You do it with joy. So serving, serving can be your transformation. If you don't just do it because you have to, or do it because it's expected, or do it because it's pure pressure, but you do it because it's joyful. And I really believe that that state you're in is what will transform them. Anyway, so I want you to really think about leadership from that perspective: serving and enjoying the service.
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So here's the deal. Identity is nothing but a belief. It's a belief about who you are, not what you can do, but what you will do. Lots of people believe they could do something that is possible, but that's not the essence of their identity. We're talking about the idea of what they think they really will do. This is a specific set of beliefs that relate specifically to who they are as a person, what they can and cannot do, what they will and will not do. That's all we're talking about here. And they have certainty about those. Now, why? Because they have built for themselves a series of tabletops with what underneath them? Probably. And you know what? They don't even remember what half those references are anymore. They've forgotten what the references are. And those references may have been inaccurate. Those same references that have been assembled for a different belief, right? But they don't even remember. All they know is this is the controlling force of their life, and they're going to stay consistent with it. So our job is to help them to change that.
So one way to do this when someone has an identity, one obvious way is to give them an experience that causes them to question all this. Because if I can come up with an experience that invalidates this completely and expands my sense, like, "I know I'm not that kind of person. I can't do this. I've never done this. I've never climbed this. I've never pushed myself through this. I've never done that. I've never been up this many hours. I've never, never, never. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't." But we keep getting to do it, do it, do it. There's a point at which the brain goes, "You were confused." And all of a sudden, you begin to develop a new set of beliefs because the references are in your face. But does having an experience that violates their past limitation guarantee a change in identity? It is one way to do it, but it's not a guarantee for it. There's no guarantee except your sensory acuity to see whether that shift has really occurred and your ability to constantly test to assemble those beliefs and find what's there.
What's another way we could change identity? This is one of the most valuable ones. The most valuable ways is not to talk to someone, but to give them an experience. Because when you give them the experience, you're the greatest chance of making new connections in the nervous system. So that's one of the reasons I start out with a firewalk as one of the first experiences people have, because it violates their sensibilities of what they thought they could do at one stage in their life, and probably recent experience as well. So it does that. We have them going with this unbelievable energy. Most these people have never experienced this much energy consistently in their life. They don't believe they have that much energy until we put them through it. They didn't believe they could focus that much. They believed they had that. So we begin to change the standard, to change the sense of what's possible. My goal is to get them to see how to translate that so it's not only in my environment where I'm creating that demand on them or showing that example, but where they also take that home. That's part of why I want to hit their physiology so hard, so there's such a resonant level of it that they wake up feeling it. Follow me on this?
So a major other way of doing this, the obvious way, is to make a huge change in physiology. Because physiology is the filter through which you interpret all information, including your beliefs about who you are. And I know there are times in my life when everything was going well except my physiology, and I didn't feel good. And I feel good about myself. It's not where it needs to be. Well, my physiology, wow, was amazing. I was able to have almost everything else. That's why I say physiology first. So another huge way to change identity is change the person physically. Because there's nothing like seeing yourself as different. That's also why some people do things like plastic surgery and all those things like that, try and change how they see. And the truth of the matter is, they can change their physiology and the external, and still be depressed, right? Because they haven't changed the internal processing, the kind of questions they ask, what they say to themselves, they haven't changed their triad. They still put their body in that state, still have that internal dialogue, so they feel depressed still. They can take Prozac and change their physiology artificially, but if they keep running the same triad, they're still going to be depressed, right? They hold that same identity. And there's some people that use that as the excuse, "Oh my God, I see myself differently." So they see themselves differently, the outside looks different, so the inside must be different.
Changing physiology simply means changing the habitual patterns of how they move. We don't mean change their physiology like just for the moment. You train them, you teach them how to step up, how to immediately get into state. If we do this enough, if we train them, if we give them enough emotion, and we keep training them how to change their physiology so rapidly, how they can change their emotional state so rapidly, pretty soon they have a totally different perception of who they are, right? So a physiological shift that is consistent, teaching the person, training the person to use their body differently, will completely change the way they think, the way they feel, and their identity.
So, number one: Give an experience that violates their limitations. Get them to experience, get them to do what they think they cannot do. The best way to do that is to trick them. If you tell them you're going to make them do it, they'll resist it. Don't let them realize until they're about halfway through it, or they're done, that they just did what they didn't think they could do. That's much easier. Otherwise, they build up barriers, and it's going to be hard to get them to follow through. Some situations you won't have control of, because they're going to decide their barriers before you say a word. Someone will look at the polls. Some will look at an intimate relationship communication that's going to be going on, you know, in a partnership. It's going to show up in so many ways. So that's one.
Two: Physiology. You want to train these people to snap into the states they want. We want to literally develop emotional fitness in these people. Physical fitness and emotional fitness. Emotional fitness is we want to get them to live in the states that they desire, the states that will empower them, the virtuous states. We want to get them to live in passionate states, courageous states, playful states, fun states, loving states, warm states. And get there enough that what will happen is, remember, pain only motivates you for the moment to make a change. Pleasure is the only long-term motivator. So if you can get these people where they start to feel this good, and they start to see they can do it, even when the environment is difficult, they will get addicted to doing this. They'll get addicted to it. And they'll have the physiology to do it. Because if you do it enough times, they'll be wired to do it. So any excuse you can possibly come up with with your team to enhance physiology, to snap into peak states, or to have along with your incantation, states that are incredibly dynamic for these people in a variety of states: playful states, fun states, strong states, unstoppable states. Any way you can do that, you're going to be helping them to enhance their identity. Any way you possibly can.
What's another way to enhance identity? Another way to enhance identity is incantation. Because incantation is physiology with a belief attached to it. Because all it is, when you encounter something, remember, not an affirmation. I want to remind you, you can say, "I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy." I may be happy all day long. What turns it into an incantation is when you use the what? In a vigorous way. Physiology. And an incantation should be spoken out loud, not just inside their head, because it isn't dynamic. And what it sends to the nervous system. So you want it out loud, with the emotion in it, with variety in it. So the person doesn't, if somebody does that enough, it's like a song you can't get out of your head. How do they build these old beliefs in the first place? All identity is is beliefs. They built it by saying to themselves over and over and over again, with emotion, until they believed it. So it was so stacked, they may not even have any references. But they found them because they got the single in their head, the song they can't get it out. Once the songs they have, they got to find things that relate to it.
Incantation is the easiest one of the most powerful ways to induce in someone a new identity. And I'm living proof of it because I did it to myself at the earliest stages. And it gave me the leadership capabilities, the certainty capabilities. So I didn't get that. I still do them to this day before I walk in this room, every single time. Because I don't operate from, "Well, do I need it?" I operate from, "I must always be at my best. It's my standard." And you need to do the same for yourself. And so what happens is, you literally embed that incantation into them, and they will completely change how they think and feel. What you will do by changing the incantation is you will have changed their focus. Because what will happen in their nervous system is it'll go there first. And when it goes there first, they will see, feel, and experience life differently.
So, identity shift: given an experience. Identity shift: change your physiology and do it continuously and give them rewards for it, and the sense of pleasure for identity shift. Incantation. What's nice about incantation? It combines all of the triad. Because to do an incantation, you have to change physiology. To do an incantation, you have to use language. To incantation, do with such intensity and focus on it that you actually believe it. Because the repetition with intensity will produce that emotional certainty that everybody's looking for. It's one of the most powerful ways and simple ways to do it.
Another way would be: create a peer environment in which the identity that they need is the only identity that will exist in that environment that they'll be reinforced for. In other words, use peer group to shape identity. Where you think they got their identity in the first group, you create an environment that produces in people where they see the only way you get reinforced here, the only way you get anything, and you avoid pain and get pleasure, is when you're playing life at this level. And use the peer group to create that standard. So what I've done is I've created an environment in which the rules of how to play are there. And the way I create that environment is I set the standard. I create the relationship. And once I got that relationship, I now set the standard. The way I set the standard is when somebody doesn't participate, you've seen me. I talk to them. You've been around me. Anytime you've seen me in groups, you see me sometimes on the third day, they've been great. Greg, right? Their energy drops. I do not let the standard drop. I have enough relationship that they'll listen to me because I don't judge them. I love them. I tell them the truth. And I raise the standard. And I can only do it because I have already got a higher standard than I'm living by that they can see. If I was up there on my butt saying, "You guys really got to get your energy going," they wouldn't really respond to me a lot. Almost everybody will respond to challenge that is given not from judgment, but from love, and from a person who's holding the standard they're asking you to step up to. But that's what you got to be able to do. So think about how you make that happen.
So when you think about creating identity, you want to create the environment. The way you create the environment is be the environment you want to create. Another way to enhance identity is catching doing things right and celebrate, which is again shaping their identity through anchoring, helping them build new associations to old experiences. Which means a big way of saying, you can collapse their anchors and change their personal history. Because a lot of identity comes from our history, doesn't it? Most of us believe who we are is who we was. You know, that's what most people believe. When I don't believe that. I believe who I am is who I am right now. Who I was is interesting. I want to pull as much of that as I can as possible. Anything that I was that was really cool, I will remember. Anything I was that wasn't so cool, I'm very good at deleting. I, I want to, I need to, otherwise undermine my sense of certainty. And was may have been five minutes ago. I learned that by dealing with financial traders. Your financial trader, you go out and you lose 50 million dollars in the morning, like a friend of mine did recently, right? That'll kind of shake your state, just a smidge. So what you got to be able to do in a few seconds is you got to make a minute ago history. Because otherwise, you can't function because you don't trust yourself. So you have to be able to build identity. Because all we're talking about, identity, it's a big word, is a bunch of beliefs about who you are, what you can and cannot do, what you will and will not do. Don't let it get bigger than it is. If you understand that, then you go, "What are all the ways a change of belief?" Right? That's all I got to do. These are real strong beliefs, but they can be handled.
Another way to shift identities is to get someone to link so much pain to the old identity that they have to shift. I don't have a choice. But also they link so much what to shifting. The only thing that will cause someone to change long term is if they believe the new behavior, the new belief, the new emotion, the new pattern actually rewards them. Pleasure is the only long-term motivator. Pain is only a short-term motivator. People learn to live with pain. They'll learn to settle for it. But pleasure, baby, you get the pleasure level up high enough, watch what people will do. You got to get pain to get their attention. They're often going to get pain to get them started. But the pleasure is what keeps them going.
Okay, you've got to remember that when you're thinking about what you want to create within people, you get someone to act as if they don't know what they're doing. I know you don't know, but let's just try it, right? And you get a mistake, you don't know how to do it, but I want you to pretend that you are X person who absolutely can do this, and have them do it. Because what you do is, you access the resources that are inside of them. And when they start to wake up after they've done it enough, what this does is, it violates their experience. Just another way of violating their experience and giving the experience that they want. But they can't escape the fact that they did it if you get them to do it enough. When they act as if, pretty soon it's commitment and consistency. It becomes who they are. Pretty soon they get pleasure from it, and man, they're anchored. They got it. How else can you change somebody's identity?
I just want you to realize how many ways there are to provide for them a more compelling future. When a person believes they have a future, that alone begins to shift their perception of who they are, what they can and cannot do. So helping them develop a compelling future is fantastic. Another one that's been left out is, help them to master another skill. As people feel that they've mastered a skill, it gives them a sense of growth. As they grow, their identity expands. So when I've got a skill like, "I can organize my life," "I get myself out of overwhelm," "Wow, I can get rid of that old pain by collapsing an anchor," "Wow, I can change your history," "Wow, I can do this." As I start developing skills, I perceive myself as a different person. So you have so many ways to build their identity. It's a joke.
But one of the great ways to do this, think about how you did it to you, because all of you have done this. Leadership is when you have the capacity to be the person who sets the standard in the peer group, where through your love, through your caring, through your dynamic presence and passion and congruency to your sense of internal certainty, to your capacity to have a standard that's higher than anybody else in the group. That's really what makes you a leader. If you're going to love everybody unconditionally and at the same time have a standard that's higher than anybody else in the group, you will become the leader, period. If they feel cared for by you and you have a higher standard, you will gravitate as the leader. Leadership is not something that is inborn. Leadership is a standard that you set. That's a connection level standard, how much you are willing to care, and a standard in terms of how you will apply whatever game you enter. And a person with the highest standard, that person is the most dynamic in their capacity to influence you. That caring and relationship is the person who will lead. Because when any two people meet, the person who is most certain, if there's rapport, will eventually influence the other people in the group. If there is rapport, if there is mutual respect and caring, and so that's why the development of the relationship is the most important capacity of leadership. It is the most important one. That's why rapport is the most important skill.
Other than peak state, he said, "Tony, what do I really need to be a great leader?" Answer: Number one, you need to show up as a leader in terms of your state. Now, I said, "Do you start with states and standards?" And that state has to be a standard for you that is absolute, no matter what is going on with you. Doesn't matter. I get up, I'm doing a Date With Destiny, and my CEO in those days, when I was in my house, walks up to me and says, "You're going bankrupt. There's no way to survive. I have to go back to my job. I know you're going on stage. I'm sorry I do this to you right now, but if I were you, I'd just cancel this thing because you're going to lose your home and everything else." Buy and now I've got to stand up and do Date With Destiny for four days, right? And you learn to just suck it up and move on. You learn how to just deal with whatever gets thrown at you. So it doesn't matter what occurs, you find that power inside yourself and you move on. And you care about the people around you more than you care about maybe your own needs for the moment, not long term. You operate from a place of, "I'm here to serve," not to operate from my fear. What I'm afraid of, if it's really going to happen, I'll deal with it when it's time to deal with it. Now is not the time. That's the process that starts to transform us.
So what I really want to get you to do inside of yourself is, I want you to start to look at how is it, how is it that you create that rapport with people as rapidly as possible? And it's so many little things like reciprocation. It's little things like finding what's great in them and giving them a sincere compliment. Like doing your homework. It's catching people doing things right. It's serving them. It's being willing to make them feel significant. This is people's biggest problem. They don't make somebody else feel significant because they make you feel significant. They feel like they won't be significant if you make connection the higher value, where loving this person and connecting with the stranger is more important than trying to feel like you're a leader. I guarantee you, you'll have a relationship in which you will be able to influence them later on. If you show up with certainty, but you've got to have state. Number one, it's gotta be standard. Number two, you gotta have rapport. Second thing you gotta have, you gotta have rapport. If you don't have rapport, they'll come up with every story you can imagine in their head. People can make stories up. They're gonna make stories up no matter what you do because they're gonna go, "He's so happy. He's not really that happy. Nobody could be that happy." Right? Or, "Wow, I wish it could be like that." Or, "Yeah, that person's full of himself." That's why the rapport is critical. So that the story that comes out of it is, "Wow, it's filtered to, I like this person." It's filtered through, "This person is somebody's really a good person." It's filtered through the identity you create by building rapport. And that happens by all the little interactions you do with people. And you know how to do this stuff. You just have to show up.
So one of your states, peak state, has got to be so much caring, so much warmth, and so much playfulness that people like you, really like you, and as a result, want to listen to you. Most of those people are going to come to this seminar not because they understand there's a specific skill set that they are now traveling across the earth and parting with ten thousand dollars and another five or ten thousand dollars of the course of the year to stay in places and fighting the traffic and going through the planes. They are doing all that because there's some specific skill set that they have identified that will change the quality of their life. They're coming here because they know I love them. They're coming here because they know there's a guy up there that they can count on who unconditionally loves them and helps them find a place where they will feel better about themselves. That's why they want to part with every resource we just described. Think about it. Who would start a business if you were a banker? If I said, "Here's my business. Half the people in my business are gonna have to pay ten thousand dollars to actually visit with me, and they're gonna have to travel to a far-off land, a long way from where they live, and they're gonna have to go through immensely stressful travel two or three times a year, and they're gonna have to give up their work during that time, and they're gonna do all this based on one personality, and they're gonna do all this stuff with some intangible benefits, right? As far as what the promise is, they don't have a clue. And they gotta explain to their friends, 'What's the matter with them?'" How many of you loan money to somebody doing a business based on that principle? I wouldn't.
But what's missing is the critical component, which is the capacity for those people to actually feel loved and significant, and to hope that they could be able to do that long term, and therefore have a life in which every day is a celebration. And that is the magic that pulls it all together. Not a skill set, but to be able to give that much love. You're going to feel that much love. To really be able to have that rapport, you're gonna have to have more of it for yourself. And to do each of those things can happen how fast, by the way? But it requires a shift in your identity. It requires you saying, "You're good enough." Really owning that you're good enough, not questioning if you're good enough, because everybody questions, right? There's a point at which you stop doing that, you start going, "You know what?" And you know it's when you feel you deserve it. For me, I don't know if it's the same for you, but for me, it's when I look at the souls that I've had the privilege to interact with, and I see the part I played. I know God played a huge part. I know I got to be one of the vehicles for it. And I see that I have so many stacked experiences of that that I know I'm worth it. I also know I'm just a guy.
Leadership is not a skill. Leadership is a state of caring, a state of rapport, and a set of standards that cause you to have other people want, in some way, to have some of what you have, even though you're not perfect. And leadership is something that has to be consistent because when it's inconsistent, people then become in a position where they no longer trust. And that's one of the challenges we have. So what you and I have to look at is, how do we make sure we deliver consistent leadership? Not leadership that doesn't make mistakes. Sitting down with my son, Jerick, I took him for a week to Fiji, just he and I, to spend some really quality time, uninterrupted. And it was fantastic. It's one of the best weeks I've had with him. And one of the things that I talked to him about most is, I said, "You know what? You've got to understand when you look at this situation is, I don't expect you to be perfect." Because I think you think you've got to be perfect, so you don't always tell me the truth about everything. I said, "I went through this with Josh." Because I never expected Josh to be perfect, but he thought he had to be. And Josh has gone through a transformation. Let me tell you how Josh went through a transformation. Not by being perfect. He went through a transformation by earning his own self-respect back. Trash. If you see him, he's lost 77 pounds. But honestly, much more a reflection than the weight is the standard that he is in with himself.
But in order to do that, I had to get him into another environment where the peer pressure was beyond imagination, a different kind of peer pressure where his identity would shift. And the environment I got him into was a camp where there are kids there that have every challenge known to man. Because Josh was doing anything to get love from other people, so he just became amorphous. He adapted. He told everybody what they wanted to hear. He became the funny guy that would make everybody laugh. But inside, he didn't feel he was worth it, and then love himself. So he's constantly trying to kill the pain inside. And it's so difficult because without the truth, you don't know what's really going on. And we never really could figure it out 100. And then there were conflicts. He took the path of least resistance, which most people do, for comfort. The conflicts in terms of the standards to hold him to, and how fragile he was or wasn't. And so what he learned was, he could get out of anything if he just could talk the talk. So he got really good at it. So we put him in an environment where the talking didn't matter, and where he had to learn to earn everything. I mean, they cut off his hair, they took everything he had, one set of clothes, and everything is a privilege. Everything. Toilet paper is a privilege. It has to be earned. It's amazing how much you earn when it's really important to you. And so he went through that for four months. And I would see him, and he's, he has a completely transformed young man because he understands that everything in life has consequence, and he has earned his own self-respect because he now is doing things that nobody else, he can't get anything without him personally doing it. So he has a love for himself he's never had before. It's the most incredible conversations I've had with him ever.
So I was telling Jerick about this and saying to him, I said, "I don't expect you to be perfect. Here's what I expect. You're going to screw up. Here's what I expect. You're going to lie to me. Here's what I expect. You're going to do some stupid things like that. You do some bad things. But here's what I also expect. I know you're a good man, and I know you'll correct it. And I know you'll correct it quickly. And I know that if you're smart as I think you are, you'll start to trust me and communicate to me what's really going on early on so I can help you and you can help yourself." The same thing is true with everybody here. Everybody's going to screw up. All of you have, including myself. All of you will. There's no question about that. You're going to screw up in your businesses, and your relationships, and your finances, and your body. You're all going to do that. Being a leader doesn't mean you don't screw up. What it means is, there's a much, much smarter lag time between when you screw up and when you correct it. And there's a much fewer number of screw-ups because when you make one, you really learn your lesson. You don't have to go back and repeat eight million times because you understand the source of the problem. You don't just deal with the cause of it. The cause of this argument may be that you didn't like what I said, but the real source of the problem is, I don't feel significant. So what you say freaks me out. And so we can do what causes all day long, and they'll keep repeating the same problems, or we can deal with the source.
So there's no perfect answers. I'm not expecting to be perfect. I'm expecting you to show up with a new standard for yourself. And by doing so, maybe going into that state so much, maybe some of that will stick. Is what you really want? Because you'll get so much joy from it that you'll say, "This is how I want to live." Does that make sense? And that's what we want to do. So let's do this now. Describe, before you ever became exposed to this type of technology, to what we do here, what were you really like? Physically, emotionally, financially? What were your beliefs? What were your values? What were some of your standards? What was some of the worst part of it? What was a good part of it? Who were you before you got to this, before you made the transformations in your identity? Who did you believe you were? How would you have defined yourself? As the most important question, if you answered no other question, how would you describe yourself before you were exposed to this technology as a person? What kind of person were you? What were your fears? What were your challenges? What was the identity you had for yourself?
So do you see the importance and impact of maintaining high standards, a higher purpose, and an empowering environment and peer group? Remember, as Tony said, the quality of your life is a direct reflection of the expectations of your peer group. As you help others create lasting change, you are creating change for yourself. It is vital to have an empowering environment and an identity that supports the change and vision for your life. Let's do a quick recap before we go over the exercise Tony just gave you. We learned that there are so many ways to help build an identity. We can help build an identity through focusing on the triad: the physiology, language, and beliefs. Remember when Tony mentioned the difference between the belief and language of "I haven't smoked for 17 days" versus "I am a non-smoker"? Some other ways are making sure their identity meets all their needs in a positive way, associating to the pleasure of the new identity or the pain of the old one, using incantations, anchoring positive resources, growing your identity through a positive peer group, or simply modeling. Tony also shared some distinctions on ways to enhance our identities as leaders. Remember the story of him washing dishes in India? Tony used his identity of making the best of any situation so he could have fun and enjoy washing dishes for five hours a day. And he also shared that true leadership is servant leadership. Tony also talked about the importance of being in rapport, managing our states, and focusing on serving the person we're with. Most importantly, he talked about the standard we hold ourselves to as leaders.
So let's go back to the exercise Tony assigned. What you want to do is write down two things. Number one, how would you have defined yourself before you became exposed to Tony's technology? Define the identity you have today, and what you're committed to embrace from here forward. And since you know how to condition, maybe you might even want to create an incantation or anchor in your new identity. So with that, it's time to say goodbye for today, but tomorrow is a very exciting day. We're going to talk about how you can identify and measure the level of your leadership and how you can expand it. Have fun with your writing exercise, and I'll talk to you tomorrow.